A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, people of dearcupid, I have a question. I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months now and all has been more than good in my eyes but I have a few questions on things that have came up to stress to you to possibly get your input.I met this girl through an old friend and we hit it off, we just have so much in common and everything to me seems almost perfect, she is still young and just graduated HS and is now attending college, alongside working a job, while being in a relationship with me, we always keep in touch, spend about 2-4 times a week together, I never complain about time spent, I just enjoy the time I do get with her as she means a lot to me.She is still a virgin and I am her first serious relationship she has actually had, she has always been the shy girl who never felt attractive, but to me shes as beautiful as an angel, and has the greatest personality I could ever ask for.But my concerns are these, she seems by nature from what I have seen over the months to be just a very stressful, undecided type of woman, she has had a lot of hard times since 2007 in '07 she had lost her grandma and grandpa to disease, she was so attached to them, and the same year she soon lost her own father to a hunting accident, so she has had a lot of stress in her life at an early age, could it account to what my concerns are, I don't know maybe you can help me.All in all she is a very sweet, fun loving caring girl, and any time we are together it's like heaven we cuddle, kiss, watch movies, go out, and occasionally oral sex, but I respect her for her morals, and am in no hurry to pressure her into having sex, simply spending time with her, and being able to orally please her satisfies me to no end, so everything in that area just seems so normal to me, but here below, is where ill stress what is kind of concerning me.Okay she's still young 18, im 23, and both my parents and hers love us both, age doesnt matter to anyone, but I have asked her a few questions that would concern me in any relationship and she just seems like the type of girl who doesn't know how to answer the questions or how she truly feels.Early on in the relationship about 3 months I felt so attached to her and because I wanted to I said "I love you" but I knew her being so young wasnt ready for it so she didnt say it, I know eventually she will.But we recently went on a family vacation, in which she was invited along too, and while on that vacation I took time to ask her a few questions that to me are simple questions, or statements, one being that I really do love her and I hope that we do have a future together.Her replies to such questions were as she took it I wanted to marry and have kids with her, which it wasnt and I explained that to her, but her reply to something like that was "I don't know im still young and want to explore and don't want to be tied down." But then I asked her was us not being in a relationship tying her down? She said yes, so I decided to just out of respect for her ask if she really wanted a relationship or wanted to just be friends, as right now I would respect her and if she wasn't ready for a relationship so young then I'd be her friend. And again to that question she says she dont know.It seems like she doesnt know anything, I gave her the option to let us be friends and still keep in touch but all I have gotten from her in any of those questions is "I don't know", and I do not know what to do, the way shes talking it seems like even tho she got into a relationship with me, from day one she was unsure if she even really wanted a relationship, I have been nothing but good to her and treated her like I would want to be treated, but for me to ask her if she just wants to be friends since she is unclear if she wants a relationship or not.And to constantly hear "I don't know" to a question like that it kind of has me scared to stay in this relationship, because this girl is wonderful and makes it so easy to get attached to, and I dont want to sit around however long its going to take for her to really know if she wants a relationship, because it could go bad in a heartbeat and I could be left heartbroken and single because I waited to only hear she doesnt want a relationship, so what should I do here? Not give her the option and just tell her I want to be friends, or stay in this and risk heartbreak because she means alot to me?Or am I not reading this girl right and her "I don't knows" mean something else completely? I just dont know what to do, besides this girls "uncertainty" in what she want's anytime we are together she shows nothing but complete affection, I AM SO CONFUSED, help me dearcupid readers, help me decide, or simply understand this situation a lot better.
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female
reader, heartbroken101  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 i think she took the questions the wrong way personally. i think that you didn't ask her if you wanted to marry her you just asked her if you were going to have a future together. when me and my boyfriend were going out we were going to move in together after i had finished school...that would have been in about 1.5 years...thatttt is looking into the future...im only 17...but it made me feel like 'hey this guy is actually thinking about having a future with me and its like he wants to be with me for a long time' i felt special and loved after him saying that. but in this case...she might be a bit scared or afraid. i dont think she knows where her head is at. just dont pressure her or you will most likely get the answer you dont actually want. GOOD LUCK!!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust so you know OhGetReal, this girl isnt a I wanna get out and go fuck other guys and party girl, she is and has always been a VERY self conscious girl with her looks, so shes not the type who wants to get out there and party it up when she only goes to college twice a week like 6 hours a day, shes not a live on campus go to every college party girl, she hates to drink, she hates smoking, she doesnt do drugs. Shes a very straight forward, good girl who wouldn't cheat.
