A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.. Last week, I had went against better judgement and "tested" my boyfriend with a fake profile. (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-fell-for-the-the-fake-profile.html) Although he did message back and forth a bit, he didn't fall into my flirting and when asked, he did say he had a girlfriend. That left me feeling extremely relieved, until the next day when I saw that he had messaged the fake again while I hadn't even heard from him yet. I immediately deleted the profile, which I realize now was a bad move because he got suspicious. I didn't hear from him until two days later, when he told me that he knew the game I had played on him and he didn't like it. He wanted me to admit to it, but because he wouldn't come right out and tell me what I did, I knew that he was only suspicious and couldn't prove anything, so I refused to admit it. Again, I didn't hear from him again until two days later when I finally quit being stubborn and just admitted to everything. I was right in assuming that he had no proof and was just suspicious. We argued for a little bit and eventually just stopped talking. That was on Saturday and it is now Wednesday, and I've yet to hear any word from him. We're in a LDR, and he was supposed to come visit me this week but he was so angry that he said he didn't want to see or be around me.Now, I understand that he's angry. I'm giving him his space to cool down, but how do I know when he's had enough space? I know what I did wasn't fair to him at all, but it's not like I killed his mother, or cheated on him, or anything to that extreme. I just tested his trust, and he said that he would've and should have done the same thing. Every time that we get into an arguement, he turns to being stubborn and ignoring me for days and days. I can't stand it. It makes me worry about what he'd do in the future, when/if we get married or move in together..is he gonna ignore me in our own house? or disappear and stay somewhere else until he decides to come back? The way I see it, being a LDR, there's enough distance between us without one of us ignoring the other for days. I don't know when or if he'll ever just get over it and come back, or if he's done for good. I kinda wish he would just come right out and say it, that way I'm not stuck waiting around and hoping he'll text/call every day. So what do I do? Right now, I'm just giving him his space and waiting until he reaches out to me, but I know that eventually I'm going to give in and want to text him asking what the hell is going on..
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (24 February 2011):
 *Sigh* This is why LDRs have a hard time working. One person gets suspicious of the the other, with or without real reasons why, and tries to find out if they are cheating. You obviously have trust issues with him if you re testing him. I'm not saying I wouldn't have trust issues in an LDR, I know I would and that's why I would never enter one. If you can't get over your trust issues and not test him yet again, you need to leave this relationship and not enter another LDR. If you think you can learn to fully trust him, then call him and apologize to him for what you did. If he accepts and still wants to be with you, don't do this again.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Stop for a moment and think: You *lied* in order to see if *he* was trustworthy. Twice.
That by itself should tell you why he's upset.
Do you think he trusts *you* now? Should he?
Now, instead of asking how you can make it up to him, you're asking how long to wait until he forgives you. That's a pretty self-centered way of looking at the issue.
Call him yourself, apologize, and do not ask for an apology in return. If you get one anyway, great. If you don't get one, forget about it and move past this whole episode.
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A
female
reader, Moose621 +, writes (24 February 2011):
Well, I have to say this. My ex used to test me and play games just to see how much I cared and how far I was willing to go for him. It was extremely stressful, upsetting, trying, and most of all made me scared to be myself around him. Having gone through that I have to say that if you didn't have any real reason not to trust him, it was wrong. However I have been really sneaky to find out when my ex was doing me wrong, and it was justified and I have found out a lot. That being said, if you have reason to believe he is unfaithful, I understand creating the fake profile. So either he isn't trustworthy, which means you will find out in the end you're better off without him, or you have trust issues which you should really find a way to work out because that isn't healthy for either of you and will drive him away.Also, if he is distancing himself like that every time you fight, I think that's also a bad sign. Like you said, what happens when you move in/get married? I went through hell with my ex after moving in and he wouldn't run off for days but he would run out on me all night and come back the next morning. Space is a good and necessary thing at times, but too much of a good thing, well, you know.I hope all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 February 2011):
I'm sorry, but you are not in the position to be asking 'how do I know when he's had enough space'. no, you didn't kill his mother, or cheat on him. But you created a fake profile and lied to him about it all with no proof of any cheating or anything! That's right up there with 'bad things and games women shouldn't do to men'. What you did to him WAS extreme. Period. You threw lies, a fake profile in his face, and even refused to initially come clean when you knew he was suspicious.
This man is hurt, he has been lied to by the women who is supposed to love him, he has been dragged into a game and he feels like dirt because of it. And your reaction is to suggest that he's already had enough space, that he should basically get over it because it's not as bad as you want to think.
To me, your reaction suggests that should not be in a relationship with anyone right now. I read your initial post, and at first I thought it was the reaction of someone who was insecure. But I'm afraid I think worse of you now, because all you seem to be worried about is yourself. Not him. You've lied to him and you have treated him badly - yet you've had the nerve to compare this to things you think are worse. You've said you can't stand the waiting - yet there you were fake profiling him for no reason at all. It's like you're trying to make out that what you did was right and that he shouldn't be hurt or think it's a big deal. This is a very big deal.
The tables have now turned, and you are the one who has to sit and wait. If there is no contact with 14 days, never respond to him again. In the meantime, take a very good look at yourself, because your behaviour, your reasons and your conclusions as to his behaviour are showing you up as someone who has severe trust issues, and as someone who is unwilling to accept blame and make up for it.
What you did can be put in the same category as cheating, and killing his mother. You threw lies in his face, you played games with his heart and mind, and you are trying to make this sound lesser than it is. Not good enough.
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A
female
reader, blackbird332 +, writes (24 February 2011):
hes being very immature about this. give him tons of time and when he misses you he will come back and talk to you, like always it sounds like. LDRs are hard and its easier to ignore what isnt in front of you every day.
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A
male
reader, crazybeast +, writes (23 February 2011):
 In my opinion that is wrong... I know setting up a profile to test him sounds like a good idea but you are messing with him... Say he did succumb to your fake profile.. then what? you can hardly blame him of being dis honest or unfaithful becuse you had let him on yourself... this is an unfair test and an inacurate one at that..
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A
male
reader, philipk769 +, writes (23 February 2011):
Granted, you didnt kill his mother. But comparing what you have done aghainst worse things you could have done will cloud youre judgment. I think the problem may be that you have shown lack of trust in him, and simultaniously broken trust that he has for you. You should make a heartfelt, sincere apology, thank him for being faithful when you tested him, and then work on earning his trust again. I hope this helps, best of luck!
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