A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dumped him a month ago and I have been doing okay ...I actually thought I had it easy this time ...until this week when it seems his haunting my thoughts every second ...Does a heart break months after the relationship has ended? ... I dumped him because he is a chronic liar and user ..so I am very sure his not good for me anymore .but yet when I though I had gotten away unscathed..it seems this one has a hold on me in ways I don’t know how to control with my mind..is this normal ? Note : He has called asking for forgiveness but ofcos the action are not there..anyway someone help me to tell me how I should stop feeling like yuck a month after break up and yet I have been doing perfectly fine prior... How do people do it ?
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female
reader, MSA  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Sometimes, feelings need time to sink in. You thought you were tough and strong and didn't feel anything during the fist few weeks.. then you begin to miss him and feel lonely and miss things you used to do together. It's perfectly normal. Now is the true test of endurance! Can you hold on to this break up? If you can, let a few months pass and your heart will heal.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2019):
 Since you still keep in contact with him, you OFFER him a an open doorway.
So BLOCK him and have no more contact with him. He isn't going to change who he is. And you know that. No one changes overnight or in a month.
While you KNOW he is bad for you, he also made you feel good in some instances. Your brain is missing those good times and forgetting the bad ones.
When you first dumped him you felt empowered to say NO MORE! And now that you are single, you miss certain elements. It's pretty natural.
What YOU were hoping for was to just walk away from the guy and relationship and not feel bad or miss him. But the thing is YOU are a human being, you have feelings. You wouldn't have dated him in the first place if you didn't give a hoot about him, right? So it will take some time to DETACH yourself from him. It WILL get easier over time, especially if you BLOCK him and have absolutely NO contact with him.
And EVERY TIME you miss something you did with him, REMEMBER one or two BAD things he did. Sooner or later you won't focus on HIM so much any more.
Also, GO do things with family and friend. Don't discus him with others, it's pointless, it's over. But do things that "sparks joy" :) and has NOTHING to do with him.
Accept that a break up is never instant or easy. It is what it is. A BREAK UP.
Keep moving forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Yes, it's a delayed-reaction! When you cognitively come to terms with the fact that it's over. You'll start to second-guess yourself; and then you'll ruminate over the past, when times were good. In spite of the reasons you broke-up; you'll miss the hell out of him.
The stubborn-heart only wants to remember the good-times; so it wrestles and tussles with your common-sense, which is trying to tell you to move on.
Read your post to yourself aloud. Especially this part:
"... I dumped him because he is a chronic liar and user ..so I am very sure his not good for me anymore."
Common-sense and logic (aka the conscious-mind) says you did the right thing. Now you've got to reconcile the subconscious-mined with current-events. It takes a little time for the subconscious-mind to grasp the reality that the relationship went bad; and you were forced to leave to preserve it. So you wouldn't go nuts. It's still stuck in the past when things were good; and you were getting a full-dose of dopamine to make you feel good. Now it has to catch up; and the heart will keep you all conflicted. You'll keep reminding yourself how you love him.
Love has to be justified and validated; not poured down an empty well. Liars only care about themselves. They don't worry much about the consequences of what they say or do. They figure a good lie will get them out of anything. How can you build the trust needed to nurture that love you think you have? All you've got going for you are hope and suspicion. You hope he's good, but suspect otherwise.
Loneliness will creep-in and start whispering lies to you. "He wasn't so bad!"..."Maybe I was too hasty!"..."I could have given him another chance to change!" Loneliness is the devil in one of his disguises; and the devil is a liar! You can't change a liar; they just get more creative, or will take advantage of your desperation. When they know you're too hooked to let-go; they'll just be more clever and tell better lies. They'll hide the evidence better.
Stay busy. Reconnect with friends and family. Fill the void with self-improvement projects. Rearrange or redecorate the house to change the atmosphere around you. Spoil yourself with things you like; but keep that on the healthy side! Don't binge-eat, drunk-text, or abuse drugs. Throw yourself into work to improve your productivity. Get your mind off self-pity.
Avoid all contact. Block calls, delete messages, don't stalk social media, avoid mutual-friends, don't listen to gossip from nosy intrusive-friends, and behave like a grown-woman. You're not a child. You can process pain, and you can recover from it. I'm sure it's not the first breakup. Even if it is, you'll recover faster if you control your impulses and reach deep inside for strength to go on.
You're going to relapse from time to time, feel numb, or your guts will twist in a knot. Be strong, and keep looking forward. DON'T LOOK BACK!
My dear, I've been there. I got dumped; but went through all the same symptoms. I'm here to testify; I got over him, got a new boyfriend 100x better; and I'm here to tell everyone going through it they'll be okay! It's the truth!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): In my experience a month isn't long enough to get over a relationship, even a bad one. How long it takes partly depends on how long you were in that relationship.
My last break up took several months before I felt I was mostly over him. You can expect to have different emotions that alternate from anger to sadness to feeling as if it's getting better and then back to feeling down again.
It does take time but it will get better. In the meantime, try to keep busy doing all the things you would normally do. It helps.
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