A
female
age
26-29,
*iogenes
writes:I am a 27 year old editor and I have the worst luck with dating out of anyone I know. This year, I have been on dates with seven men, every one of whom has not felt compelled to continue seeing me, almost always after three dates. I use the somewhat non-descript word 'unsuccessful' rather than something like 'disastrous' because these non-starters always go the same way: Man goes to extreme lengths to pursue me (I've had them 'track' me through friends and ex colleagues, follow me through a crowd and ask relentlessly for dates), first and second dates go very well (talking, laughing, interesting conversation, chemistry), usually a kiss at the end of the second date, a great third date with a bit of hand holding etc, and then the inevitable trailing off of phone calls and texts until I never hear from them again. So it's not as if I get stood up or the men in question treat me badly, they are just simply uninterested, despite telling me they find me attractive and showing in every way detectable that they would like to see me again. I am an attractive girl, I'm tall, slim and model for catalogues. I have a lot of close friends of both sexes who are baffled by the situation – I'm funny and interesting and people always want me around. I'm educated and intelligent and carry myself well. The only thing they can come up with is that these men approach me assuming I am a bimbo because of the way I look and then get a rude awakening when they find I have opinions and a sharp tongue. But I feel this is too flattering an explanation – the men I go on dates with are educated and curious – surely my personality would be a bonus? I know of course that everybody is different and they all had different reasons for not wanting to see me any more, but I have to look at the statistics. The same behaviour from every one of them (keen, affectionate, complimentary) and the same trailing off of contact after the third date, which is normally the stage at which things become exclusive, when people start to relax around each other. It's as if they love the idea of me, but when a potential relationship begins to rear its head they cool off and fall off. I am trying so hard to not obsess over this. It never used to be this way, I had a couple of long term relationships and shorter term ones too, but for the last year this happens again and again. I am now crying as I write this! It is so ironic, because for a long time I was not at my best: I had a traumatic and lonely childhood, my mother left when I was two and I was expelled from schools, had drug problems and behavioural difficulties. Over the last few years, I have found a great career, moved into my own lovely flat, got a fantastic circle of friends and have started studying psychotherapy which I love. It seems that since I have become happy and settled in myself, I repel men.
View related questions:
moved in, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lexie88  + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
 I totally agree with aksoldersister and caring guy. I really do think that this has nothing to do with you per se but the kinds of guys you're going out with. Because you're good looking and successful you will attract many men. The ones who pursue you like crazy are the ones who are usually either only after sex or only after your looks. By the third date these guys realize that a) you will not sleep with them that soon, or b) there is so much more to you than the way you look...and bam, they're gone onto the next one because they know you're not easy and they don't want to make the effort. Good riddance I say!
I agree with askoldersister when she talks about getting to know men through hobbies. You get to know them a bit and if one of them asks you out you'll at least know it's not just because you look good, but it's also about your personality.
What you should do is not change who you are in order to meet a man. Keep meeting and dating guys but don't expect too much to begin with. If they don't want to see you after the 3rd/4th or whatever date don't count this as a loss. Instead thank your lucky stars they didn't waste more of your time. I think you're lucky and better off that these guys left as soon as they did...they never had good intentions from the start.
So, don't cry...it's definitely not you but the men you have gone out with. Where have you met these guys? Is there a pattern you can see in the way you met them, how they pursued you and so on? Change that...there is no point in going out with more guys from this pond because the odds are that it will happen again. Go fish in another pond and you might be surprised.
Also, the guys who pursue you like crazy are quite often not interested in something real, and they often drop you as quick as they got you...and many of them don't even realize they're doing this until they've lead you on and made you believe something will come of this, which is the point when they disappear. A good and genuine guy will not pursue you like a maniac, he will not bombard you with calls and requests to go out...he will take things slowly but steadily. Look for one of those. And one of these is often found through friendship first, especially if you're a good looking woman.
Best of luck :)
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
 I have a similar problem where the way I look doesn't match my personality and I also have a similar childhood. I have a really small build and look very innocent so many of the men that are immediately attracted to me are the more alpha controlling types and I run into a lot of problems with these guys! I'm an independent, free thinker, perfectly capable of happiness on my own yet they assume I need sheltering and that I am the more "submissive" type in relationships, I HATE it. What happens if I date these men is that they don't LISTEN to anything I say and keep assuming what they want, ugh! I can usually figure it all out in the first date though and not go out with them again. I don't try to convince them or prove that I'm different than what they think. Be suspicious if they don't take interest in your career, your goals, or don't seem too interested when you talk about more traditionally masculine things like the stock market or anything else along that line- dead give away. I once was on a third date with this older executive and sort of thought things were going well until he offered me 5k after I told him I had a slow month in sales- YIKES! Another guy, on our first date, informed me he had a huge house and needed a "woman's touch" in decorating and I laughed and said "me too, in the exact same situation!"- he never called me again, haha. You can't take it personally, okay? I have a small, cozy house and I decorate very well but I knew I'd never see him again so I had fun throwing that out there. Another guy knew I did investing as a career and proceeded to tell me all about mutual funds and stocks like I was an idiot. These were all guys that wanted to go out with me and went through a mutual aquaintance to set us up- I don't do that anymore.
