A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiDoes NC (No Contact) rules really works. My bf of 2 years is not attentive to me as he was before, he often ignores me and i am the one who always initiate the conversation.I am planning to use NC for few days and see how that goes. I like to know whether NC works at all or not. Appreciate your answers. Thank you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Nope, it doesn't.
Here's why... NC is something that can work for couples that have broken up. It's the best way for someone to get over their partner and its for that very same reason that an ex is likely to get back in contact with them.
Its human psychology. We often want what we can't have.
Now, people rarely change in relationships, lets face it, small changes like getting better at leaving the toilet seat down are not the changes we're talking about here. Think about it, why change something we're comfortable with?
People CAN change however when they're NOT in a relationship... All that time to oneself has gotta be good for something right?
Doing NC in a relationship does not work. Sure, there may be promising changes and professions of love AT FIRST, but once the person feels they're out of danger and comfortable again. BAM. Behavior reverts back to normal and you're back to square one.
Then what? Another round of NC?? Sure, you can try, but now there is less urgency for the other partner to contact you... they know that they've done this trial by fire once, they know they can get you back if they really try as they've done it before. They almost build up a tolerance to NC as if it were a drug and it can take longer and longer periods of NC to get the same effect.
NC is for breakups, not relationships. The number one component for successful relationships is communication,
so riddle me this... how is severing communication a good thing for a failing relationship?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Hard to say so in general.
Because ultimately , if it works or not, depends upon his feelings. If he is just a bit self involved, the type who tends to put more time and energy into friends and hobbies than in you....or if he is the "lazy" type that lets you do all the work in the relationship, contacting, planning dates, initiating sex etc., and he just ...lets himself be loved....BUT basically he cares about you and about keeping the relationship going, NC will work, and not hearing from you will catch his attention and make him perk his ears up to find what happened.
If instead he is distancing himself because he wants out and can't bring himself to tell you yet- you'll actually do him a favour, he'll take the easy way out sighing a sigh of relief.
I know that,said this way, it's a lame answer, but alas, it's the truth, you only know if it worked or not AFTER you have tried.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): my bf, now ex, broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I spent days crying and begging him back. I then stopped contacting him all together. Now he is sending me text messages non stop. Although he hasnt said he wants me back, the no contact did work. I believe it gives people a chance to think. In my situation, im now backing off again and not texting back because although he is contacting me its just mixed signals. In your situation it might make him think about how he interacts. Don't be rude about it tho.Goodluck
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Do you have any idea at all as to why he is no longer as attentive to you? Have you had a serious disagreement, or a number of "minor" unpleasantnesses recently?
Have you been wanting to take things to the next level, and he doesn't seem too keen on the idea? Any of these things could cause him to pull back.
As for your question, its hard to say whether no contact works or not. In your case, I'd try not getting in touch with him for longer than just a few days. Give it at least a couple of weeks and see if he gets in touch. If he does not, then I'd say its an indication that he does not want to continue and this gives him an "easy" way of sliding out of the relationship - but upsetting for you, of course.
Really depends on what's going on with him - and you have no way of knowing. Could be that he's busy at work; has a lot on his mind that he's worried about (issues with his family, perhaps); maybe he just wants to take some time to evaluate the two of you and what he wants from you......it may well be that his non-communication has really nothing to do with you, nothing you've done or not done......if after three weeks, you haven't heard, you could send a brief IM or text. Especially if, for instance, you've seen a movie, TV show, book, something you know he would be interested to hear about, then that would be a good and more natural way to contact him without pressuring him, and perhaps (hopefully) lead to more frequent contact.
From my own recent experience: I have a friend in England who I see at least twice a year when I visit family and other friends. Meantime, we communicate on Skype. He was recently going through a rough patch (nothing to do with me) and I decided it would be a good idea to just leave him be for a while. I did send him a brief note in the mail to let him know he'd be in my thoughts and prayers, to which he responded with a short IM to thank me. After that and a brief Valentine greeting from him, which I replied to, we didn't have our usual once or twice weekly "video visits."
He didn't ask why I was "absent" - expect he knew I hadn't "abandoned" him, and after three weeks, we simply resumed our normal Skype chats. That's my only experience with anything like "no contact" and of course different to your situation, but I hope it encourages you not to worry, and especially not to assume the worst.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Yes it can work but it depends on the situation. No contact for a while is a good way for two people to take some time out and think but your boyfriend will need to work hard and decide if he really wants to be with you in order for it to work. If he has lost interest in you and is not treating you the way that he should be well then it may not work. It takes two people to make a relationship.
...............................
|
