A
female
age
41-50,
*oojoe
writes:Hello Agony Aunts and Uncles,I met a man at the end of last year. He was eight months separated from his wife, with divorce pending. He is a loving dad and misses spending every day with his children terribly. He did try and work things out with his ex wife (she cheated) but she laughed in his face when he suggested counseling. I am very aware that it takes two people to screw up a marriage and I am only ever hearing one side of the story.My dilemma is this. I have fallen in love with this man. He has told me that he has fallen for me faster and deeper than he has with anyone before and is very frightened by this. I give him all the space he wants. I never instigate contact and up until a few weeks ago, he would call me every day. I put no pressure on him to 'commit' but what I did ask for was we spend a bit of time together.I got upset about 6 weeks ago as we had made plans to see one another (he lives 120 miles away) and after evening phonecalls of 'I miss you', the day before the weekend we were due to see one another, he cancelled on me. I explained that it was not fair to mess my time around like this. It was a bank holiday weekend and I could have made other plans. He didn't really apologise for this behaviour. It is simple for me, I love him and want to spend time getting to know him and upsets me now we have been nearly 2 months without seeing one another. With everything going on in his life plus the hurt he has been through, I get that things are not so simple for him. I wrote him a letter telling him this and suggesting we go our separate ways for now as I have got myself very attached to him.He has been in touch via Facebook chat and a phonecall (which I missed) but has not acknowledged this letter. I do not know how to deal with a man who cannot talk about his feelings right now. I am trying to leave him be, but he doesn't want this left. I think about him every day. I have removed myself from Facebook so I am not hanging on there waiting to see if appears.He is a good man and I think he doesn't know his behaviour is somewhat obscure. Any advice about what I can try instead?Thanks
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female
reader, koojoe +, writes (15 June 2010):
koojoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to respond Jilly. I think I definitely have an 'emotionally unavailable' man on my hands. To answer your question, we met via an online dating site. We have both removed our profiles since meeting. Me, back in march, him last week, oddly, two days after receiving my letter. I know this because I snooped on there once before to see if he was still on there and he was.
I have been to his house several times and met his housemates. I know he is not with his wife anymore. He talks of wanting to meet his kids, his friends but there is no action. To be fair, the weekend I was invited to stay with him and hang out with his kids I said no - because we had only known one another for a matter of weeks and I didn't feel it was appropriate.
As for facebook friends, he has an even mix of guy friends and girl friends. There is never any open flirting on his page.
I would say 2,6,8,9,10 apply to our relationship on that list!
We did sit and have a face to face back in April whereby he admitted to being attentive but did not want to take crap from marriage into new relationship with me and he even mentioned wanting to provide a home for 'us' and for his kids plus if I wanted to have a baby 12 months from now, to be able to provide for that too. Which took me by surprise, to say the least.
I tried to send you my email address as would really appreciate that chapter. Not working, so will try and contact you again later. But wanted to say thanks in the meantime.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Koojoo,
This man is ' emotionally unavailable ' now whether it is because of his turmoil through his marriage breaking up is NOT conclusive. You say you met this man last year, where? Was it online, social networking, face book, Messenger, as he obviously likes such sites, and from all accounts spends time on them now hooking up with people/females.
My guess is you met him through social networking, as 120 miles apart would have needed some kind of bumping into each other to achieve. Firstly, you ONLY have his word as to why he broke up with his wife, IF indeed he has, how much do you know about this man, really know about him?
I do like to think I have some experience in this, as I'm a relationship counsellor, and have written a book on this very topic.
Clear signs to look out for the emotionally unavailable man, who will NOT engage with anyone beyond the initial chase OR until the female is hooked, confesses this, when his backing off and running away begins.
1. Start, Charming, plausible, makes the running, you feel number 1
2. Writes, calls,texts how he's never felt like this before, he can't believe what a connection you have.
3. Does everything that makes you feel this is the real thing - misses you, this could lead to something special
4. As soon as the woman offers her love as she now feels he's that into her, it's safe to do so, ( Biggest mistake) he starts to change, just little things, he doesn't call, text, email so often.
5. It will usually be a long distant relationship as this way he has more CONTROL over when and where or IF he sees you.
6. He runs hot and cold - just enough to keep your interest
7. When you blow HOT as in announcing feelings, he will run cold, as you're taking away his relationship tool, control.
8. You will not have met friends, family, co-workers
9. You will be let down at the last minute more than once
10. You will not take any weekend breaks away, holidays or spend more than 3-4 maximum together ever, as this constitute part of a commitment, normal dating, he risks getting involved emotionally.
There is an endless list, but this is just a few of the signs, IF NONE apply to you, then may be, he is just raw from his marriage, but the signs you speak of, really do describe a man who is not ready for any kind of relationship, and FEW are until at least 2-3 years have passed from a divorce. Sitting him down and telling him you love him, if I'm right, will only make things worse for you, as if he's really unavailable, whether through being so utterly emotionally damaged from the marriage, or he's a TOXIC DATER, meaning this is a pattern he goes though, it will make him feel out of control, and he likes to control the pace of things.
Another question, on facebook can you see his networking friends...are they mostly if not ALL females?
My heart goes out to you, as I too have been there, even counsellors are human and get sucked in, fall in love, it's part of being human. If you would like me to send you the chapter from my book on Mr. Unavailable, I would be happy to do so. If you go to my column page there is an email address where you can contact me.
It is such an awful place to be - I really hope you come through this soon!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, koojoe +, writes (15 June 2010):
koojoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anon. Very wise advice and I appreciate it. I am not sure when we will next see each other and that is why I sent the letter. It was the first time I had admitted to loving him. I would rather have a face to face with him but, like you say, I consider his feelings probably a little too much and therefore feel reluctant to push him into a corner.
I feel better after removing myself from Facebook and not checking in there to see if he is around and what he is up to! Aaarrrgh - demon social networking! I concentrate on my work now during the day and am studying for a degree in the evening.
I am lucky insofar as I have wonderful family and friends so I get a lot of love and distractions.
I don't want to give up on he and I. But I know I can't MAKE him love me as I do him.
Thanks again and I will update you if any news.
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): hey,
after being in a similar situation to this i can at least say i kind of get what you're going through.
the problem with a situation like this is until he manages to come to terms with his feelings and establish what he wants after going through such a rough time, it's impossible to have any kind of functional relationship with this man.
i think the best thing you can do, considering his current state of mind and the long distance between you both, is arrange a meeting, sit down and have a proper face to face conversation with him.
tell him you understand that his mind is mixed up right now but, after considering his feelings for so long, you now need him to consider yours. make it clear to him that you love him a lot and would like to have a proper relationship, but that however painful it is he needs to decide whether he's ready to move on or if the thought of beginning a new chapter in his life, away from his children and their mother, is too unbearable right now.
if you do get a negative answer, it will hurt a lot. but at least then you will know where you stand and be able to atleast begin moving on.
hopefully this has helped a little, take care and let me know how you get on if you can.
x
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