A
female
age
36-40,
*at1985
writes:I am 23, my boyfriend is 20, we have been together just over 2 years, and have been so happy. We have done so much together, including go away on holidays etc. A few months back (Aug 08) his family turned against me and from then I was not allowed in his family home and so was never allowed to spend any proper quality time with him. We got around this issue and still went out and had made the most of what we had. Recently (Oct 08) we had a huge arguement about the way things are/are not going. His family done nothing but interfere and cause havoc between us. Things blew out of proportion and now he wants nothing to do with me. He wanted to throw away everything and delete me from his life. The following day he was in touch with me by text message and was saying how he loves me but cant be with me but wants to be friends, best friends. He said that he hopes we find each other agin someday etc. I am happy to be friends as I do not want to lose him entirely. He texts me every day now, more than once a day telling me he loves me. 4 days after the arguement he had told me he had been drinking alcohol excessively since we split which got me really worried. He has a really good paying job which he enjoys and to me it is like he is throwing it all away. I know I shouldnt, but I blame myself for this. I cannot help but worry about him. My head is all messed up. I do not know what he really means when he says he loves me. I dont know what he really means by he hopes we will find each other aagin. I dont know what to say to him in return of any texts he sends. I dont want to lose him, and I would take him back anyday, but I would want to sort things out with his family, for both our sakes. I don not think his family will want to do this, but it is something I am willing to pursue. How can I tell him I want him back without scaring him away completely? How can I reply to his 'love you' texts? What should I do next? All ideas and suggestions welcome. I am at the end of my tether. Thinking about Councelling and everything, but I know deep down I do not need it. I am writing a diary of my thoughts every day to help get things off my chest. Please help. x
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female
reader, kat1985 +, writes (4 November 2008):
kat1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your feedback. You have all basically said exactly what my family and friends have told me. I never brought my family into anything to do with my relationship until now, for the simple reason that his family could well do something further, because the family are like that. It is the hardest decision I have ever had to face, and I know I have to do what is right for me. He still texts saying he loves me and how he hopes we find each other agin some day... this is what keeps working on my mind and I donnt fully understand what he means by this. As I said before I am writing a diary of my thoughts every day to get things off my chest without causing anyone else any bother over it. Each day I write about him and how he makes me feel each day. In a way I would like him to one day read it and realise exactly what he put me through, maybe it would open his eyes a bit. He can be immature, but deep down I know he can be better than that. He has stood up for me and himself to his family before but it has just got harder over time. I cant blame him for his relationship with his family. He was abused as a child by his father, and so has become very close to his mother over the years and feels he can tell her anything, which is pretty much what he does. As Irish49 said, usually partners talk about it, forgive, forget and move on... this is what I want to do. Because he is texting me, I get the feeling he is trying to forgive me for all that has happened. Because he is saying he loves me I think in a way he wants to try and forget about what happened. Its the moving on bit that has been caught in the trap for the mean time. I am afraid to just ask him what we can do now, and what the future holds, because Im afraid I will lose him forever. I am happy being friends if it means having him in my life somehow, but I cant help thinking he will always have a hold on me. Am I over reacting? Should I go and speak to my GP about this? His family said due to my attitude I need help and should see a specialist. I know deep down there is nothing wrong with me, but sometimes I think too much into it and think do i? Thank you all again guys for responding. I wil kepp you posted on what happens/doesnt happen. Any other help/advice is appreciated. Thanks K x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): I agree with Eyeswideopen, whole heartedly. Ignore this guy and get on with your life! In your follow up you brought something very important, likely the root cause of your problem with him...which he contributed to the demise of this relationship. You said,
"Me and my boyfriend had an arguement and said a few things to each other which should not have been said, he obviously told his family what I said, and since then they have hated my so called attitude, even though it was him that said things to me too."
Like most arguments couples have, angry words which are said to each other. Gosh we all do that with our loved ones, don't we. But most couples keep these type of private spats to themselves, they discuss, they rationalize , they usually forgive and within 24 hours, most quickly realized how dumb the argument was, they apologise and life goes on.
Your bf has shared some deeply personal information about you, by talking (complaining) to his family. A person's family is "not an ubiased sounding board' and people really need to understand the great damage they do to their partners, when the get their families involved in their arguments. And this is where he showed deep disrespect for you and acted with great uncaring and immaturity. By telling his family this toxic stuff about you, they naturally, chose to side with him. What happens is after the relationship normalizes again, the family remains polarized and angry at you! Your bf has done a lot of damage to your character here and he should never, ever have involved his family. So now, we know due to his gossip and complaining, his family are still very hostile toward you and will likely remain so. So did he 'love you in a mature, good way' when he did this?
No he didn't. He thought only of himself. A big sign of immaturity. Take yourself out of this as soon as you can. Work hard to move on. He messed up any chances that you could redeem yourself in the eyes of his family. They will always, always harbor hard feelings. I wish I could tell you that they would forgive and forget...but often, they don't, when they hear garbage and slanderous stuff about someone involved with their son. Whether it was any of their business or not, they have formed an opibnion and you have to ask...do you need the crap now and in the future. Go heal, recover and find a sensible thinking, young man who better suits your maturity level.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): I want you to read this carefully and in difficult times remember this:
Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me".
(quote by Ann Landers)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 November 2008):
 He's old enough to make his own decisions and not rely on his family to do it for him. If he keeps up with the I Love Yous I'd tell him to piss or get off the pot. If he does love you why did he break up? Ask him what the point is with sending you these messages. If he's just stringing you along I'd start ignoring him and get busy with my life.
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A
female
reader, kat1985 +, writes (3 November 2008):
kat1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts no big secret, but I dont know a proper reason as to why. Me and my boyfriend had an arguement and said a few things to each other which should not have been said, he obviously told his family what I said, and since then they have hated my so called attitude, even though it was him that said things to me too. Me and him were able to forgive and forget and carry on, but they couldnt, even though it didnt invlove them at all. When we had the arguement before and the family fell out with me, he told me it was over, as he is doing now, but we got back together. This time though, although he texts saying how much loves me etc, he says it is definetely over. I just dont know what to do to put this right or what to think anymore. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): It is good that you are writing your feelings down. It is a form of expression. Why did the family turn against you? It must be serious if you are not allowed at there home. With out the relevant information it is difficult to access the situation and give any comment or advice.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 November 2008):
What did you do to turn his family against you?
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