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Do I have to tell my boyfriend everything about my past?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 28 June 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a serious question that I need advice on. I am in a long term relationship and I'm starting to get the feeling that my boyfriend is going to propose. I love him very much and definitely want us to get married. I have two things that I have never told him:

1. When I was 18 I had a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend.

2. In my early 20s I was date raped and ended up getting pregnant and having an abortion.

These are things that almost no one knows, not even most of my closest friends. The reason I've never told him is that they're not things I'm proud of and I never want to talk about them at all, to anyone, ever.

Do I have to tell him? I feel that I have emotionally recovered from these situations and that they don't really have any impact on our relationship. We've always had the agreement not to talk about our sexual pasts at all. I know he won't find out about these things unless I tell him, and I'm not sure if it is nessasary, I just want to do the right thing.

Thanks :)

View related questions: abortion, sexual past, threesome

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (28 June 2009):

Yos agony auntIt depends.

If there is a chance he'll find out about either, then I believe you should tell him. It will be much worse if he accidentally finds out one day, he'll feel you lied to him and it will be potentially disastrous. For example, if some of your friends know about your threesome then there's a chance it'll come up one day. Be careful. This site has many stories of marriages being ripped apart by this kind of information coming up 10 years into a marriage, with sometimes devastating consequences for families.

Your other option is to agree to a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. As a guy, I have learned that I just don't want to know, so with my gf we agreed not to discuss our sexual pasts. In that case, I think it's fine since we've both agreed not to go there. I would recommend this, if you can find the right way to have this conversation. You get to be honest yet protect him from information that will hurt him.

I do know that many men (probably most) would want to know these things if they're going to be married to someone. Or at least be given the option to know.

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A female reader, iloveyhoo United Kingdom +, writes (28 June 2009):

iloveyhoo agony aunti think the threesome is not that important so no ou don't have to tell him.

but the raped and abortion one i do think it will be better and easier if you told him. but before you tell him you should say once i have told you this i would rather you not ask me questions about it.

good luck x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009):

If I were in your boyfriend's situation, I would like to know the #2 on time (at around the time of the proposal); #1. not necessarily so (only if I would have asked you directly).

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009):

If you both agree not to talk about your sexual past, then the threesome can stay untold. As long as you're not totally living a lie by keeping this from him or something. (He's not the president of the Worldwide Anti-Threesome Foundation or something, is he?)

The rape might best be told just because of the traumatic aspects of it. I don't think it's something you should view as a shameful thing like this. Getting held up at gunpoint is not the same thing as willingly giving a thug your money. It may affect your sex life in the present and future, and also there may be emotional effects too.

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A female reader, samara United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

the abortion part definitely the threesome never ever tell them everything when you get married they shove it in youur face am=nytime they have a chance.

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A female reader, sexseahot United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

sexseahot agony auntYou do not have to tell him if you don't want to. It is YOUR past and you can keep it that way if you decide. It is far from necessary that he knows these kind of things about you. As long as you aren't doing those things while you are with him, he doesn't need to know. If you have this agreement about not talking about your sexual pasts at all, great! There is your answer, he probably don't really want to know. Just leave these in the past and keep them there, it's not necessary to bring them up and it will save you a lot of possible heartache.

Good Luck!!!!

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A female reader, niki20 United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

niki20 agony auntyou dont need to tell him. i personally think since it is your past, he cant really get mad. these are things that would bring a relationship closer. its scarey to tlk about these things but since your emotionally over them then he can also get you through them even more, the threesome isnt something you need to share but it shouldnt hurt your relationship. i think that the past is the past embrass the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009):

Your past is yours alone. Whoever asks for your past to make a decision on marriage, civil unions and the like are doing so to satisfy their possessive ego.

Aside from that, did he ask you? He didn't. He didn't ask you. Therefore, you are trying to sabotage your connection with him, with unnecessary information. However, you can give him the option. You can ask him if he wants to know everything about your past or would it not matter so much to him. If it matters not, then you have a set man. If it matters a lot, then you have brought yourself into this consequence.

If it was me, I would not ponder on my lover's past. I was not there. It has nothing to do with me.

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