A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I'm trying to weigh up if my relationship has a future. I'm struggling to sound it up.We have been together for just over 2 years, we did break up for 3 months. we gave it a second go, he broke my trust, he made a lot of personal changes, I gave it a go, and for 5 months anxiety was my best friend! I hated these new characteristics in me, but I kept telling myself keep going, this is expected and it will get better, and with his support, I was always honest about my anxious feelings, we went through some more major adaptations together. And since those we have progressing towards a much smoother ride. However the regular anxiety has gone, but if something doesnt feel right, or he has a very late night out, I do start to panic again. I will contact him and ask how he is or something, and he always rings me back if I do. (on his own accord - I don't ask)But still it annoys me that I probably come across as keeping tabs on him, I wish I could be relaxed all the time, there is no reason why I wouldn't be, had he not broke my trust the first time. Not quite full on cheating, but danced around boundaries.I feel he had undermined me to one friendship group he has cut off, they believed I was controlling him and he is in a toxic relationship. at the time I'd said, I can't handle who you are, with these friends, i want us to break up, as they were the main reason we broke up first time. He said he will end the friendship with them. He did. So we continued with us, and I didn't expect us to last, but since that episode, it got easier. So now I am here.It's not quite perfect with trust as I say. He is very attentive, and will always try his best to see to my needs, he listens and talks through anything, we have learnt to discuss the bad stuff very well together.Leaving us to enjoy some better times. He says he wants us to move in together next year. But here lies another problem, he isnt sure marriage is the best thing ever, and he isn't sure if children are for him or not yet. He wants to be financially stable before he decides he says.Which is fair, but we are 29, hes not 100% sure marriage and family are his thing, but he does want to move in with me, he sees moving in as a commitment venture, and says because he wants us to be together long into the future.I am yet to tell him, I find it hard to want to move in with someone when we are unsure if future goals together align, ie. marriage/children. I would like to try for a family, when the time is right also. But I've really only got 5 years to start a family! We are quite sensitive towards eachother, and I'm not sure why, (we are just back from 3 week holiday together) I'll say 'oww I won't see you now for 1 night' as we wake up in the morning for work; he responds ' well its just one night to friday !!' which in the moment sounded like (jees get over it - its one night) so i said - 'well if its too soon we can always wait til the following friday ;-)' then he said that hurts him that I would offer waiting a week to see him, and he meant its only 1 night to the weekend and we have 3 nights together. That could easily have been a joke both ways, but we both got sensitive and both took the hurtful way of viewing the conversation.We still tiptoe around each others sensitivity it seems. But if there is a problem, we both nail it together, whatever the hurdle is, whether between us, or sorting out travel plans or whatever. we can be a great team.I worry I have also been portrayed as 'the control freak' around his other friends. Who have also played a part in relationship problems, (seriously his social groups have been an absolute pain; self absorbed, selfish, high maintenance) and this is what I witnessed in boyfriend first time around; he also during his introspection realised this himself and told me this himself and admits his friends are still selfish and will hopefully mature one day, he appreciates its hard for me, but not to judge him by his friends) I always feel between a rock and a hard place, but always find the light, reach the light, but never feel quite there, and try to 'better' myself to reach this light.I don't know if this make much sense to anyone? we have similar traits with money, handling problems, work ethics, being financially secure etc, sex life, we try new hobbies together, and love travelling and eating out/cooking together.Some ideas might help, from your relationship experiences?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): Thank so much for the two responses, both resonate with me. I think if I accept that he does care deeply for me, but might just not be the one, it makes me view it in a different light to: hes just stringing me along til he finds someone better. And in my anxious moments, I worry hes secretly meeting old female friends he cut off, or work people. (Both are where he pushed boundaries previously) I don't want my man to be out drinking and having a constant worry that if he isn't home at sensible time hes going to get it. But as I say, he sternly tells me that these are thoughts in my head, and its not fair I project them onto him.I don't know how else to make these thoughts go away - its in my gut! hence me being confused and writing on here for help and some insight! :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): Thank you, Yes my boyfriend was a bit of a party animal, albeit, yes quiet with stelly determination. and I stupidly thought in the first year, that its clear albeit fun, I am a committed relationship type of girl, not a easy going fling person. He was treating me like a fling. So I dumped his ass in frustration one morning and left. 3 months later, he came back after some deep introspection. And gave me a convincing story, He said he was stuck in a rut wasting his life, and was scared to jump into a boat with another girl since his heart got broken after his first and only real relationship 6 years prior! It was obviously a lot more detailed. I took some time to think. I was so blown away by it. I did find him to be an interesting intellectual person, and I guess I could see the great traits in him, if he just polished them up a bit....I gave it a go with slight trepidation, and it was still very hard because now he'd treated me in such a way, I've had to forgive and forget, its so hard to forget about he once treated you. and also with the boundary dancing causing trust issues. I'm not sure how it would have been if he would have treated me the first time like he is now.But the fact he isnt 100% sure he wants marriage and children niggles at me. With the keeping tabs things,the ones that come purely from me starting to get anxious, I really HATE that, its got a lot better and hardly ever happens, however he doesnt go out late so often without me now. But when it comes to family, will it happen again, and I dont want to be looking after children while im worrying daddy is 'out' that scares the sh*t out of me, being in that whole.I've said this to him, he says well just give it time and let me prove it to you. But I worry he's not being himself while proving to me he is trustworthy. But he will argue that he is and to let the past go. Seriously I do talk to him about sensibilities, and he just says look if you want to break up then do it, but I don't think you've given us enough chance. Very sternly.The determination confuses me!! To me it sounds like a contradiction. but is that only because I saw the first him, and not the second new and matured improved him. Or is it because of his determination to make it work, for the sake of stubborness and scared of change, or because he loves me?I do love him, and have fought tooth and nail to make it work too, i just have doubts about a happy future. I'm sure we can have a future, would it be settling? or if we both say we love eachother, we do the right thing to make it work?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I have to post again, I have to explain where I found that book I referenced.
