A
female
age
51-59,
*ustmeclaire2011
writes:I am driving myself crazy and feel like I am tearing myself into two!! A few months back I left my ex because I had really strong feelings for another guy and felt I couldn't be with my ex because it wouldn't be fair on him and I really wanted to see if things could work with this other guy!! I have never met this guy it was kind of an online love if you like. But the feelings i have for him i have never had for anyone ever. We have been chatting on and off for around 8 years, something always seemed to go wrong when we got close. This time around I was hoping that we both could finally meet and even maybe have an happily ever after. We were due to meet this Saturday, but I have since found out that my ex has cancer. He wants me back, I care for him really deeply but I am not inlove with him. I am inlove with this other guy who I have never met, i know it sounds crazy but I do I love him. But my ex wants me back and he said he has nothing to fight for anymore, and said he doesn't want to fight without me by his side. I feel so guilty his always been there for me how can I turn my back on him now? The one time he really needs the support!! He knows about this other guy, and he knows how I feel about this other guy, but he has me pushed into a corner where I have to choose him if I don't choose him then he won't get the treatment he needs. His a good man, I would never want for anything, my children adore him, but I am not inlove with him and I don't know what I am meant to do!! I tried to tell him that i would be there for him through the treatment, I would go on every hospital visit with him, but he wants all or nothing!! Do I do the right thing and stand by my ex and forget the chance of finally finding true love. Or do I tell my ex I can't be there and watch him slip away? I care so much for my ex and it saddens me that he has got sick but i feel like I am torn into two, my heart is breaking, my children would love me to get back with my ex as would my whole family because he is a good guy, though his not acting like one at the moment, but i think its because his scared of what he has to go through. Hes brother doesn't live close by and his parents are no longer with us, so he only has me and my brother who is his best friend to depend upon, so how can I leave him when he needs me so much. But the thought of hurting this new guy is killing me. I don't know what i am meant to do!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): "I said if I was to get back with him, it wouldn't be free of choice it would be through guilt "You have the right idea and you couldn't have put it more plainly to him. If you get back together, it wouldn't be because of sound reasons so how could the relationship possibly work out? what would that kind of relationship look like? "He just doesn't want to believe it, he feels that he can give me what i want and need again if he was given the chance!! "He's not listening because he doesnt' care how you feel as he's too busy being wrapped up in how he feels which is understandable given his terrible situation but at the same time he is ironically proving your point. On the one hand he's saying he can give you what you want and need. And yet here you are telling him what you want and need (which is to not be in this relationship) and he's not accepting it. How can he supposedly give you what you want and need when he doesn't want to listen to you? He just contradicted himself because this relationship isn't right but what he needs is the comfort of something that doesn't exist and he's trying to force it into existence."I want to be there as much as I can for him, but he won't allow me to if i proceed with the guy I have feelings for!!"Well then tell him that you are very saddened that he's choosing to reject you, but you respect his right to make his own decisions so you will in that case respectfully NOT be there for him since that's his wish.
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female
reader, Justmeclaire2011 +, writes (7 December 2011):
Justmeclaire2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my days i knew i was a horrible person!! Its just been confirmed here!!I haven't had many relationships in fact i would say i have only had two!! three if you class a few months relationship!! My sons are 22 and 17, their father was abusive and a oomplete control freak and left me when i was pregnant with my youngest for my best friend, i am happy about that because i got a lucky escape!! His never had any contact with me or his sons since he walked out on us, again i am grateful because my sons are wonderful and are turning into great young men!! I met another guy when my youngest was around two years old, was with him only for a few months he turn out to be a lying cheat too!! I pretty much have been single right up until about two years ago!! I suffer with major trust issues because of being in such a controlled relationships. My ex is a close friend of my family and we kind of was pushed together. He was lovely and because i knew him since i was a kid i was comfortable in my skin and he knew what i had been through so his was a true gentleman to me. We were only together for just over two years. His not my husband and obviously not the father of my children. I guess we were both lonely when we decided to give it ago, we had some great times together, but i live over 400miles away from him so it wasn't like most relationships. Every weekend one of us would travel for the weekend, sometimes it wouldnt happen at all. I think the world of my ex, his lovely but there just isnt any spark there. Its not like i haven't tried to make it work because i so did. The online guy and the eight years, well, its not been consistantly, i mean we haven't spoke consistantly for eight years, its been on and off, he was in a relationship when we first met, here goes, he never told me lol I know i am a fool. As soon as i found out, i walked away. He popped back up again he was single and we decided to be online friends. Thats pretty much how it was for a long time. But these past few months old feelings were brought up and we started to chat more and more, then texting. And i truly believe i fell inlove with him. But after reading everything everyone has said, i believe your all right, so i have decided to walk away from them both, I dont want to get hurt and i dont want to hurt anyone either its better being me and my boys and my work, its less stressful thats for sure. Its been so nice getting advice from you all because your all outsiders, trying to get advice from those around me has been a nightmare because they all have their own agendas. I am so upset saying goodbye but i know its the right thing!! I have told my ex that he cannot blackmail me into being with me or use my kids love for him against me any more, that enough is enough, if he chooses not to go ahead with the treatment thats on his shoulders not mine. Of course if he wants me to be there as a friend, i will be there in a heartbeat but if he wants more than that then he will have to deal with it on his own. I just need time to heal myself now, i feel like a train wreck and feel like i have been pulled from pillow to post. I know its hard for you all to understand but there is so much more to everything, its not all black and white. But i do thank you all for the help, its been really appreicated xx
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 December 2011):
 I think you need to realize that the online guy is "fiction". 8 years and you guys have never met? It absolutely makes no sense to me. And for you to string him and the ex along for 8 whole years seems a little unfair to me, I'm wondering if it's partly the guilt that is making you consider going back to the ex?
