A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been friends with a man for almost 9 years now. When we met, each of us was married with two kids. Obviously we were married to other people.I left my husband in 2002 due to an alcohol addiction. Throughout this time, "Greg" was my biggest supporter. I had become friends with his wife first, and at some point had realized that neither of them was happy in their marriage. Actually, she had been cheating on him with various men for years. There was "the moment" that Greg and I hooked up. I just asked him if he was happy, and he told me no. And then we just held hands. We were together for 3 1/2 years. He left his wife last summer. Due to the circumstances, I just could not trust his feelings for me. I grew clingy. Extremely controlling. Sad. Angry. It was an impossible situation for me. For I stayed "close" with his wife to help with his children. She was bipolar.He "took a break" on Christmas day. Long story, but basically I called him and became furious when he had not played things out the way I wanted him to with his ex.He is seeing someone new. We talk daily. I have started dating off and on. The first night I actually made out with a man, Greg and I ended up making out the next day. He told me he could see the old me coming back out. Independent. Fun. Funny. Everything that had attracted him to me in the first place.BUT he is still with new lover. He tells me repeatedly she means nothing to him. That he is having a good time, and he will leave her when he is done. I KNOW for a fact that she is in love with him. And is 13 years his senior. HOW do I get him back? Is it possible that he still has feelings for me? He tells me that I drive him crazy, yet he has not cut off the relationship. I believe that he still loves me, but is scared to fall back into the same rut we were in. Please. I want him back. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 You were very right in feeling insecure about his feelings for you. He stayed married to someone who had been cheating on him for years, and, at the same time, was having a relationship with you. I understand that he might have needed time to figure out whether you were serious with him, but, he had a very long time to know that. I would have expected him to come to you after leaving his wife, but he didn't. He was giving you reasons to become clingy, controlling, sad and angry, and I can't blame you for that.
The fact that he did things with his wife in a way you didn't expect does not mean he did a wrong thing, but it does mean that you and him do not have the same view on the wife and he kept his real intentions hidden.
Christmas was like 8 months ago. You don't mention what happened since that time between him and you, but, obviously there must have been a relationship. All the while, he found someone new. Again, he has his own objectives and is going after them.
And then, he is with a woman he doesn't love, while HE DOES KNOW that the lady loves him. What does it mean to leave someone "when you're done"? When you're done using her?
He knows he is breaking the heart of TWO women, and he doesn't seem to care.
All this is very bad news for you. I don't think he is coming back to you, no matter what you do. I think it is best if you accept it so. Go back to your old self, but, for your own sake: because you are a great person and you don't have to be in pain all the time.
The fact that you became clingy, controlling, et cetera, is proof that he did not make you happy at all. You don't need that.
I say, stay away from him. At least for as long as he has that other lady. Spare yourself all that trouble.
I would also recommend you not to get involved with anyone else at the moment. You're just not over him, and you'll end up hurting an innocent person.
My heart is with you.
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