A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My live in girlfriend of four years and I have a great relationship and a healthy sex life. I recently discovered that she is into porn. She forgot to close a tab on the browser and after seeing it I checked the history. She views a lot of intense, kinky porn and bdsm videos. I don't mind what she likes to watch but I don't know if this is what she wants in the bedroom. We have never done anything nontraditional and I don't know if she wants more. Please help. Any answers appreciated.
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male
reader, Prof Porn +, writes (7 August 2014):
To Spank or Not to Spank
I have come to the understanding that the human sexual appetite is similar to our appetite for food. Meaning, just like we have acquired tastes for certain cuisine, we also have acquired tastes for different types of sexual inter action. When a person has their first few sexual experiences their perception of what they like or should like and what their partner likes or should like will change drastically as time passes. Just like a person when they have their first taste of alcohol, at first they like drinking sweet drinks like pina colada’s but as the years pass they move on to heavier drinks like martinis or scotch on the rocks. Sex works in the same way, at first it is very conservative but as time passes and more things are experienced we begin to feel comfortable about what we like and how we like it.
The subject of sexual appetite leads me to address the problem of what to do when you find out that your partner has a secret sexual need that you weren’t aware of. When discussing the subject of sexual needs or fantasies it is wise to understand that everyone is different. Even when involved in a long time relationship it is very common and possible to discover that you and your partner have grown in different directions when it comes to sexual wants. Although this can be somewhat confusing and stressful, there is still hope. The secret is (in my opinion), as opposed to looking at the situation like your growing apart sexually, try viewing your different preferences and issues when it comes to sex as different ingredients for a meal that is to be prepared. By viewing the situation in this manner it ceases to be a problem and eventually becomes more of an adventure or challenge. Three ingredients that could be a mirepoix or beginning broth for a soup of sexual compatibility are counseling, communication, and experimentation.
There are different approaches the boyfriend can take to fix the dilemma he is facing. The main approach he could take would just to talk his girlfriend. Communication is key to a successful relationship. But if you feel embarrassed or feel that your girlfriend will be embarrassed by the question then you can take another approach. You can experiment and see if she prefers the traditional style or the style she’s into. It is possible she may want more but not necessarily. She may just like to watch “intense, kinky porn and bdsm videos”. From my own experiences from porn, I noticed I watch a lot of different variations of porn but in actually would prefer the traditional method of sex.
But if you are feeling insecure about the whole situation you may as well tell her. Be honest and open with your partner, better to let it out than to keep it in. Communication is key to a successful relationship. It is important to express yourself, otherwise you will have all these pent up emotions that will eventually be let out whether you like it or not. You should straight up tell her that you saw her browser history and that you don’t mind the porn but were curious if that is what she wants in the bedroom. She may just tell you that it is a fetish she has when watching porn or she may tell you that’s what she really wants in bed.
In a relationship when you realize that your spouse or someone you’re currently in a relationship with is maybe hiding something from you or you suspect they are, one of the easiest solutions is to simply bring up the topic or problem, and talk about it. Relationships are supposed to be about honesty and communication; both partners are responsible for being open and honest. The writer says, “My live in girlfriend of four years and I have a great relationship and a healthy sex life.” Ironically, the author stumbles upon his girlfriend’s open tabs on their computer and follows her search history to find that she was looking at rather erotic porn, and didn’t know if this was merely a fantasy or what she really wanted with him. If there was good communication within this relationship he would’ve already known what she wants with him.
Now if the person you currently have relations with isn’t very good with his or her communication skills. There is always an option to seek advice for a professional counselor. Since the author doesn’t really have problems in the relationship, the type of counselor he is looking for is a sex counselor. What this allows is professional advice on whether or not this is what his spouse wants. Usually the counselor asks questions to couples to try and get them to talk. With a professional in the room, asking a question without getting a clear answer or one that the partner wouldn’t be able to answer virtually is impossible. The counselor is there to answer and advise you on any questions you might have.
The importance in women in having sexual interactions is desire. Women want to feel satisfaction and feeling loved. They want to make sure that their partner can give them what they want. Women also want men to be kind and sweet and make them feel special. But in one hand, women seek and place a premium on a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness with their sexual partners. They want to make their partner feel happy and that they don’t need to go to another person. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own.