Your Ex, I'm sorry he got diagnosed with cancer, but cancer or not, you two broke up for a reason and cancer of all things should be a reason to get back together. If he is a good man, then you need to figure out if you want to go back (and that would MEAN dump the Internet guy, no more two-timing/stringing along) or if you don't want a intimate relationship with the ex again, if that is your choice (there is no right or wrong here, just what you feel is right for you) You can still be there for him as a friend. If he can't accept that then THAT is his choice.
As for Mr. Internet. If you decide NOT to restart a relationship with the ex, maybe it's time to met him and see if he really is all that & a bag of chips.
So in the 8 years you have known him you dated the ex? And he dated who? Is he married? or was he married?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): it suprises me why your ex wants you back. i would not go to see him. it will only delay him meeting a stable woman who is capable of giving him a relationship, without being side tracked by an online romance. at this moment he may feel you are the best he can get, but he needs to work on loving himself more, which wont happen with you on the scene. as for you, stay with the internet romeo, its a better love match.
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reader, Dragonheart +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I agree with Mariab, you don't know Mr Internet at all. You talked to him, you have a rough idea of him, but you have never seen him in 8 years.
Why did you leave your partner NOW? You said it was not fair on him because you have feelings for Mr Internet, but was it fair on him the last 8 years when you focused on an illusion instead of your relationship?
Believe me, if you leave the man who shared your life for so long now just to meet an illusion you will regret it.
Good luck for you, i hope you take the right decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Theres a number on here to call
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancerinformation.aspx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I would distance yourself from them both, the online man has had ample time to meet with you and trust me, if he really wanted to - he would be there.8 years chatting and now your free..don't set yourself up for another fail.He must have filled a gap in your relationship with your husband, or became the reason your relationship failed.
As for the Ex, its awful what he has to face, really awful, but blackmailing you with threats is wrong in so many ways.
You have offered support as a friend, your children can support him too, but he has to accept thats ALL you will offer. Suggest he has counselling - Macmillan are amazing and his Oncologist will also help.They are professionals and will also talk to people affected by somebody with Cancer so perhaps a chat would help you to come to terms with your descision
Good luck
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reader, Justmeclaire2011 +, writes (7 December 2011):
Justmeclaire2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMariah I hear what you are saying, truly I do!! For a long time I told myself its impossible to feel this way about someone online someone I have never met, but the feelings I have I have never had before!! For a long time I would talk myself out of it because I kept saying its not real, but what we have feels so real its crazy!!
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reader, Justmeclaire2011 +, writes (7 December 2011):
Justmeclaire2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your reply!! It's so hard, I do feel really guilty i can't help it!! I feel like I am being pressured from everyone, the new guy in my life, my ex and my family, I just feel like running away from them all!! Everything you have said makes total sense!! I told him that I do not feel that way for him, and my feelings are with another man!! He just doesn't want to believe it, he feels that he can give me what i want and need again if he was given the chance!! I said if I was to get back with him, it wouldn't be free of choice it would be through guilt. He's not listening, I know he must be so scared right now and I want to be there as much as I can for him, but he won't allow me to if i proceed with the guy I have feelings for!! I'm just not sure if I can live with him not having treatment because I choose to go with my heart and not my head!! I'm not strong enough to deal with all this, its killing me!!
