A
female
age
51-59,
*urtinlove
writes:Hi, I left my fiance, 5 year relationship because id had enough of his anger and violence. He didnt hit me but did a lot of yelling, broken many things, thown things at me, attacked his kids when enraged, kicked property etc, lost the respect of my teenage kids and has kicked our dogs on several occasions. I understand why my ex was so angry, he grew up with a drunk violent father and has suffered losses of loved ones... He was devistated when i left him/ lost our baby, i didnt talk to him for months afterwards as i was sure i didnt want to be with him. He has learned why i left and understands how bad his behaviour became. He has cried to me and shared his remorse for his actions, promising to change and prove to me that he can. He is reading anger books and promising to get help and prove to me, my kids and my family that he can change. I believe him and want it to be true but my family have told me that i wont be welcome if i decide to even be friends with him. I know the statistics say that violent men usually dont change, because they believe they have the right to be that way. What if this man knows his problem, and is willing to do whatever he can to stop it. Do I risk losing the relationship with my family and my kids for a relationship with him. I know i still love him. Should i leave him simply because he was cruel to our dogs. Wld u forgive him. For now i am just going to take it slowly, be friends and associates, as we have a companh together, i am thinking of going back to work at our business a cple of days a week. Only prob is, we are very sexually attracted to each other and i dont know if i could manage seeing him and going home after work, rather than going to his... He loves me very much, doesnt want anyone else, wants and is trying hard to make up for the hell he put me through etc..I know he is genuine,but my family see him as a monster, preying. Doesnt help that i just spent the last few months ditching on him to my family....Oh what a puzzle ive made for myself....
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 I totally agree with CaringGuy. Statistics don't lie and neither do CaringGuy and I. Abusive people do NOT change even though they promise to do so. This man does have power over you and he knows it. Violent behavior only escalates. I grew up with an abusive person and they remain so even after years of therapy, committment to change and even after having loved ones leave their life permanently.
The hint of truth for me that this man is just playing you to get you back is the fact that he SAYS he will change. Ha Ha. That is his committment to you, he WILL go. Sorry, he will NOT go. Once you let him back in your life he has no reason to go.
You said he never hit you or the kids but violence is a pecking order. He began with the dog and I guarantee you or the kids are next.
Don't take him back, don't go back to work with him and if you can't control your physical lust then stay away.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 July 2010):
Have you ever heard this line?
Mother is the word for God on the lips of every child.
I forget who said it. But it basically means this. Your first duty in life, is to protect your children from men like this. That is your DUTY. If you go back to this man, you have failed. Flat. And anything else you do with your life, means nothing, because you have failed the only things in the world that are dependent on you for protection, love and care. It doesn't even matter if you turn into Mother Theresa. You'll have failed. And the most unforgivable thing a parent can do is knowingly fail their child.
What I see here, is one of two things. I see a woman who is either dangerously naive, or worse still, is very cruel. Because to go back to this man is either naive, or it is a huge act of cruelty to the children you are supposed to protect from this. If you go back, you lose the title of mother, and you gain the title of abuser, because you willingly would rather be with a man who abused you and your children, than get away. You willingly say that the treatment your children and you have been give from this man is the way life should be, and that your children should accept it.
I'm hoping very much, that you're just naive. Because I know what it's like to have a bad father. And the pure hatred you have for a parent that has failed you is beyond anything you can imagine. They will just despise you if you go back. And it won't just be them. It will be literally EVERYONE. Your kids, your family, your friends. You won't have anywhere else to turn. Which is what this man wants, of course. Nice trap for you, isn't it? Clever.
This man does not love you. Period. What he loves, is the power he knows he has, the power to destroy you, to make you crawl, to make you pick your children over him. Now he has to change the way he wields that power, so he's doing all the right things to show he can be a better man. The moment he has you again, he'll start again, and it will be even more relentless this time. This man has been like he has for the five years he has been with you. My father (a term I use loosely), has been abusive for 22 years minimum (my age, plus more time)
Love, understanding and forgiveness have nothing to do with this man. This man should be out of your life. You are sitting there thinking he will change. He won't. Instead, your poor kids, who are the only people you owe anything to, will realize that you think so lowly of them that you picked an abusive man over them. That is what they will think. That you hate them so much, that you think so little of them, that they are not even as good as the man who has abused them. Then you know what they'll do? Take drugs, consider suicide, consider hurting you to get their own back, spit at you? Which one do you want them to choose?
