A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for over a year when I was 17 and he turned out to be fairly abusive (nothing physical but verbal abuse and manipulation as well as cheating). After I broke up with him, things went majorly downhill: he told people horrible lies about me, etc. I came to be very angry about both how he had treated me when we were dating as well as after the breakup. We haven't spoken in 4 years and I'm essentially over it, having gone on and dated other people since then, but I've always said I didn't think I could be the one to reach out and reconcile because of how badly he hurt me. However, this afternoon I got a text from a mutual friend who said that my ex's dad had died. I don't know why but I began sobbing. I wasn't even particularly close to his father but he was fairly young (50s) and for whatever reason I feel horrible that he died. How do I handle this situation? I don't have my ex's number anymore and I blocked him on social media to keep him from contacting me but I feel like I should say something. To be honest, I don't even know what I would say. "I'm sorry that a hugely influential part of your life is gone but this doesn't change anything between us?" I'm torn between this horrible sadness and sense of panic and just wanting to pretend it didn't happen. Any help is appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): I don't think you should contact your ex again. Not even to offer condolences. Abusive relationships are difficult to get out of and you have broken your ties with him. Please keep it that way.
I understand that you feel upset his father has passed away. That is always a sad time, but your ex might get your contact details again and all sorts of things could spiral from there.
If you feel you must do something make an anonymous donation to a charitable trust in his fathers memory or plant a tree in a garden of remembrance for everyone who has been taken too soon. Just don't go back to this man. I don't see what good it could do.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 Your grief is understandable but if you reopen the lines of communication with your ex boyfriend it will be much more difficult to close them again.
Learning of the death of a relatively young person is always difficult, especially if it is somebody we know.
My personal opinion is that it brings death that much closer to ourselves, and highlights how tenuous our hold on life can be, but this may be too deep a discussion for this forum.
I think in this case you can feel bad for your ex and his family losing somebody so young, grieve for their loss but as there has been no contact between any of you for four years and taking your ex's abusive behaviour into consideration I think it would be best to not send condolences.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2015):
 I wouldn't call him. I'm sorry his dad died. You are sorry that his dad died. It's pretty normal to feel a sense of compassion.
IF you reach out, you open a door that you may not want to have HIM walk through.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 You feel horrible because it's morality for anyone and you happened to know this person, even if you weren't close to them.
Don't reach out - leave it in the past. Also, you can't be over him if you said "I didnt think I could be the one to *reconcile*"; you don't want to be with a person like that and, he may have changed, but you shouldn't go back when it was so bad. People who have chances at a successful relationship try it again because it was a good relationship, not an abusive one.
If you hadn't been talking for a year, I may have said you can say "I heard about your dad and I'm sorry for your loss" (but still avoided any further contact), but it's been 4 years, everything has moved on and I don't think you should reach out to your former abusive boyfriend, no.
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