A
male
age
30-35,
*ndy00
writes:Hi all, this is just something that bothered me while my girlfriend and I were together, and kind of still does. (Very quickly: We were together for 2 years, separated by 200+ miles, broke up 3 weeks ago)Anyway, we'd be on the phone sometimes, and she'd say something nasty to me, usually as a joke, and that never bothered me. What did, and still does, bother me is that sometimes I would follow up by saying something like "You know, it wouldn't hurt you to say something nice to me sometimes.." or "You could say that I'm.. I dunno.. Great to be with or something instead of that" And do you know what she would sometimes say "I'm sorry, I'm just not that way inclined. I can't just suddenly say something like that, that's not what I'm like"What is the deal with that?? Surely it IS perfectly possible (and sometimes, just in good nature) to say something like that to somone who you supposedly love.I for one find it easy to just say "God, your just lovely" or something without feeling like I'm betraying myself, or, whatever the hell problem she had.I don't know what was going on in her head, but does anybody else think like that? That you just just spontaniously say something nice to the person you're in love with? Please tell me that I am not going completely bonkers here!! Because I just don't understand what she was playing at!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Of course she could of. Shes just not a very nice person, and people like that, dont. Its choice. You really are lucky to be rid mate, find somebody who will treat you with the respect that she never did. Take care xxxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I think you're lucky to be shot of her. I tell my partner that I love her every day, and she responds most of the time in the same fashion. She usually qualifies the comment by saying that I'm a pain in the arse at times, but then, so is she! Mutual respect is what's required, and you clearly weren't getting that!
Phil
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (20 July 2007):
I think she probably has big problems with opening up to people. Some of my family are a bit like your girlfriend. They say nasty things without really mmeaning it - as a joke. This sounds weird, but it's very difficult to explain. I think it's a kind of defense machanism. I know that they all love each other, but they would die rather than say it. My mum wasn't like that and my aunt and I aren't either, but my dad and brother, and cousins are. It does become very annoying after a while and I couldn't be married to someone like it. I think you are better off without her however much you cared for her. First loves are the hardest to get over, no doubt about it. But you will, we all did.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (19 July 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question All good stuff, you guys. Just wanted to say thank-you, imparticuarly to LISAG. What you said was very kind, and it's nice to be able to relate to you in that way.
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A
male
reader, Jonty +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Eyes wide open has said it all there Andy. P.S. Check your mail I have sent you another war and peace essay. lol!
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A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (19 July 2007):
 I feel and am exactly like you are saying ! I love giving people compliments of the top of my head!
It is PERFECTLY POSSIBLE and going on all the time !
I remember the lovely compliments I have had in my time - they stay with you forever ! There is nothing kinder, braver and loving to give someone a great well deserved compliment.
Us English are typically very conservative and give back handed compliments, but as I said a true compliment can give another person sooo much - they will remember it all of their life.
Society and relationships are complex. People will always try to put others down to make themselves feel better/more powerful. Control, selfish and inconsiderate spring to mind and also terribly insecure. Lots of people are terribly insecure and it comes out in many many weird ways.
You'll find someone on your wave length, they are out there, get looking, sounds like she's trying to put you down a little. Find an honest person who is comfortable with themselves, they will tell you how good you are without a blink of an eye !
I don't think you need to be wished good luck, if you have the attitude that you have a good nature - you know yourself. Us with good natures do still have to beware of the people who are not blessed with such a good trait, they can easily try to take advantage. Thats all you have to watch for !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): you deserve a better person from what you said above,even you keep dating her ,sorry to be honest,this girl is heard to be faithful ,you might find out someday
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (19 July 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol. Just to say, I know some of the things I have said about her before (true thought they may be) have maybe made her out to be horrible, but all the same, to me, she seemed just wonderful. Do you think I would have stuck with her for as long as I did had I not thought she was great? (And I will add, I wanted things to last).
Maybe I'm blinded by the fact that she's the first person I have ever been in love with, but there wasn't a lot she could do wrong. This however was one of them, so I decided to pick up on this and ask.
Also, just to clarify, she was the one who broke up with me, on account of distance.
Anyway, I find this topic fascinating!! I never realised that people found something that, to me, is so simple and easy, so hard! To me, if you love somebody, you should be able to say nice things to them at the drop of a hat! But I'm hearing differently here. It's wierd. Note; I'm not saying it's wrong, it's just wierd realising that I've been wrong in some ways.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (19 July 2007):
 It depends a lot on the person. I sometimes compliment a complete stranger on her shoes. So yeah, some people will say nice things for no reason.
It sounds like you and she were mismatched, and that you're MUCH better off without her. Good for you for breaking up. Keep looking for the one who is as nice as you are. (And yes, it's not unreasonable for someone to want that in a person, if that's the kind of person they themselves are.)
Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Oh Andy, you poor guy, isn't that torch getting even a little bit heavy to carry yet? She is not a very nice person as we have all discovered from your previous posts. But lots of people have trouble and are uncomfortable saying nice things and just hope that their loved ones know how they feel. I wish I could say something that would take her spell off of you. You need to move on.
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