A
female
age
36-40,
*trnbelle
writes:I have a really embarrassing BDSM fetish. I have always had a deep desire to be humiliated, degraded, and owned. The problem is that my boyfriend and I were both raised very traditionally and when I brought up the subject he completely freaked out. He was really disgusted by the idea and said that I probably needed counseling because those feelings are not normal. Although I love my b/f very much (we’ve been together for over a year now) I can’t seem to shake my desire to dominated. This has almost turned into an obsession and I have not been able to repress my craving for this lifestyle. It has really had a negative impact on our relationship and I’m not sure if I can be 100% satisfied by my boyfriend anymore. Do you think I will be able to convince my b/f to explore this lifestyle? If not, do you think counseling could actually help me overcome this desire? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BreastMan  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I so wish you were My Girlfriend instead of his. I am into the BDSM lifestyle, though I am really just a sadist rather then a Dom, so i know very well how strong the desire for this kinky activity can be, those who are not into it cant understnd, yes they think we are crazy, perhaps we are but so what ? each with his own desires likes and cravings. Anyway, my advice for you would be to leave him. I know it is simple for me to just say it, but think about it, if he cant sutisfy you, if he cant understand your desires then what kind of relationship it is going to be ? A torment for both of you, and torment not of the sweet erotic kind that we so desire. You can remain friends with him, but you have to tell him thast you need a different kind of sexual expiriance then the one he can provide. Tell him it is not his foult, it is not anyone fault, but the things are as they are so it is better if you just remain friends
A
male
reader, larmenien  +, writes (28 October 2010):
Hello,I'm a 25 year old guy with the exact same BDSM fetish as yours. I fantasize about being dominated and totally owned by a girl. I actually had that fetish for as long as I can remember and the result is...I'm still a virgin because I was always scared to try to have regular sex.My question to you is, how is regular sex with your boyfriend. I mean, do you get aroused even though it's not in the context of your fetish and can you have a normal intercourse.For a guy it's different because the time I got the closest to actually getting it in, I lost my erection... The problem is that I'm not sure it was because of 1st time anxiety or because...I needed something more related to my fetish...I'd like an answer from you in order to know where I'm standing. Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): It sounds very abnormal to someone who doesn't relate to it. There have been movies on it also. I find all this very abnormal. I think you must contact a pschyatrist and go with your boyfriend. Love is actually about caring and being at peace but this sounds just the opposite.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (30 March 2010):
 And no, there is no way to get this guy to do what you want.
And you SHOULD NOT get counseling for something like this.
I have been into BDSM for years in a healthy and productive manner.
I personally have had women with his mentality turn into complete sex nymphs always craving and craving and craving the BDSM sex games.
Why is it that the people that are into BDSM happen to have the highest sex drive?
Why is it that people that have previously low sex drive, that then find BDSM have high sex drive?
Why is it that we all end up being helplessly sucked into kinkier and kinkier things?
Because we are humans and it is in our nature.
To ignore our wants and desires is the what is unhealthy, not the other way around.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (30 March 2010):
yeah, get out...
this guy is a dumby...
if you like to be humiliated during sex with the right guy, then get humiliated.
If he doesn't want to do it, but he wants you to do stuff for him, its not a good relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): This relationship sounds very one sided. You need to get out. It will suck at first but will be better in the long run for sure.
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A
female
reader, strnbelle +, writes (19 March 2010):
strnbelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe refuses to even discuss it any further, so compromising is out. If I bring it up he gets upset and says that he has already made up his mind and that it is not “open to further discussion.” Also, I do lots of things that I am not particularly fond of for him (not all sexual acts, of course). It seems to me that if he brings up an idea, then it is correct; however, if I have an opinion it is automatically ruled out.
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (17 March 2010):
There is a BDSM scene, lots of people who enjoy the same thing, you should find them and satisfy this desire. As for your boyfriend, if hes a good boyfriend he will make some effort to accommodate your needs, although to fulfil your desire completely may be above and beyond the call of duty, plus, he wont enjoy any of it. I dont think you can have both. I think you should explore this fetish, hopefully in time, after practising it, your thirst for this will reduce so if you wanted to be with someone who didnt have the same fetish, it wouldnt be a problem, but right now, it is a problem and needs to bee explored.
As for counselling, ask yourself is this a problem. Counselling deals with desires that ruin your life like addiction, whereas this fetish isnt a problem, its a desire. It would be like trying to counsell someone out of loving football. Its just another sexual fetish which is not wrong, i like a lot of unusual things, but no one can tell me im wrong for liking certain things, different people like different things, theres nothing wrong with that. I can understand other peoples reaction, they cant see how anyone can enjoy that which is true of unusual food, clothes, music ...
If you dont explore this now, in the future it will hang over you as something you missed out, or possibly ruin another relationship.
Lets not count your boyfriend out yet, ask yourself is he worth ignoring this desire? Ask people who are into it, how it makes them feel, my interpretation of this is that it will change your sex life from flat to fizzy, which is the case when you explore something you strongly desire?
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Difficult topic. This is a lot to ask a boyfriend depending on how long you've been together. If you plan on marrying him then that is a different story. Whoever you marry should trust you and WANT to please you and be secure enough to do what you ask. At the same time, do you like everything he does? (both sexually and not) Like most couples you never truly love every single thing about them. Relationships are full of compromises. Maybe meet somewhere in the middle to start. If he can't compromise then he might not be the one for you. Also ask yourself this - If he had some crazy fetish, habit or just something he wanted you to do that you 100% didn't like, would you do it for him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I agree, you need an outlet for these desires. If your BF isn't willing to even try, then he is not right for you. I can tell you that there are people out there who would love to train you. I'm one of them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): You need another guy! Just look for it. The question is if you keep your bf and in parallel create another relationship or break up with him first.
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