The importance for men in having sexual interactions is communication and a confident woman. They want someone that won’t be afraid to do interesting things in life. Men want women to feel confident when they are going to do things together. That they don’t fee shy when it has to be about important things. Men want a woman as a whole partner. Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.
Another factor in the relationship between a man and a woman is chemistry or compatibility. Mark Manson in his article, “Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships”, states, “Chemistry on the other hand, represents the emotional connection present when you’re with each other. Two people who have a high degree of chemistry have emotional make-ups and personalities that bring out warm-fuzzy emotions in the other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which they continue to make each other feel better and better.” (Manson 1). He continues and states, “Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high-degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness” ( Manson 1). If your partner feels the need to watch porn, this may be a sign that your relationship lacks chemistry. You need to think and ask yourself whether or not you two still have chemistry. If not, then this may be the reason that she feels the need to look at pornography and she might not be the one for you.
Every healthy relationship needs to have compatibility, counseling, communication and experimentation. If your partner feels the need to watch porn then she may not feel the chemistry anymore. It is both of your responsibilities to talk to each other and work things out if you are confused; after all you are partners for a reason. If you are too embarrassed to communicate with her directly, you can always talk to a professional counselor or just experiment to see what she truly wants in bed. If you use these tools and your partner is willing to work with you, it is possible to fix your problem and keep your relationship healthy
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): All of you are right. I should feel more comfortable talking to her about it. Just don't want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable about what she likes but I will ease it into conversation. Thank you all, greatly appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): It is possible that she may want "more", but not necessarily. For example, I am a woman and I tend to watch a lot of hardcore, dirty, kinky porn(just being honest) but its not something I would actually want to do, Im into traditional, romantic sex. So you never know, but maybe you should ask
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Who knows, it could be that she's into that OR, it could mean she was just curious. Haven't you ever opened up a fetish site out of curiosity? Doesn't mean since you watched grannie porn that you're into older women or does it? Ask her about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Sheeez, just ask her! What happened to the communication in your relationship, if you cant even ask her what she likes and thinks she might be hiding her real desires.... For heavens sake, talk to the only person who can answer you: her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 July 2014):
 I would agree with the yes and no.
Somethings are PURELY fantasy. Other things might be something to explore.
I'd buy her a pair of fluffy handcuffs and a blindfold and ask her if she wants to add them to the sex. If it's something you'd like to try. If she agrees let her choose who get to wear what...
In her porn choices are the women submissive or dominant? Because there is a HUGE difference.
Or simply ask her about her fantasies. You two have been together for 4 years, it shouldn't be hard or difficult to talk sex.
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A
female
reader, ImissFuturama +, writes (24 July 2014):
 To answer your title question, not always. I rarely view porn, only like twice a year because for whatever reason I have guilt after. I have one type in particular I watch, a fetish basically. I would NEVER want to try it with my boyfriend, and I also wouldn't want to watch someone perform it in person. To top it off, I classify myself as a straight woman, but for some reason in the videos I'd rather watch women perform than men. So for me, porn preference has absolutely nothing to do with sex preference.
This could be the case with your girlfriend. I wouldn't ask her directly, though. You don't want to embarrass her. I'd go with what WiseOwlE suggested about being more experimental and playful, or just ask if she'd like to try something new.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): In direct response to your question, yes and no. Sometimes people like watching other people do things they would never do. Porn satisfies a sense of voyeurism.
Sometimes people may be inspired and steal ideas to please their mates.
Please don't disguise your real question, if it is: " is there something she likes that I don't have or can't do?"
If you want to know that. You definitely have to ask her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Try this. Ask her if she would like to be more playful and experimental in the bedroom. Ask her what she'd like you to do, and you tell her what you'd like her to do. Then try not to be judgmental or prudish.
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A
female
reader, Angora998 +, writes (23 July 2014):
Just ask her if she would like to experiment. If you are interested in experimenting?
It's hard to tell someone you're in a relationship with that you like something that is out-of-the-norm in the bedroom. You're afraid that their opinion of them will change. But it's also possible that they can watch things and find them arousing, but have no interest in the practice. It could just be curiosity. Quite a few women got intrigued with that particular scene after Fifty Shades of Gray. For a woman to allow a man to restrain her, takes a lot of trust, etc.
Never ask a ? if you're not prepared to hear an answer you are afraid of, or not prepared to hear.
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