And also just so you know, we didnt just start going out right away we both decided to get to know eachother more for at least a month before she decided she did want to date me, so it wasnt a spur of the moment lets do it, we took time to get to know eachother, and it was her choice. And for a girl that will sit there and tell me "I don't know" then to ths day still is dating me and not even acting like we talked still coming to visit me, still texting me saying she misses me when we arent around eachother and cant wait to see me, im sure she's just a girl under A LOT of stress, and will eventually will get over it.
I've already given her the option to just be friends, and even" if it was "I dont know" she hasnt taken it up, why I dont know, but age is a number, theres plenty of people in HS who are younger than 18 that go on to marry their HS sweethearts, and you say 18 years old is too young lol, it was her decision to date me, not mine, doesnt matter if im 23 and shes 18, it's her choice, and if 4 days past me stressing this to her she acts like she never said it and is still affectionate, I think she just is confused with alot of things.
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A
female
reader, heartbroken101 +, writes (17 August 2010):
dont worry. i dont think 3 months is to early to be saying 'i love you' because when i went out with my last boyfriend...we almost said it straight away because we knew what we felt. her saying 'i don't know' might be a way to cover her insecurities. maybe she doesn't actually know how she is feeling. im only 17 but i know what i want...maybe she hasn't figured that out yet. i think personally you need to sit down and talk...without having oral sex or anythin like that.ask her if she is ok. talk about what's going on and if she wants to talk about anything. if she doesn't wanna talk you cant do anything about that. but showing her that you care and are there for her will mean alot. dont give up on her and dont leave her side.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 This chick obviously doesnt know what she wants and she's stated that, where I go back to she's a lil too young and needs to explore life a lil. Get out there and find out who she is. I think 5 months is a lil too early to be talking about a future together and so does she bc she hasnt given it a thought. U want her on the same page with u and she just isnt there. U need to let her go, and date someone who does know what they want.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 August 2010):
 OK firstly, you asked if she wanted to be in a relationship, not to get married. Her answer was I don't know I am young and I want to explore and not be tied down.
What part of that answer do you not understand? She's speaking English. She kept saying I don't know to your questions because you kept asking her various versions of the same question and she didn't want to confront you or tell you No. She's immature, age is not just a number, geez, not when you are 18! Give her a few years and then look her up, but right now she is going to be changing her mind alot, she is going to go out with other guys at school who ask her, she will meet boys at college parties, she is not going to be exclusive with you, she made that very clear....that is what I don't want to be tied down means.
As far as your not getting an STD because she hasn't had any sexual partners, you need to do your homework on HPV. HPV is one of the most common human virus there is, there are something like 200 strains of the virus, 43 of the strains are contagious, many people have been exposed to HPV and have no symptoms and may never have symptoms, but the virus can live under you fingernails man, and you can easily give it to her.
For a female, just being sexually active at a young age puts her at an increased risk of getting the virus, her age is actually the risk factor, not the frequency of sex, or how many partners she has, that has absolutely no bearing. Condoms do not protect against this virus either.
Her best defense is to not have sex at all until she is about 21 or so, but there is also a vaccine that you can get (both of you) that can help, but it isn't a 100% protection either.
She has no obstacles of being in a relationship with you, she just doesn't want to commit to you right now and I can't say I blame her. She is young, very young.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not tell this girl I wanted to marry her or have kids, I am perfectly fine in a normal just plain relationship with this woman, she says "I don't know" to me simply asking if she really wants this relationship, not to marriage or kids, she isn't going to college far away, just about 10 minutes away 2 times a week, so in a nutshell, theres not much in her way of knowing alot, if a girl get's into a relationship with you, and later tells you when you say you hope you have a good future together that she "doesn't know" if she wants this relationship, then I offer to just be her friend and she replies the same answer, thats what confuses me.