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reader, Mariab +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I just don't understand how you can LOVE someone you have never met! This to me is just incredible. You would put aside a real relationship for an online date (whom you have never met).
If you ask me... I think that Mr. Internet will become Mr. Reality in time. You will realize that internet life is perfect coz he doesn't chew with his mouth open, or squeeze toothpaste from the middle and he picks up after himself always. When Mr. Internet becomes Mr. Reality... ONLY THEN will you know if you have made the right decision. Think about it. Good luck xx
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reader, bluecow +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I cant really add anything to chocoholics excellent advice.
My only suggestion is to reassure him that you WILL be there for him to support him on his journey, BUT you will not be his partner.
Explain to him that your romantic relatoinship is over, but that you still want to remain friends and support him however you can. That you still love him as father to your kids, but are not in-love with him romantically. Then offer again to be there to support him every step of the way.
Now HE has a choice. He can accept your help and support or he can reject it. Make sure he knows HE is the one with a decision to make, not you.
He has absoloutly no right to blackmail you into a relationship you dont want, and deep down he knows it but he is a desperate man in a desperate situation. Its no excuse, but I do understand his behaviour.
You have to accept some of the blame for the failure of the marriage. He may have been a pig (no idea if he was or not) in the past, but you were in an emotional affair for 8 years. It is for this reason only that I suggest you do not attempt to stay with your ex. It would be unfair and cruel to both of you.
HUGS x
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 December 2011):
I'm so sorry to hear about this really awful situation that you're in, and also very sorry to hear about your ex's diagnosis.
I know this is a horrible situation that you've been put in, but I feel that what your ex wants from you isn't even possible to do even if you try.
He has lost a lot in the past few months. His world has literally been turned upside down. first he lost an intimate relationship. Then he got his diagnosis. He feels shaken, powerless, disoriented, maybe also emasculated. He's just trying to bring his life back to 'normal' to regain some emotional relief from his turmoil and thus trying to re-instate the relationship.
He doesn't want your support as a friend, even as a very good friend, even as a "practically a family member" type friend. But you have made clear to him that you're just not in love with him. Does he want you to fake feelings to him and lie to his face and be dishonest? I doubt he would like being in that kind of relationship but that's essentially what he's going to get if you resume the relationship out of guilt and obligation and no other reason.
I mean you can technically "get back together" with him as per his wishes but you can't force romantic feelings and desire for intimacy to happen on demand. so then it might go like this: you tell him you're just not in love with him, he says he has nothing to live for unless you get back together as romantic partners because being friends isn't enough for him. So you get back together out of guilt so that he won't give up on his life. And then further down the road (or maybe pretty soon) while you're in the relationship you feel unhappy and he gets upset that you don't seem to have feelings for him. Well??
"But my ex wants me back and he said he has nothing to fight for anymore, and said he doesn't want to fight without me by his side...."
He might as well be saying "unless you change the color of your skin and grow 5 inches taller and become an olympic athlete I have nothing left to live for.."..I mean, how can you do that?? Similarly, you can move back in together and not date anyone else, but is that a real relationship? how can you make feelings of a certain kind (romantic feelings) appear on demand? And, for him to say that unless you do it, he will not fight for himself... that is his own choice and it is outside of you.
How is it turning your back on him if you are supporting him in every way you can just not being a romantic/intimate partner? How are you not being by his side simply by being a friend rather than a partner?
You are not abandoning him - he's pushing you away. If someone has made the choice that they don't want to fight for their health, that is THEIR choice. It could be that this is temporary as he's still grappling with his situation and his emotions are all over the map. It may take awhile for him to come to terms with the reality of the relationship. So I think you should continue to offer your support, but not to get back together in a relationship.
"His a good man, I would never want for anything, my children adore him, but I am not inlove with him and I don't know what I am meant to do!! "
This is avenue for guilt to eat at you, because now the situation is being framed as you callously punishing him by not getting back together with him, and whether he deserves such punishment or not.... and of course the answer is that no he doesn't deserve punishment because he's a "good man."
But let's look closer at this angle and ask what does being a good man that have anything to do with whether you get into or stay in an intimate relationship? Should you enter into a new committed intimate relationship with a stranger whom you're not in love with but solely because he is a "good person?" of course not... If not, then should you get back with your ex (or call off the break-up) simply because he is a "good man" and for no other reason? I know some people might feel that the answer is "yes" in which case I would question further then what exactly is the purpose of intimate romantic relationships if feelings and intimacy apparently have nothing to do with it?? would such a relationship fulfill the needs of the partners involved and that includes him as well?