You KNOW the stats, yet you are choosing to ignore them. He's not the one who's infatuated. You are. He knows that, so he's playing you.
Now, I'm pretty sure you're not cruel. I think this is a reaction to the fact that your kids have moved out, and you're panicking about being alone. But if you go back, you become this man. You become the abuser. You're risking the well being and lives of your children, for the sake of a man who has hurt them. That's either naive are cruel. And it will scar your children for life, knowing every day, you chose the man who hurt them over their lives. Choose. Do you want to be beaten and hated beyond anything you've ever seen before with kids that are either dead or are on the way to dying? Or would you rather start again. There is no in between here. Someone has to be sacrificed. I hope, very much, you decide that your children are not worth sacrificing. I promise this man will not change. I've heard all that shit before about changing. It doesn't wash on me. I know lies, and I know this man is a liar. So you can either choose to prove to your kids that you're a worthy mother, or show the world that you weren't worthy of kids in the first place. I beg of you, don't fail your kids. Don't add more to their suffering with this man. They will not forgive you for it, and it will ruin them. I beg.
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A
female
reader, Hurtinlove +, writes (11 July 2010):
Hurtinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u CarinGuy,
What if he is not proud of his actions, admitts he was bad & wrong, and is taking steps to change: shouldnt i just take a step back, let him do the therapy/ councilling/ courses & see how it goes? Or cut my losses & go looking for another guy who can satisfy me.
U are right tho...I have cried deeply during DV courses about not leaving sooner, so why go back now...
This man can be as equally loving as he can be angry...I am proud of how he has admitted his wrongs, is teaching himself about his anger and how to control it, he is even teaching it to his employees/ work mates. I see him being a teacher of this to other violent men, he really has the strength & power to teach it.
Underneath all that is his love for me...but then i worry that its an infatuation, he loves me deeply and we are very attracted to each other.
I see it clearly that i shld not go back if i am to save the rel's with my kids & family....but it justifies why i stayed with him all along, i knew he was troubled....but a loving person...sounds crazy doesnt it.
If i see him casually that wont work will it...because i am still associated... My teens live away from me, one with their dad. I want to be part of my company again...dont know what to do.
I was hell bent on selling the house & moving on, but im keeping the house hoping my kids will come back & I get my career going again, i will need a place to live.
Its difficult to leave it all, but i was on my way and now considering giving it another go....
Sorry, i feel like im wasting ppl's time, i sound crazy, ive made a lot of hard decisions to get away from him, now im letting him back in. But there is more to it ....it's love, understanding, forgiveness.
I think i know what i shld do, stay away, but im a risk taker and I believe he can do it...and that he is the one that holds the key to other men understanding about DV, learning & changing...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 July 2010):
I can solve this puzzle now. Why would you go back to a man who attacked you verbally, attacked his kids and possibly even your children? Why? Because you think he will change? Because he promised? In five years he didn't change. You know the statistics. They don't change. Every violent man promises to change. You go back to him, your kids will hate you, your parents will hate you, your family will hate you, your friends will hate you and you'll end up dead. Then your children get to bury you and feel bad for the rest of their lives that they didn't do more. Do you want that? It sounds extreme, right? Except that it happens. We all know the stories about violent men who kill their kids and step kids and partners. You do, you've seen the numbers. So why risk it? You go back to this man, who has attacked his kids, your dogs and you, and possibly your own kids (you don't know what happened to them). If you go back to him, you lose everything, and you betray your own children in the worst way possible.
I'm sorry, I don't like judging people when they ask for advice, but if you go back, you'll have failed to protect your children as a mother and you lose the right to even be a mother, and I'm sad to say that you'll ruin your life. You're a mother and a woman, not someone's punchbag or microphone. Take off the rose tinted glasses and look at what this guy has done. He's taken pleasure in hurting you, manipulating you, hurting his kids and your kids, dogs and just about everyone else. Should you forgive? Should you go back? Would you really risk your life for a man who would gladly hurt you as he has done? Go back and you'll lose everything. And rightfully so if you do. Don't go back to Hell.
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