Age is just a number, and we both are still young, and as far as the oral goes and STD's shes never had a sexual partner, I have had one, but I got tested for the girlfriend to be sure I was clean, which I was, some of the stuff is confusing, and if you get into a relationship, your head should be in it at least cause you said "yes" so it means you wanted it.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (17 August 2010):
I think you answered your Question! i would just be friends w/ her and see where that takes you? and sometimes even being friends and being around her can be difficult for you because you do care for her and she is so undecided! the only way you will know is to just bring it out in the open w/ her and be totally honest its only her who can really answer your question! and just tell her you love her and you don't want to be in a relationship if shes not ready because you don't want to be hurt! so you just need her to be trueful w/ you instead of saying ( i don't know) and also tell her it's ok for her to be honest w/ you that it is very important to you!! that your not trying to rush her or pressure her but you are starting to have strong feelings for her! feelings you can't help because it is so easy to fall inlove w/ her because of who she is and you do enjoy being around her so you just need to know because if shes not ready? like you said you don't want to get your heart broke. i don't think you have anything to worry about what to say and really don't need our advice! you sound like a wonderful caring guy! i think you are doing fine on your own!!!
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 August 2010):
 You are setting yourself up for a gamble here. Three possible outcomes:
1) She decides in the near future that she loves you and wants to be with you, not "see what's out there." This is obviously what you want, but unlikely unless you push for it.
2) She decides quickly that she wants to explore and not be tied down (read: not date you). This is somewhat more likely, and made worse because she might decide to explore without notifying you first.
3) She takes so long to decide that the indecision eats you up inside until you lash out and deliver an ultimatum, yell at her, or just dump her and move on. This is the most likely event, and probably the least pleasant for both of you.
Obviously, you can't make her decisions for you, but you can advise her and make your needs clear. Don't be manipulative, don't pressure her, just be honest. Treat her like a grown girl who can make intelligent decisions - once she knows your boundaries, she can choose to respect them or leave.
Respect yourself, and don't allow this to go on too long. It may be the best thing you can do for her and for yourself.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I think you should give her some time but not too much time. Let her know that waiting for her answer is hurting you and it would be helpful if she made up her mind about the two of you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
Dear, ur 23 most likely finished with college ur future is already rolling u know what u want..On the other hand, u have this girl who isnt ready for commitment, she's 18 and has a lot on her plate, school, work etc..plus deciding where she wants to go in life..plus losing her grandparents and her dad add basic life stress and emotional stress on top of that..quite a bit. The relationship works for her, she is absolutely into u, ur quite a catch and she knows that. But marriage isnt an option, or kids arent an option right now for her. In the future once she gets her life started and a lil more managed? Sure. U guys have only been together 5 months and ur discussing those topics a lil soon for her hence where the i dunno comes from. Although I do understand where ur coming, u want to let her know what ur looking to get out of this relationship. Bottom line, I think she's a lil young needs to live life some more..let her go keep it as friends..if she was ment to be urs she'll come back.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 August 2010):
She answered your question, but you didn't pay attention.She says she is young and wants to explore and not be tied down. She is 18, you are five long years ahead of her which is pretty huge at her age...Typically, 18 year old girls do not know what they want, they do not know who they are yet, and she is exploring her world, the world or boys and sex and dating and that's as far as she can go, she will typically change her mind about as often as she changes her underwear.I am much older than either of you, but I don't get the "oral" sex not being sex, it is the same as having actual sexual intercourse, fluids are exchanged and you both are at risk of STD's, particularly the HPV virus which can lead to oral, anal and cervical cancers...sorry to put a biology lesson in the middle of your romantic delima, but that should tell you something about this girl, she just doesn't get it. She might as well be having full on sex with you, sex is sex.I think you are on the road to this ending when she starts college if not before. I am sorry, I am sure she is lovely, cute and all that, but why don't you try dating a girl who is more appropriate for your age, I think you will have better success for an actual reciprccal full on relationship. This girl just isn't ready and won't be for some time, she's a baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): well maybe that just wasnt the right timing. Yea she is young and like me maybe she wants to wait til shes atleast 25 for anything....idk i skimmed thru the story..oops. but i hope i still helped. just dont pressure her. it might be a pain but when she wants something she'll tell u or give u signs..
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