A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i am 19 and have just entered into a relationship with a guy who is also 19. I'm used to older guys but thought it would be nice to be with someone my own age... but it turns out he's really inexperienced. I am myself a virgin, but have experience doing everything else. To give you an idea of how inexperienced he is - I was his first french kiss. :S. It became obvious to me how inexperienced he was when i was running my hand down his back to touch him, but before i got there he came. I tried again on a different day down the tummy, only for him to squirm and giggle and tell me 'that feels weird' and again he came. This has happened now 5 or 6 times once or twice ive been able to touch his genitals... but after he comes, he gets very cagey and awkward and wont let me continue to touch him. He's very shy about touching me no matter how i encourage it. He touches my bum more... which is some progress but its starting to really creep me out. I feel like i am with someone with the mental age of 14. I'm fresh out of ideas and am used to being the one being 'shown' rather than showing... can anyone help me with this? I don't know how to be. ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help. The reason i compare him to a 14 year old is because he is childish in many ways other than sexually. That's why its starting to creep me out because its like being with someone far younger than me.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (23 January 2010):
 I am sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was having a go, but you are wrong to assume that ALL guys have had some sort of sexual experience, kissing, touching whatever by the time they are 19. This is the common perception, but in reality, a lot of guys probably have never properly kissed a girl at this age. I think you would be shocked in fact.
It came across as if you just expect him to be knowledgeable and easy with sex because you are, so therefor all guys the same age as you have to be too.
The way you have written your first post sounds that just because he isnt sexually confident - he is like a 14 year old, thus not good enough, or still a child? I just didnt think that was fair on him. You need to find out why he has no experience. Has he just not met the right girl? Maybe he has been waiting for someone he really loves before getting intimate with them, rather than playing about with any girl that comes along. There are many many reasons why people wait to have sex, not because they have a mental age of 14.
You say you love him, but if you go in THINKING like that, you will give off a vibe and he will pick up on it, making him even more nevous. You dont mean to do it, but you cannot hide that sort of viewpoint.
He knows you have been with experienced men, so the pressure on him to live up to your previous experiences is immense. He is probably thinking "how the hell can I satisfy her like they did". He may find your past sexual history intimidating - guys are funny like that. You only have to look at some of the other questions on here to see how guys get very insecure when their partners have had more sexual conquests than they do. They feel emasculated.
He is just very shy, so you need to take things slowly. You say when he touches your bum it creeps you out? Why?
Next time he does that, take his hand and move it somewhere else, where YOU want it to be. Once you have done it a few times he will get the idea. You are the one with experience here, so you need to show him what to do. How did your ex boyfriends introduce you to new things? Try and use the reverse on him. Take it slow, talk to him gently.
I just think you need to address what you actually want from a relationship. If you are used to an experienced man, who pleasures you all the time, how long will you be able to cope before you get frustrated with your new boyfriend because he doesnt, or is too shy? Will you get bored, because you do have experience, and that is the kind of relationship you expect and are used to. You are already comparing him to a 14 year old....so I just have concerns for your relationship.
You need to talk to him and take the lead. Show him what you want. Some guys just need a hand and it may take months before he is confident enough.
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A
male
reader, LoverBoy91  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Hello, I understand your situation perfectly, I was exactly like your boy about 6 months ago, when I started with my current girlfriend. She was really experienced, not a virgin, and me, I was a virgin in every sense. I had never even tip-kissed a girl before. So I know exactly how your boy feels, and all you need to do is give him time, give him space to be as loose as he wants. It took me roughly about 6 weeks to be comfortable when I felt her breasts. And the first time she felt my genitals I came almost instantly. 6 months later, I am now a loose rope, if you know what I mean, I can make my girl have many orgasms in a short time. My point is, maybe he and I were a bit too shy at the beggining, but after some time we can get really loose and satisfy our girls any way they want it.
My reccomendation is to give him time, talk to him about these things, reassure him about how normal his behavior is due to his inexperience, that you understand it perfectly. It might also help to watch dirty movies together, watching porn movies with him might be a good idea on getting him loose, as you watch different sex scenes ask him what he feels about it, and if he'd like to try that in the future. Just try to get around his shyness, get him to loose himself and open himself to you.
Good luck! And feel free to email me if you have any other questions, remember, I was like him not too long ago so I'm probably the best that could help you in getting him as loose as you want him to be. ([email address blocked])
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... i feel like you just had a massive go at me. Ithink if i didnt care about this situation or was having a go at him i wouldn't have written in asking for help at all? And he is different for his age most guys have had a degree of experience by 19... i certainly dont have a go at him and do try to make him feel at ease. I love him and only want to give him pleasure, i dont mind him coming soon. The fact being ive not experienced this before and was trying to get help on how best to deal with this as i I DONT WANT to be pressuring him into something he isnt ready for.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (22 January 2010):
Can I just ask why it is such a problem that he is inexeperienced? Everyone has to start somewhere!
Contrary to popular opinion, not all teenagers are running around having rampant sex, or sexual touching. There are far more women and men who are 19, 20, 21, 22, 23.... and older who have not rushed into a sexual relationship than you could realise. Just because you are 19, and have had many older guys, and have done everything except sex, doesnt mean everyone has. Just because he is still inexperienced doesnt make him strange. He is perfectly normal for his age.
I am sure that when you first started intimate touching, that you were pretty unsure, a little scared, and a little embarassed about the whole situation. How long did it take you to feel ok with being touched by a guy? I am sure he put you at ease and made you feel comfortable?
Guys have a huge amount of pressure on them to be "studs" and to be sexual predators because of the stereotype of male sex gods, and the fact is, you have been with older, more experienced guys before, who have been through the learning curve, and have been in the position your boyfriend is in now. Sadly, especially for guys, if they dont have a whole line of notches on their bedposts by a certain age, they are considered "freaks" or "gay" by their peers, and very few guys would admit to being inexperienced because of the stick they would get from their mates. Having their girlfriend also pick on them and show that they are not understanding will only help to make him more insecure about it all.
Give him a break. The more you pressure him, the worse he is going to feel, and the more likely he is to clam up and not let you anywhere near him for fear of either disgracing himself by "coming too soon" or not being able to rise to the occasion. It is perfectly natural for a guy who is inexperienced, or who hasnt had sex in a long time to react very quickly to sexual stimuli. They cant help it. Its like a coiled spring waiting to go off...
"I'm fresh out of ideas and am used to being the one being 'shown' rather than showing... can anyone help me with this"
Sometimes, the woman has to take charge in the relationship. Yes you might not like it, but sex is about give and take.
If this was the other way round and you were a guy complaining about how his GF wouldnt put out, then you would be told in no uncertain terms to take it slow, and yes it may take a while, but if you really like them then you will wait as long as it takes for them to be ready.
What you need to do, is to be understanding, and HELP him overcome his shyness. Dont try and rush him. Stick with kissing and making out, dont go anywhere near his genitals. Everything will work out as and when it is ready. You are just going to have to have a bit of patience, and if you cant do that, then do the kindest thing and move on to a guy who can give you the instant satisfaction you obviously want.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 January 2010):
I'm afraid you can only take your time with him. Have patience. You'll find he's just terrified, so don't worry about it. You'd be surprised about the mental state of a lot of men! We spend all our time talking about it, but when it comes to doing it first time around it's terrifying. All you need to do is have patience with him.
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