A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is my second marriage. My husband has a bad habit of saying "Whatever" if I am trying to talk about something, even if it is minor talk. He was gone for a couple of days on business and when he got back I was telling him that I observed a neighbor that left his garage door open all day and how someone could have broken into his home. My husband turns to me and says "Whatever". Then my husband proceeds to tell me that this neighbor isn't hurting us or we him so what's the big deal.He has done this several times to me saying "Whatever' when I try to talk to him. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say or probably finds what I am saying is worthless to him.Then if I happen to be talking and a news story comes on TV, he will put up his finger for me to cease talking so he can hear what the newscaster is saying. He cuts me off in that way.Or he will be standing right at the kitchen counter and tell me to get him a bowl of cereal when he can easily do that himself. I moved to a state where it seems that this is the woman's role or "place" as far as serving your husband. More old fashioned standards are applied here. It's just an unspoken rule in this agricultural state. Same goes for when we are eating dinner at the table. He wants me to get up and get him seconds, he will hand me his plate to do so, even while I am still eating. The majority of the time he starts eating and will dive right in before I get the chance to sit down and start eating myself.I was widowed young and my late husband and I would chat over coffee. I miss those chats. He would never say "Whatever" to me or cut me off. My late husband was quite capable of serving himself a bowl of cereal or getting up from the table and getting himself seconds. The state I was living in with my late husband had more progressive views on a woman's role in a marriage.I am missing those types of moments that I had with my late husband more and more. I feel like a servant in this one that isn't allowed to speak.Has anyone else ever had these issues? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
 It's been my experience and observation that people who habitually mistreat others cannot be reasoned with. You have to train them, like a dog, to behave differently by behaving differently yourself.
The next time your husband begins eating before you're seated, calmly remind him that it's considered polite to wait until everyone is seated before digging in then leave it at that. You don't have to have the last word and he won't agree to things right away. The goal is to make him more aware of his behaviour and your expectations.
The next time he interrupts your meal to ask for seconds, continue eating and inform him that you'd be happy to refill his plate when you've finished yours. Again, leave it at that. If he's that hungry he'll get up himself. At the very least he can wait for you. You have got to stop immediately rewarding him when he does the wrong thing.
It is very important that you be calm, matter of fact and brief. If you do this angrily you'll be dismissed as 'emotional' and he'll think all he has to do is ride out your bad mood and things will return to normal. Being confident and upbeat will show him that things have changed. This may take a bit of time so be patient and stay the course.
Now, about his dismissing what you have to say, I must admit that here I'm more sympathetic to him. Gossiping about the neighbours is hardly what I would consider stimulating conversation. If you were prattling on about nothing while I was trying to listen to an interesting news story and you weren't polite enough or smart enough to shut up on your own, I'd be telling you to 'shush' too. If you want anyone to be interested in what you have to say, then it's up to you to talk about something interesting and at a time when they're willing and able to listen.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 June 2014):
I would never treat my wife that way because she would never tolerate it. Stand up for yourself. If he hands you his plate ask him if his legs are broken. You have the right to be treated with respect.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2014):
 Honestly, he is doing it because you allow it. My husband would LOVE for me to wait on him hand and foot and frankly, that isn't going to happen. If he asks if there is any coffee (knowing full well there isn't) I just tell him that he can go make a pot or a cup. I WILL make him a cup if I am fixing myself a cup of tea or whatnot, but I don't JUMP to my feet and do as "commanded". This isn't the 1950.
He is a GROWN ASS man and can go get his SECOND serving himself, or his coffee or cereal. He knows where the kitchen is. The fact that YOU DO get him *whatever* he feels entitled to only REINFORCE his behavior of treating you like a servant.
If he doesn't want to do small talk about the neighbors then honestly, I'd refrain from it.
I can understand if someone is watching the news that they don't like to be interrupted, it's one of my pet peeves even with the kids (though I do NOT think TV is more important then what they have to say) but I CAN NOT stand having a conversation with my husband and the kids interrupt or having a conversation with my kids and my HUSBAND interrupt. It's rude.
Have you talked to him about this AT all? If not, then I suggest you do. If he dismisses it, well then you know where you stand and it will be up to you if you WANT to continue being treated that way or if you don't.
If you have tried to talk to him about it, I would try to give him a bit of his own medicine for a while. IF he asks you why you do that, tell him I do it because I want you to see how it feels.
Most things can be worked out with compromises and talking, some things can't.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014): Well, I am not married, but I don't think my opinion would be useless here. Did your second husband always exhibit this rude behavior or did it only happen once you got married and moved? If you live in a conservative community, maybe other people are rubbing off on him. Something tells me this side of him is not new....You are not his mother or maid. He can handle small things. He might think its your duty as a wife to serve him inside the home and be quiet, but this is the 21st century. Maybe you are talkative, but he can relay that more respectfully instead of saying "whatever." He dismisses your words as womanly gossip and nagging it seems. Have you tried asking him why he does this? Is he stressed from work and just does not want to hear stuff?Marriage needs communication. Wife and husband at equal footing, open to talk and listen to the other. If he will not discuss in a civil way why he shushes you so, ask yourself if you want to spend your days and nights with someone who will not at least take your words seriously. He belittles you.
...............................
|
