A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is really hard for me to write about.When I was 16 I faked a pregnancy with my boyfriend at the time. I definitely had some sort of issues, I was cutting myself at the time and extremely depressed, manipulative, and obsessive. He had broken up with me but continued to be my friend. He then started having sex with me and I was young and stupid and thought that meant we were back together, only to find out that we weren't and that he was also getting sex elsewhere. He was my first and I was absolutely devestated. I resorted to a disgusting choice that I hate living with. I faked a pregnancy.I then proceeded to try and actually become pregnant. In the process, I told my two best friends that I was. Hoping that by believing it would become true. Months passed and I didn't get pregnant. I didn't tell anyone except that "I didn't want to talk about it" and led them to believe I'd had an abortion or gotten a miscarriage. My parents ended up finding out later, and I told them I had a miscarriage rather than admit that I was a manipulative liar. it has been 6 years since then and I still feel such extreme amounts of guilt that I don't know what to do with myself.I ended up telling my current boyfriend, hes the first person I've told, because I feel like he should know everything about me before he decided to take it any more seriously, as it's getting pretty serious already. We were talking about secrets and I let him know I had big ones and he eventually guess and I couldn't say no. I can't stand living with the guilt and even all this time later I feel like the shittiest person to have manipulated my loved ones the way I did.He was shocked and disgusted at first but hes been pretty good otherwise. But now I feel so ashamed I can barely look him in the eyes. I feel disgusting and hate myself once again. I am paranoid that he'll stop caring about me, and I hate that the inner me is so disgusting to look at, I feel like I dont deserve anyone's love and I have become extremely depressed and filled with self-hatred. I am just so disgusted with the person I was/am that I can barely take it anymore.I have tried really hard since then to become a good person, and the one thing that is holding me back is that guilt. I've told the person who means the most to me about it, and now I wonder if I should have done that at all. And I wonder if I should tell those who had been involved before. Is it better to leave them alone? Will it cause more harm to tell them, or am I simply so ashamed that I refuse to see that it's the right choice? Should I at least tell my previous boyfriend who I manipulated, and offer an apology? My friend? My poor father, whose heart I broke? It was so long ago that I don't know if its better to leave it or bring it all back up again, or if the only reason I want to is because I'm selfish and can't live with my own guilt.Should I have never told my current boyfriend? I'm feeling so awful right now and I'm unsure what the right thing to do is.
View related questions:
abortion, best friend, depressed, liar Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 October 2012):
 I think if you need to tell anyone you need to tell your parents. As for your friends and the BF. I don't think you absolutely have to tell them, it would be to unload your guilt, not to help them. I think it's a different thing with your Dad.
And I do think you need to find a therapist. You need to figure out WHY you did it and stuck with it for so long.
Is the "fake pregnancy" you only deceit? Or have you lied about other things for attention, pity or what not?
The things is what you did was HORRIBLE, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But it was 6 YEARS ago. Hopefully you have grown since then and LEARNED from it.
I think telling your current BF was a good thing. Some times we HAVE to own up to things we did, who we were and how FAR we have come. I don't think he will dump you over this, but he might start to trust you less. That is something you will have to be prepared for. Is it fair? I don't think so, but if you were in his shoes wouldn't you start to have some doubt about things you have been told? I think it's impossible not to. YOU have to be willing to show him that you have grown and learned from this.
And then, honey, you need to stop beating yourself up. Forgive yourself. Isn't it time?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): There was no need to tell the BF as it happened in the past, as you have said it lets hope he does not use that information against you. WE all make mistakes and that lousy ex deserved it for using you. So dont feel bad, let it go and enjoy life. We all make mistakes and others have done worst.
You are being too hard on yourself. I dont think what you did was that bad, you were young and trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, if the ex was not a two timing ass you would not have gone that route. Forget the past and enjoy your future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): When your young you do crazy things in new situations because you have no life experience to fall back on. And as you get older AND you gain life experience AND social experience you develop better strategies to cope with situations that occur.I did stupid things when I was younger to try to keep a certain boyfriend AND when I look back I am horrified I behaved the way I did but I just push it to the back on my mind AND remember I was young,I was vulnerable,I was messed up AND I was used.Don't feel bad You made up something to try AND keep something that was important to you at the time just write it off as a mistake AND learn for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 I think you should see a counselor/therapist. You seem very depressed and honestly I think you feel far too guilty. Plus you have had depressing thoughts in the past and used to cut yourself so you should get help to the root of this.
As for who you should tell, I think you should tell your family and explain you were in a really bad place, you have felt very guilty for it, and are now seeing a counselor. If anyone else you told is still in your life right now, tell them the same thing you told your family. If the guy is no longer around and the other friends are long gone don't bother calling them up to tell them, it's long gone and forgotten by everyone except you.
I don't think it was a mistake to tell your current bf. I believe relationships should be open and honest. If he can't accept a stupid mistake made by a confused depressed teenager then he can move on. But it sounds like he does accept it and is getting over it. I would say the more disgusted you are by your past and the bigger deal you make about it, the bigger he will find it to be. So let it go, he said he's fine with it then he is. Don't pester and bother him about it or read into what he's thinking. If he wanted to leave you for it he would've, he didn't, so don't worry about it anymore. If you bring it up constantly and make the relationship depressing and dreadful he probably would leave. That's why a counselor is the best option for you. You can learn to move past your extreme guilt and depression.
I know you need to hear more than this but I don't think you are an awful person for this mistake. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. You clearly feel badly and realize it was terrible and that's enough to make you a decent person in my book. It's the ones who manipulate, lie, cheat and feel no remorse and do it repeatedly that are awful. Forgive yourself please. You are not a terrible person and you don't deserve the feelings you put on yourself. And please get some help to move past this.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 As you get older, you realise that whatever wrong you have done in your life...the most important peson to forgive is yourself. It's totally pointless to confess to anyone else unless you are prepared to let go of the hatred you have of yourself...why is this so?
When you confess but do not forgive yourself, you give people the opportunity to judge you and put you down further...because they know their opinion is going to compound the bad feelings you already have for yourself.
So you did a stupid thing, you were young and it's a well known fact that young people make mistakes and can be a little dramatic...you are no longer that girl...it is not necessary for you to purge your guilt on to everyone you meet...with one acception, maybe speak to your dad and try to explain what you were going through at the time and why you did what you did.
As for your current boyfriend, well the cat is out of the bag and he seems to have accepted your explaination, but really there was no need to tell him, since it's unlikely to happen again and you have grown up and moved on from that event...
You just haven't forgiven yourself...and it's ok to do that you know, because it was a stupid mistake and one in which you learned the lesson NOT to do it again.
You are NOT selfish, or horrible or nasty or disgusting, you are just a young woman who is having a little trouble letting go of the past.
Let it go my darling, there are far worse people and events in the world...you are becoming a good person, you are aware of life and you have a lot of life left to live...and it can be a happy life if you learn to just love yourself a little bit more.
Now be good and go get on with your life xxx
...............................
|
