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female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:Does an abusive man change? I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years who was emotionally, verbally, financially, sexually (and in the end) physically abusive. I have been away from him for months now and moved back home with my parents to heal after I gave up the condo with him. He blamed me for the end of us, though, even though I only left cause he was like this.Now, he started going on dates with a friend of a friend (I found out cause my friend warned me) and since I've been away for so long, I started missing him again. Hearing this hurt, since I know the beginning was good, but do you think he will treat her like a princess or change for her if he REALLY likes her? I'm only asking cause I've been spiraling backwards after hearing this and I need to know the truth to move forward Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 November 2012):
NO ONE ever changes who they are. They can fake it for a time at the expense of great effort and energy, but at some point this becomes too much and they revert back to who they are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Listen everyone on this page is telling the truth you left now stay out men like this don't ever change .I call these type of men two faced because you never know the other half til you see the other side.Live your life you deserve it .We all make mistakes because we are human if you knew he was like this I am quite sure you would have left him alone so don't think hard on yourself you fell down now it's time to get up and live again .i know I been there the shackles are off now I can dance.YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF!
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reader, person12345 +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Don't move backward, move forward. Abusive men do not change. Abusive relationships tend to be much harder to move away from than non-abusive ones, but you have to do your best. The hardest part is over, the relationship ended and you got out. You got support from your family. You did everything right. Now it's time to move on with your life and try to make him as little a part of your life as you possibly can.
I think you should talk to a counselor to work through the aftermath of this relationship, why it is that you want to go back, and deal with the things that were hard to deal with while they were happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): I have to disagree with the others. Abusive men do not change. This isn't a drug, this isn't a temporary mental state it's a personality trait, it's the core of their being want to control and abuse people. The never change, the pretend to change, they may hide it better and leave less marks but they always have that putrid side to them. They quite simply never get rid the idea that they're a god and the word is against them.
Bubblygirl a few things strike me about your post. First off a friend warning you is the wrong way around don't you think? Did you not tell everyone what he's like and what he did? I would have made sure everyone knew so he wouldn't get another victim. I mean it's not your fault if there are idiots who don't believe you but you could at least give women the heads up so they don't suffer like you did.
It also sounds to me like you're 100% still stuck in a victims mindset. You seem like you're trying to protect him still. You still have this misguided notion that abusers change in your mind, one of the very things that allowed you to stay so long and be abused and it still eats you up that Mr. Perfect-For-a-Year may actually be the real him and he was just going through a hard time or some shit, and you could have made it. No offence bubblygirl but that's idiotic because everything good about this guy that you loved was all a lie, the real him was the abuser. That nice guy was who he pretended to be to snare you and he was probably the nicest guy you'd ever met at that time.
Secondly you have the victims self blame crap going on still, otherwise you wouldn't for a second think somehow she'll get the nice him. You still think that you're the reason he was like that. Bubblygirl both mindsets are very dangerous for you, they make you weak to him and leave you exposed to having it happen again. You really need to go get some counselling and destroy this mindset you have.
He spent years breaking you down, emotionally, mentally and physically to deeply ingrain this mentality into you and you need to understand Bubblygirl that you cannot live your life with that kind of mindset. You should not have any part of you that misses him, not one part of that feels jealous or depressed because you don't have him, the fact you do means your head is fucked and you need to fix it.
Can you not see how your way of thinking is completely askew? I mean think logically for a minute, what part of missing and loving a guy who treated you so horribly makes any logical sense to you? Is that the kind of love you grew up dreaming about having? When you played with dolls was Ken a sadistic rapist bastard who slowly wore down Barbie until she was in a corner quivering and crying her eyes out? When you were little did you the dream of your perfect wedding to include finding concealer that would hide a black eye and being scared all day that he may be in "one of his moods" and you were going to pay for anything you said wrong later that night when you got alone? No, because it's not love you feel for him because that's not love, it's a dependency he built up by tearing down your self-worth to the point where you believed you were the lucky one to have him and you're nothing without him.
You can't live your life this way and with this kind of mindset you need to go get help. Or you'll just be exposed to guys like him again, not only exposed to them but you'll actively seek out guys to fill the gap he left behind and suffer the same shit again. With this kind of dependent mindset good guys will be too boring for you, they won't have that dramatic edge, that mean/sweet drug that you so yearn for.
I mean come on, you're jealous when really you should be fearful for this girl, you should feel sorry for her because she's going to go from a happy, loving woman into a broken mess once he's finished with her. How can you be jealous when you know what she's going to face, you're still dealing with that pain, she has all of this to go through and maybe even worse OP. Abusers can take one step further and enact the most common reason that women are murdered, an abusive partner.
Go to your local women's shelter and ask for some counselling, go to some group sessions. You need to forget about him and heal your broken mind Bubblygirl.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago and i believe that they cant, people like him are moulded into what they are and they believe that their way of thinking is right
his obsession has moved from you to another girl and right now you will feel heart broken but over time youll realise how lucky are to get out of an abusive relationship like that, you should feel proud because it is soooo hard to leave an abusive relationship, women and men stay for years and the longer you stay the more difficult it is to leave
honestly, he will treat that girl exactly the same because thats the way he is to everyone, hes an abusive person and this girl is just another victim, be strong dont go back
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 November 2012):
Hi bubblygirl,
Listen to Karlos5021, he's so right. People don't change unless they recognize their responsibility and want to change.
