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Does she want to marry me or not?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2018)
A male Norway age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm trying to seek advice on what to do next here, and what will be the best way to proceed. I asked my girlfriend to marry me about two months ago. She said yes, but not yet. The reasons she gave to wanting to wait, was that she felt she was so busy with work right now, wanted to get some things fixed around the house first etc. I wondered if these were the true reasons, maybe she actually doesn't want to marry. I felt those reasons were not so important in the big picture, as there will always be things to fix around the house etc. Work will always be work and when is ever a "good time" if you need everything to be 100% perfect?

So we talked, and she agreed things don't have to be 100% perfect, but said she had this idea about everything just being perfect when we would get engaged. So she felt my timing was wrong.

I tried to maintain our relationship as usual, every day went by and no changes, we didn't have further discussions about it. Then I realized I don't want to continue "as usual" and be in limbo. I can't pretend I didn't propose to her. So I said I don't know if I can carry on like this, I love her and want to marry her, but if she feels Im not the right person for her then she needs to tell me so and not pretend nothing happened in our relationship.

We had a long talk about it and I feel she opened up more about why she was hesitant. We have tried for a baby for over a year now, with no luck. She said she was scared that I will leave her/stop loving her if it turns out she can never get pregnant. We are both headed to get tested for fertility issues this upcoming month.

She has also been married before, and her ex husband cheated on her. She is afraid our relationship will change after marriage.

Then she told me she does want to marry me, and asked me if we could go shopping for rings the following weekend. It was a bit of a change, and now I worry that she only said this because shes scared of losing me.

Should I hold back and give her more time, wait for test results etc, or should I trust that she does want to marry me and go ahead with it? She seems very happy talking about marriage now, discussing rings, venues, who will be brides maids etc. Was it just a case of cold feet? She wasn't at all nervous about a future with me when discussing children and when we started trying for a baby, so I am a bit confused why she was hesitant about marriage.

PS. We're both in our mid 30's

View related questions: engaged, her ex, trying for a baby

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (15 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou sound like an amazing man! I really hope you both have a happy future. She is a lucky woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2018):

Thank you for your answers. They have been very helpful. To answer some questions you had:

In her previous marriage they did not discuss/plan for children. It was not something they/her ex wanted. So they never tried.

Will I change my mind about her if it turns out she can't have children? No. She is the one I want to have children with. I don't want children in general, as in having a kid just to have a kid. I want one with her, specifically. So if it's not with her, then it is not with anyone at all. Which is why I know it wont change my mind no matter what the results say. I'm happy to adopt if we can't make one the natural way. I can also see myself having a future without children, as long as I have her. So that one I know 100%. But deciding to have children, or in our case to try for children, was a big decision. And she knows it was a huge decision for me (for both of us, I am sure). We bought a bigger house, and started to prepare for children already. We didn't think it would be difficult to make one, you know. So we are already in this so deep, we are already mentally there, being parents. We've discussed child raising, what responsibilities we will have, how to share tasks, where the kids room will be. We have discussed this in depth, and I have taken the matter very seriously, as I feel one should when deciding to bring another human into this word. So yes, it would be painful if it turns out we can't have children. It would mean a drastic change in how we see our future. But it will not change my mind on wanting to spend my life with her.

We did go look at rings, but didn't find anything we particularly liked. Now she found a new shop that we can visit, and has been asking when we can go there. So far I have decided to not go ahead with it, and instead give it more time. Wait until after the test results, at least. So when she's asked about when we can go, I have said we have to fix x, y and z around the house first. We do have plenty to do around the house, there's some painting needed, lots of things to clean out and move around. I am filling up our schedule and weekends with this now. Sort of using her own delaying tactic against her. But I did tell her that I decided I want to wait, even though she now says she wants to go ahead with it. I think she needs more time, and I think she needs to see that I want her, kids or no kids.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (14 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHer reasons that she gave you does sound to me like excuses, things done around the house and work, you are right there is always something to do and something to repair. So yes those excuses do sound like she was trying to delay everything.

She mentioned that your timing was wrong, so I am guessing she is not ready for that step in the relationship at the moment. If she was married before and it did not work out then it could be that on top of not being sure if she has an issue with having children or not. Was there an issue with children in her last marriage?

Of course you cannot carry on as normal, it is hurtful to propose marriage and it to be swept under the carper. I don't think it is a case that she is not sure she wants to be with you, I think it might be a case of she is worried about not being able to get pregnant. Also her last marriage could have hurt her more than you realize and she might not want marriage again. A lot of people never want to marry a second time. It sounds like she is agreeing with you because she is scared of loosing you, and that is not a good enough reason to want to marry someone. If she is scared things will change after marriage then it sounds to me like she does not want to go through that again.

Changing her mind and wanting to go ring shopping is not that great of an idea, she is doing it to please you and this will only hinder your relationship more.