A male friend, a co-worker, wound up in a relationship with a woman who sounds a lot like you, and your man sounds a lot like my friend.
They were roommates in a group house in their mid 20s and wound up dating. He was/is a laid back guy but with a strong work ethic and a steely, quiet determination. At the time, he was a real party guy, lots of friends, parties, hanging out, a really fun guy to spend time with. There was always something happening at the house because of him, call him Carl.
When Carl and Liane started dating, it did shift the balance in the house and in the extended circle of friends. Liane was a very social person too, she would meet people, and within 5 minutes know just about their entire life story. She had the added bonus of actually remembering it, months or years later, she really paid attention.
Anyway, they were both social people but Liane had a life-plan into which she had decided Carl would be her mate. It was very obvious to us all, and Carl seemed happy enough to be her boyfriend.
The problem came when Liane decided it was time to take the next steps and get engaged and start the formal life together. Carl wasn't so keen and he later confessed to me that he would wake up every morning with a black pit of unhappiness in his stomach, because he did love and care for Liane, he just didn't want to get married to her….
Long story short, she basically browbeat him into the most unromantic proposal ever, he produced a ring but would not produce a wedding date. Liane gets more and more impatient (remember they are living in the same house) and finally decides that she needs to move out and they go to couples counseling. The counselor makes them read the book. Carl calls it the book that saved his life, Liane called it the book that ended the relationship.
But what it crystallized for them, so very clearly, was that while Carl was very fond of Liane and cared deeply for her, he did not want to marry her. She was too bossy and too controlling and would have tried to run his life. He needed another laid back woman, like him.
Carl and Liane individually were lovely wonderful people. As a couple, they were a disaster.
Sometimes, people can form strong bonds and love deeply without being able to live an entire life together.
I have no way of knowing if your guy is like Carl.
But you do. You can deal with the rockiness and upset with some couples counseling and maybe it will resolve into a breakup. It may resolve into your Carl deciding that he can't live without you.
You've tiptoed around it long enough. Time to take some action. Read that book. Get counseling. Be brave.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 December 2013):
It doesn't really matter what we think about your future chances, does it? It matters what HE thinks about your future chances and marriage and children.
My first thought on reading your question is that his answer to the question of having children-- "But here lies another problem, he isnt sure marriage is the best thing ever, and he isn't sure if children are for him or not yet. He wants to be financially stable before he decides he says." --is B.S. He knows he doesn't want to get married.
Look, marriage is not the best thing ever (I believe chocolate and red wine tie for that) but just because it's not a perfect thing doesn't make it unimportant or special. He should know by now if he wants children or not. The fact that he doesn't know, means he doesn't want them.
As for being financially stable, well, who is, in these economic times?
Moving in together is a trap, if you haven't decided on these important questions before you make that step. It's a trap for you because it keeps you off the market for more compatible men and will financially entangle you.
Do NOT move in with this man until you are both on the same page about marriage and children.
I know you are similar on a lot of important aspects in life but for you, not the two most important decisions you will ever make: marriage? kids?
You haven't been together that long, you broke up because of trust issues and his besties are all man-children.
Now, he may be reluctant to commit because of the short time and the breakup and the control issues and the trust issues. That's fine. But then he should not be pushing to move in together, that's just wasting your time, honestly. If he doesn't want kids, well then he can postpone and blame financial issues and yet there you are, probably the main housekeeper and acting as 'mom' keeping him clothed and fed while he enjoys playtime with his friends who also don't want the boring grown up stuff of life…. like marriage and kids and commitments.
So you have to woman up and tell him that you aren't ready to move in until major questions are settled and you have to decide what the deal-breakers are for you. Be brave.
I like the book "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD as being a good guide through the lack of commitment problems. It may help you.
So woman up. Be brave. Speak your truth and listen to his.
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