Maybe it will look like he's changed for the new girl in the beginning, because it seems that in the beginning he's always a great guy. That's because he knows he doesn't have her for granted yet and is making an effort. His standard operation mode will always be abusive though and after some time he will go back to that. Stop torturing yourself by asking yourself if he could be someone else for someone else or if you have to save anyone. Just save yourself and take care of your broken heart. If you really feel you need to warn the new girl, don't do it yourself, but maybe let your friend tell this girl that she heard some bad things about his past relationships or something.
But you know, I've had big troubles with a guy. His ex, who I really like, HAD warned me. She said, "if I was you, I'd think twice about starting something with him. He has really big issues. I mean, really big. He texted me all the time and annoyed me, as he has done with his ex. He was obsessed about her for seven years even though they'd only been together for some months." But I was dancing on clouds and thinking I could heal him. And was dealing with his back-and-forth I love you-I hate you messages for almost a year after we stopped seeing each other.
I just want to say, warning someone is not always going to work, because women in love tend to think the world works like a fairy tale where in the end you can take a frog and by your kiss turn him into a prince.
In reality, a frog is a frog is a frog..
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2012):
No, he hasn't changed. I'm sure that sadly, even as I write this, he'll be working on to control this new woman too. You won't see anything happen to this girl, and she'll probably not say, but when he gets then chance to starts treating her badly, he'll do it.
I think I agree with the post below, that you need to see someone to talk about all this, because it's not healthy that you're missing a man who treated you so appallingly. You absolutely must move forward from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): Of course he's going to blame you for the break up because he's not man enough to admit that it was HIS fault, and if he still maintains that view to this day, then he's STILL not man enough to take responsibility for the error of his ways, hence it probably won't be long before this other woman gets the same treatment.
Personally I have two opinions really on this subject and I've actually been in a couple of relationships with abusive women (Yes women).
Firstly, like anyone with a problem, the person has to be responsible enough to admit they have a problem in order to really realise they need to change. Also, the person must WANT to change the way they are in order to seriously take the steps to do so. Anyone can actually apologise after attacking or abusing someone and saying it will never happen again, but in reality, that's NOT going to solve the problem, that's just words spoken through guilt and regret.
Secondly, being abusive is a problem, but who for really, the abuser themselves or the person being abused? This sort of problem isn't a life threatening issue (for the abuser) like alcoholism or drug abuse, its more a part of a persons personality, and in my opinion, its quite hard or impossible to change something that is built into a persons Genes, or something they picked up/learnt from an early age (Maybe witnessing his father being abusive to his mother etc) if they're so used to being that way and can't see it for themselves (by the way I'm NOT making any excuses for him, I hate abusive people!)
I know YOU are aware of his abusive potential, but I guess on the other end of the spectrum you are his ex and so if you attempt to interfere in any way, shape or form (Warning the new woman), this will just be viewed as you being the "jealous ex who can't let go and move on". IF this guy does abuse this woman too, only then will she see him for what he really is and make the decision whether to leave him or put up with it.
If I was you though, I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I was able to walk away when I did, because not all abusive relationships end that way as I'm sure you're aware of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): "Does an abusive man change?"No, he just seeks out new women to abuse when his most recent victim manages to escape from his clutches. "do you think he will treat her like a princess or change for her if he REALLY likes her?"He will treat her like a princess in order to lure her in by playing to her ego and vanity (just as he did with you); once he has her under his emotional control he will inevitably become emotionally, verbally, financially, sexually (and in the end) physically abusive (just as he did with you)."I'm only asking cause I've been spiraling backwards after hearing this and I need to know the truth to move forward."Abusive men don't change, they just go on serially abusing women. Abused women can't change on their own, without therapy they tend to they spiral backwards because in the absence of the abuser, their memories of the initial ego stroking and vanity fluffing, insincere compliments and false promises seemingly overshadowing the memories of emotional, verbal, financial, sexual and physical abuse for which the abuser ultimately blamed the abused. When an abusive ex-boyfriend starts dating another women, many needy, clingy chicks can't stand the idea of being considered second best to any other woman, and when he shows interest in another female he's suddenly Prince Charming and new girlfriend is a mantrap stealing him out from under old girlfriend's nose, no matter how big a scumbag he is, always was, and always will be. Likely truth is ex is drawn to friend of a friend because she's even needier and clingier than you are, and therefore that much easier to exploit and abuse. I suggest you seek counselling, your apparent jealousy suggest to me that you are again letting your ego and vanity override your brains and backbone, and you are in effect letting ex once again exploit your lack of self-respect and self-esteem by making you question why new chick might be good enough to make him possible "change" for her when he wouldn't for you. You need a neutral third-party and trained professional to provide the help, support, information and knowledge to understand the motivations and forces that drove your behavior leading you into an abusive relationship, otherwise you will remain just as vulnerable and exploitable to the next charming, manipulative, controlling and ultimately abusive con artist who comes along.
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