A guy that is genuinely interested in you will also be concerned about your character and values, not ask about your sex life or wanting to get you drunk or make too many comments on certain features like blatantly stating you have gorgeous legs or anything too direct and open about your looks right away. They'll be more respectful. I'd also avoid talking about your childhood so the wrong guys won't think you are easy prey- I usually just tell them when they ask that I have a great relationship with my parents and we are very close and leave it at that- true now but not then. You should also avoid drinking alcohol on the first few dates- someone geniunely wanted to know you will be fine with this.
I've had to get HR involved a few times in my career with these guys not backing down and also the dean in my graduate school, thinking I needed to be "harrassed" or "dictated" into going out with them even when I stated clearly they didn't interest me. Some guys see you a certain way based on first impressions and no matter what you do, they just won't see you any differently, which is ridiculous and ignorant. Because of your looks, be careful when you are pursued heavily by a guy that doesn't even know you. A few phone conversations may qualify them better or weed them out before you even start dating them.
I think your problem is exactly what you stated- since you are a gorgeous model type, some think you must be easy and a bimbo. Both our problems is that these men that assume things aren't really trying to get to know us and that's their problem. For this reason, I don't ever date online or usually date men that I don't know unless they seem real laid back or more passive. I have no trouble finding guys to date when I do regular volunteer work or activites that gives me frequent interaction with the same group of people. This way, I get to know guys as friends first and they get to know my personality and if we do start dating, it's because they at least like me for me and know what I'm all about.
It sounds like you don't know these guys at all that are asking you out and with the way you look, this might not be the best approach to dating for you, it wasn't for me. You don't repel men at all, probably the opposite and they can't see past your looks- I'm inclined to think they stop calling partly because you are too good looking and they think there's a lot of competition and if they aren't "getting any action", some other guy is. That you'll string them along. Once again, their problem, not for you to prove or convince. Let them go.
One thing you could be doing is overcompensating for your looks by starting these dates off asserting your independence so they don't get the wrong impression- I have to fight this tendency and remember to be myself with someone I don't know well, that it's their problem if they have the wrong assumption. Too independent can make you look like you have your guard up, that you are a closet feminist, and maybe too aloof or elitist. I've been accused of this before and I have to really remember to just relax and let them show their true colors. I really don't volunteer too much about myself, have a sense of humor, and pay more attention to the TYPES of questions THEY ask me- gives me all the info I need.
Get involved with hobbies (I met a lot of guys in karate, networking groups, and rotary club). These are safe havens, I swear, because they don't ask you out right away and get to know you first before they risk it because these groups aren't meat markets and they don't want to create an awkward situation so they'll usually only start showing interest if they really like you as a person, that's what I've encountered. Hope I've helped.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
First of all, you don't repel men. You sound like a great women, and there's nothing wrong with you at all. And also, it's brilliant that you've managed to turn your life around as well.
Don't give up yet, there's no need to.
There are a few things here. Firstly, I wonder if these guys are after you for sex rather than anything else. A good guy takes his time getting to know a women, whereas players do a lot of persuing (as you have found), and then expect sex within one or two dates, and if they don't get it just move on. So also well done for not giving into them as well.
Also, there are some closed minded guys who can't handle an independent woman and get scared away. You're successful, you're independent with great friends, a flat and you're learning new things. You don't need an unreliable guy in your life. You deserve better than that and I hope you know it.
Take your time, and keep dating. Be a bit more choosey about the guys you do with, and make sure you know there intentions (gently find out about them) before you really open up to them. Perhaps if you've had some pain in your life, it is making you jump at the chance when a guy seems interested in you.
Don't settle for second best, and relax in your life. The right guy is out there for you, but I'm afraid you'll have to work your way through all those men who aren't the right guy until you find one who really does like you and care for you.
Don't change though, and don't worry! All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, hannahgolightly +, writes (3 November 2009):
 Hello,
this is a difficult question to answer with so few details about what happened on your dates. I can only offer potential reasons so that you can explore and experiment until you get to the bottom of what's happening yourself.
1. Your men were not right for you and they noticed this before you did.
2. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, you may accidentally give off the impression that you are too independent and don't need a man. Men don't want you to be needy, but they like to feel like you have some need for them.
3. You may have got yourself onto the wrong wavelength and may be expecting this to keep happening and therefore subconsiously pushing these men away. To rule this explination out, I suggest picturing the date going well and picturing the man calling you afterwards and picture the two of you as a couple, kind of assume it to already be true and go from there.
4. You are picking the wrong guys. See what these men have in common and see if picking a different guy to your usual type may get different results.
5. You may be panicking that they are losing interst at the 3rd date and therefore behave differently, your insecurity may be sending out the wrong vibe that men oick up on and find ever so repelling. Try to relax and remember your worth. Don't put all your eggs in one basket if this helps to take the pressure off.
...............................
A
female
reader, hannahgolightly +, writes (3 November 2009):
Hello, this is a difficult question to answer with so few details about what happened on your dates. I can only offer potential reasons so that you can explore and experiment until you get to the bottom of what's happening yourself.1. Your men were not right for you and they noticed this before you did.2. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, you may accidentally give off the impression that you are too independent and don't need a man. Men don't want you to be needy, but they like to feel like you have some need for them.3. You may have got yourself onto the wrong wavelength and may be expecting this to keep happening and therefore subconsiously pushing these men away. To rule this explination out, I suggest picturing the date going well and picturing the man calling you afterwards and picture the two of you as a couple, kind of assume it to already be true and go from there.4. You are picking the wrong guys. See what these men have in common and see if picking a different guy to your usual type may get different results.
...............................
|