Based on this "he doesn't deserve a break-up because he's a good man" , well the world is full of good people so therefore very few break ups would ever occur if everyone followed this rule, and a lot of REAL relationships would never happen. Many people would never date more than one person their entire lives because if that first person was a "good person" because then they are not allowed to break up despite not having feelings. Clearly it would feel less discomforting to break up if the other person wasn't terminally ill because that's one less layer of guilt. But I think the illness or his other life circumstance should be kept separate from this issue otherwise by getting back into an intimate relationship based on guilt, it could very well prolong and intensify the guilt and emotional pain for you, as well as emotional pain for him (because then further down the road you will feel guilty that you're still not in love with your partner and he feels bad or inadequate that he's not evoking feelings from you).
"I tried to tell him that i would be there for him through the treatment, I would go on every hospital visit with him, but he wants all or nothing!!"
Then he has made his choice, unfortunately, and you have to accept his choice which is that he is rejecting your support. You are not abandoning him. You are offering all you are able to provide. And he is rejecting it. Like I said earlier, if he said that the only thing that would make him fight for his health is if you were to change the color of your skin or grow 5 inches taller or become an olympic athlete, what would you do?? what could you do?? You can't do it, it's just not possible. And he is the one who is making the choice not to accept what IS possible.
", my children would love me to get back with my ex as would my whole family because he is a good guy, though his not acting like one at the moment, but i think its because his scared of what he has to go through. "
More guilt which is what you don't need...everyone wants you to get back together with him because they pity him. But think about what this means. everyone else (meaning, outsiders to your relationship) are dictating to you which person you should live with, commingle finances with, go on romantic dates with, have sex with... How is it anyone else's business who you do these things with? Shouldn't it be YOUR decision who you do these highly personal and life-impacting things with, not your children's decision or your family's decision? How would they like it if you dictated to them which person they should do those things with? (and pick someone that they don't want to do it with)
I think what they have in mind when they want you to get back with him, is they themselves want to feel comfortable inside by picturing him being taken care of and having both logistical support and emotional support. They have mental images of him having someone by his bedside watching over him, cooking him meals when he can't, cleaning his house when he can't, saying comforting words when he feels down, listening to him when he needs to express his pain, checking to make sure he hasn't missed any medicines or appointments....they want to imagine that he is well taken care of. But, you ARE offering to support him and do some (if not all, you didn't make clear) of these things. So that should put their mind at ease that he will be supported by you. Whether you also choose to go on romantic dates with him or have a joint bank account with him or have sex with him, is not for them to decide!!! But by pressuring you to resume the intimate relationship, that is what they are trying to dictate to you. Even if you were his romantic intimate partner, if he really needed round the clock care it wouldn't be you providing it, it would be a professional caregiver or team of caregivers.
the bottom line is, providing care and support is not the same thing as being in a romantic relationship.
So what do you do? I know it's easier said than done because I'm not in your situation. But FWIW I think that, you should tell your ex that no, you will not reinstate the intimate/romantic relationship because you just don't have the feelings that are NEEDED for such a relationship to be a real one. The relationship would be fake and will disappoint him. You're not trying to punish him, you're trying to be honest and genuine so that your relationship is based on something that's solid and real rather than being based on a lie.
But reassure him again and again that ending the romantic relationship does not equal 'abandonment.' just because the relationship has changed doesn't make your care and support any less sincere or dependable. You two do still have a relationship, just that it's now different.
I would continue to remind him over and over again that even though you're not going to get back into a romantic relationship with him, that you DO care for him as a friend, and that you WILL be there for him. Remind him that the choice is his - he can let you stand by his side and support him, or he can reject you.
he's going through tremendous stress and existential crises so even if he's pushing you away saying it has to be "all of nothing!" I would continue to offer your support in your own way because he might change his mind at some point.
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reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (7 December 2011):
 It seems like your ex is using his disease as emotional blackmail to force you to get back with him. That is completely unfair to you, and very similar to someone threatening suicide if a relationship ends. If you no longer love him you should not be with him. However, if the only reason you don't want to be with him is that you are staking your hope on this other man, I would be more concerned. If this online relationship doesn't work out and you also do not have your ex, will you be happy? Or are you simply trying to replace one with the other? You will need to think carefully about all your options.
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