A
female
age
51-59,
*occermom
writes:I'm so not a computer person, and I've probably only been on one other chat room in my life, I'm so lost - everthing is just such a mess. I've been tech married for 18 yrs. my husb is bipolar depressive and well maintained on meds - but has also been sober for 22 yrs. so lots of baggage... blah , blah, I'm from ohio, moved to cali when i grad from college 20 yrs ago. back to the problem... in all the yrs we have been together, he has had an affair (s?) and we have separated 3 times -the last time almost 4 yrs - in that time he found God - which his family was very dysfunctional so that was never in the pic as a child for him. I'm the opposite - ohio, strict catholic upbringing, parents still married, but the other end of dysfunction....nobody talked about anything - so my enlightened views have not always been well accepted.... My husb and i have been back together for about 3+ yrs, I have such a hard time letting him back into my heart - he thinks because he is really attempting to be what a husb should be that should be enough, I know I have sooo many resentments - and rightfully so - and yes counseling has been brought up lots. I love him as my best friend, but I'm such an intense person ( I'm a therapist that works with young autistic kiddos)I feel so torn , plus - a big thing! 20 yrs of being a therapist, and at times a single mom, with a mortgage and 2 wonderful boys, I have ruined my back - and I've the been the bread winner - so just not poss to quit and take care of myself - my current boss who has been a friend also for about 6 yrs is being a complete bitch, so I'm in the process of changing jobs- and every day is like going to hell - I only do it for my kiddos, that i love! i've been put on this earth to work with lil autistic/ sensory kiddos!Well my husb's mom who through the yrs has been nutty and recently much better is making issues out of conversations she has had with my 10 y/o. Now s'posedly he doesn't like soccer and only does it cuz it makes me happy - (but last week it was the best thing in the world!) - his whole family, mom incl'd, have no parenting skills, and anything and everything has to be an issue or dysfunctional. I'm so depressed with absolutly everything at once, and I am always in pain - I'm finding it hard to keep it together, I have to work, in pain, now I'm a bad mother, and I just fight with my husb. This is so not me, I'm the funny, crazy, red head thats always happy......and I just don't know if staying with my husb is the right thing to do? We have 2 boys, 16 and 10 both play club soccer - so that adds to the crazy life, but I will do anything for my kids. My husb and I came from different worlds and I just dont know if it will ever work, and all the added stress has taken me to the edge. Does anybody know what it's like to not have any light at the end of the tunnel?
View related questions:
affair, best friend, chat room, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): You have a huge amount on your plate, so it's perfectly understandable for you to feel overwhelmed. Give yourself a few minutes to take a deep breath, and give yourself a pat on the back for keeping yourself and your family together for so long with such obstacles.
The work you do is incredibly demanding -- autistic kids can be tremendously draining. Very few people can work with them effectively -- that you have for 20 years says that you're very special, and must have tremendous empathy. That empathy, though, can make it doubly hard to deal with your husband's issues.
When your perspective is shaken, it's hard to separate out the small stuff from the important things. IMHO, your mother-in-law just now is part of the small stuff. If she can't be helpful she should keep her opinions to herself. You know she's disfunctional, so ignore her.
It really sounds like you need a break, some time to recharge your batteries. If you're changing jobs, maybe you can arrange to take even a few days in between and give yourself some much-deserved down time. Do you have a close friend you could go away with? Someone to whom you can vent? It might just do you a world of good.
You know that right now you're not yourself. That's good -- you know that you're not where and how you need to be. And you know what "how you need to be" looks like, so you can find your way back. Once you've caught your breath, once you're centred again, then you can tackle the big important issues like your marriage.
I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (28 June 2009):
Leaving a comfort zone you've lived in for 18 years will be difficult. There is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's just very dim, you have to break down barriers before you can see it clearly. The hardest part about all of it is change. Changing yourself, your life. First of all if everything you do is for your kids and thats the truth, then you're not a bad mother. Dont let anyones opinions lower your self-worth. Believe you can better your life, after you believe it for a while, you will stop "believing" and you will know. When you KNOW happiness is possible for you then your problems dont overwhelm you as much because you KNOW you will work thru them. I am young, but I do know what I'm talking about. I am in a transistion as we speak, recently out of a 6.5 yr abusive relationship. This I've told you is what I've learned thus far. It may sound cheesy but u have to believe in urself- that you can do it. There is always hope, as long as you believe there is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Well, my dear. Can I promise you a happy ever after with beautiful sunsets, white horses and rainbows, no. But, from what I just read, you are that woman people look up to. You appear to be the flashlight leading to the end of the tunnel. There may perhaps be no light at the end, but mereley lights leading to the end. and in between each light is a gap of darkness.. I think this man in your life needs to go. You gave the second chanceand it was returned with fighting. You of all woman do not deserve that. Do you love your kids? Do you want whats best for them? I think you do. Your not a bad mother, do not tell yourself that. Iv heard a saying get passed around.. life is what you make it. go for a vacation day; find your inner peace. life is not going anywhere, and your your own person. you have the right to take a breather and step back and have you time. make it peacefull, and happy.Something inside me yells beauty. You strive to please the world, which is broken, and sad. You strive to cretae happiness, but it has never come. Your surrounded by problems of strangers, your children, your friend/partner and his family.. You will not find your peace in the eye of the tornado. You get caught in its mess. On a final note; pray, meditate, find peace, find harmony, find silence, and you find yourself. You are just as important to help as the people you have helped.
...............................
|
