A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im really struggling with myself. I have been advised to seek therapy online by my parents. So I thought I would ask here if I can pay for mental health therapy for getting married - and where you recommend this? I have subconsciously accepted that I am a failure until I get married. I tried to be strong headed but it's like a lion surrounded by crocodiles and I'm running out of energy. I am 32 and nobody in my life cares about me anymore. I wish I could run away as I feel like I will go mental. My job, hard work and life doesn't matter as I am not married. I do have a gf who they like but now everyone in my family is pushing me. It got to a point I need more time to save up before I can move out but they are offfering me to stay in with my new Mrs. I feel trapped. I've come to realisation I've naturally programmed to what they wanted. If I hear somebody in the hall , I try to look busy in doing something. I used to do this when I was 8, now I'm 32. My mum often comes into my room and tells me to tidy up. Before my day has even ended at work she messages asking if I want to go out and buy furniture with her for my room. I couldn't care less about any furniture when I want to move out. My main issue is I cannot stand negativity so therefore I feel if I get married everyone will point and judge. At the moment I can't go 3 days without mum going in my room or dad coming in daily to adjust my radiator. I assure you I have said I don't want or need anything. But it's like mum forces me to take something than guilt trips me. I know they both care but I feel like our relationship is being sabotaged. Long story short I need some mental health support private. I need them to fix me quick, I been told I only got few months to get married and I need to hurry up as it's my time to have kids at 32. The sisters happy married life is thrown in my face all the time. Dad said to me "your stubbornness got you nowhere, now jus get on with it" I need some depression tablets and tablets that will make me want to stuff that normal ppl do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2023): I am UK born. I was Extremely motivated, ambitious, hard working individual. However i wish I had independence. If I move out my parents have already discussed what to tell people as They said I will look like a failure to the world as I do not own my own property by now. My dad paid his property off in 7 years. the list is getting longer as the pressure mounts. If I move out it will still be nagging. I also fear if I move out they will die quicker , as they have no life; nothing to do. They cling onto me and my sister. I was unable to move out at 24, things were very bad in my house, my dad used to beat my mum. I sorted him out, somehow in the process I have lost myself. (Took 10 years of fighting, from school age into my 20s) He is now well behaved as he has reached an age he is no longer able to fight physically, and years of me being at home have resulted in him learning to behave. But as a result I've become mentally stuck. Hence the therapy. Thanks to the person who says we are unique. Yes I am extremely unique, I've been told however it's more pain being unique, it's easier to jus blend in so the finger never gets pointed. Sorry for the negativity but it's true.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2023): I meant to say:
"You seem afraid to leave home, and they're pushing you out of the [nest]."
P.S.
Therapy may take years; so there is no-way you're going to get an overnight-makeover.
Having easy-access is the main reason your parents bug you so much. You seem to be making excuses for not moving-out; and you will need furniture when you do move. They want to see some motivation and ambition towards your independence. You don't need a therapist to figure that out. Courage and assertiveness is something homegrown and self-developed. You won't find a therapist that can fast-forward your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2023): Seems like you've got yourself some traditional old-school parents on your hands. You don't mention if your parents are immigrants; but pushing sons and daughters out of the house and demanding grandchildren is pretty common in very traditional ethnic households. You should be living on your own at your age regardless of your ethnicity. You live in their house, and they'll have daily access to your life.
Being a tenant in their home gives them nagging-rights. My friend, you've overstayed your welcome. If you're not ready for marriage, you still should be ready to live independently, even if you have to live on a tight budget and very modestly. Sooner you find your own place, the easier life will be. I wouldn't recommend living too close to home, or you'll have constant knocks at the door. Try another town close to where you work, if possible. Even if it's a budget flat.
If you have issues with confrontation and assertiveness; maybe you need to find yourself a therapist to help you with your anxieties and fears. You're old enough to stand-up to your parents; but if you're that intimidated by them, and not living on your own; I think without being told you know where they're coming from. They need to see you moving forward with your life.
Parents are expected to want grandchildren to carry-on the family name and their DNA toward generations to come. If you were living on your own, that would probably cut your anxiety and stress in half!
This doesn't require my usual long answer. You know the remedy to the issue without being told. You seem afraid to leave home, and they're pushing you out of the next. They want you to grow-up, my dear friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2023): Sorry but it sounds like your parents emotionally abused and maybe even gaslit you into believing that as an adult, you were incapable of living independently. You talk about trying to save up to move out, but what's stopped you so far? Do you pay them rent? Pitch in for electric, gas, water, car or house/apartment insurance? I'm sorry if I'm speaking in terms that are unfamiliar to you - I don't know what cult you are from and I have the impression English is not your first language. There is nothing wrong with that, I just don't have enough information to help you. If it is and I'm mistaken, I'm sorry. Seek therapy? Yes, to solve the main problem of you feeling incapable of surviving on your own. They want you married but living with them and your wife? What does your girlfriend think? Does she live with her parents as well? Does religion come into play?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 January 2023):
 Therapy is not a magic wand that can make everything "right" in an instant. And why would you need therapy just to be like you think everyone else is? You are YOU, an individual, unique. Stop feeling you have to conform to a "norm" that feels alien to you.
Perhaps you just need to get a place of your own and lead your life as you see fit? Surely, at your age and with a job, you can afford to get a place of your own? Why are you so terrified of moving out of your parents' house? You resent their intrusion in your privacy but it is their house so they have every right to do as they please in it.
Get a place of your own, move out and move towards marriage at your own pace. There is no law which says you have to be married, or have children, by a certain age. Would you view yourself as a total failure if, for some reason, it turned out you could not father children? Not everyone chooses to go down the marriage and children route. Decide for yourself what will make you happy and fulfilled. Follow your own star, not someone else's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 January 2023):
 I think perhaps before you work on getting married, you need to move out of your parents' house and out from under their thumbs.
"I couldn't care less about any furniture when I want to move out."
Why haven't you moved out yet then? You are 32!
I do think therapy could benefit you, but it's a tool for self-improvement, not a magical fix. You have to remember that going into it.
Can I ask if your family is of a different ethnicity?
Is the pressure to marry culturally? Or is it that your parents think unless you get married you will live with them forever and never experience life as a husband and father?
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