I think give her more time, get the tests done, see how they go and work from there. But watch her actions and not her words because it sounds like she is agreeing to marriage to please you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018):

My guess would be that she is worried she might be infertile and that if she is you will leave her. She doesn't want to marry you yet because she doesn't want to get her heartbroken again. If she wanted to have a baby with you she clearly loves you. I would wait a little while and try not to bring it up again and then maybe in 6 months or so try again

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A female reader, TheJazziest United States +, writes (14 February 2018):

TheJazziest agony auntOh Dear, Me. As a perpetual commitment-phobe myself let me just say, Sir: Bravo on handling things so well. You honestly seem like a genuine and caring man. Now, on to the matter at hand (or rather, the ring-finger).

Before, I go further the answer is yes. She does want to marry you. But, let me clarify for you just what happened here.

The first excuse that she gave you was just that: an excuse. It was not the true reason for her hesitation to marry. Rather this was her blanket statement so that she could keep you at bay while not outright lying to you about the truth behind why she was somewhat trepidatious about your nuptials.

But you, brilliant fellow that you are, didn't allow things to remain as they were and asked her straight out how she feels about things for real and why she actually denied your proposal. And therein with your directness you gave her the space, understanding and care to reveal her true feelings about it all: your lack of a child, her ex-relationship and his behavior and more than anything else, her fear that your marriage will end as a repeat of the last. That all that glitters now will become copper once that band is on her hand.

Because of the fact that you were so loving, open and direct with your impending fiancé it does sound like you truly reached the crux of the issue. And so, you stumbled upon the true secret that is the sole author of any true commitment-phobes handbook: Fear.

When you spoke to her as a woman that you loved and understood and didn’t let her get away with her make-believe excuses, this is when you got the truth about how she was really feeling and why she was truly hesitant about your proposal. Look at your own letter and compare the fickle excuses in the beginning to the honest and raw fears that were revealed once you had that long talk. Those are genuine and true concerns and the actions of someone who doesn’t want to lose you.

With all of this said, please know that she may need time and reassurance, but in her heart, she does and always did want to marry you. And with your understanding behavior, you have shown her that you are capable of handling her initial worries and being the man that she fell in love with. Now, the true issue remaining is not the upcoming fertility tests (as this seems like something the two of you will weather together no matter the result) it is that your own original surety of her love for you now holds a freshly painted question mark.

Whether or not you realize it, her original half-truths to you did something to the trust that you built up together and the faith that you had in her before-after all you loved and trusted each other enough that you jointly decided to begin trying bring a new life into this world.

So, now, you will need to do something else for the health of your relationship: Just as you called on her to be honest with you about how she truly felt, you must give yourself the exact same opportunity to mend up that you so lovingly gave her. Have another talk, this time letting her know how some of your confidence has been just a bit weighed down by her initial hesitancy.

Chances are, she will be able to convey to you just how much she really did then and does now, though more openly so, wish to become your wife. And you will be able to be reassured yourself that the woman who you love does indeed love you.

And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness, health and bouncy bundles of joy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018):

It sounds like you have the right woman.. a true keeper. Don't ever let her down, and don't ever leave her.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhat would you do if it comes out that she CAN NOT have kids?

Is it a possibility that you would look for someone else?

I think a smart thing would be to WAIT until you get your fertility results back and THEN have a conversations because it DOES seem like a lot hinges on the possibility of children/no children from both ends.

I think SHE wants YOU to be sure. My guess is because she knows you want a family - wife AND kids. And she already went through ONE marriage that didn't work out and ended in divorce. So for her to be a BIT more cautious than you? It's not strange to be honest. IMHO

My uncle has been married 8 times! and he isn't gun shy at all - even now at 68. My dad on the other hand was married to my mother for 45 years and after she passed it took him a good while before he met someone new. The first lady (who was a nutter TBH) wanted marriage 2 months in. And that was a bit much for my Dad. He then ended it and later met his current lady-friend. They have been together around 5 years? And still no marriage. I don't think my dad actually WANTS to marry again.

Why do I mention these two men? Well, they are brothers but also individuals. With very different outlooks on marriage. One keeps trying hoping to find that ONE "perfect" woman and then other goes slow slow slow and cautious. Not because his marriage to my mom was bad, it wasn't, but I think he knows a second marriage IS NOT necessary for them both to be happy. If that makes sense?

Also I think there IS some stigma with DIVORCE still. It's seen as a "failure".

So, IF I were you, I'd wait for the results and THEN have "the talk".

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 February 2018):

Never listen to what people say, watch what they do.

If she wanted to marry you, she'd be running down the aisle at the next church she saw if you let her.

A woman delaying commitment is like a man delaying sex - there's always a reason, and not one you're going to like. In this case, my guess is she's waiting to see if something better comes along.

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