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female
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jandj
writes: I am a 35 year old divorced mother of two. I have been divorced 9 years now and I have dated off and on. I am now in a relationship, only four months in mind you, but a serious one at that. He calls several times a day, I see him at least 3 times a week and we go out mostly Friday nights. It's a sexual relationship. We have fallen in love, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He even wants to marry me one day. We talk at depth about everything, for I believe communication to be a very important part of a relationship. We talk about our feelings, sex, life and love. We are devoted to each other, he calls me when he is home with his kids or out and about. Now, the one wrong thing with this relationship is that he is married. It's a loveless marriage and he's there for the kids at this point. Given that it is four months in, how long until I am able to make ultimatums? Do I have the right to give him ultimatums?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 What's even more sad about all this is your intent. You intend to destroy this family. It's one thing to make a bad mistake and realize what you've done and leave the situation, however painful, because you realize you've put a marriage in jeopardy and you don't want to be that woman like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It's another when your aim is the dissolution of that marriage which in turn, destroys the lives of those children. It's even more degrading to yourself that you are about to carry out this intent and will feel vindictive and angry at him when you don't succeed. You will probably take it further and get his wife involved so she'll leave him when you aren't successful in getting him to leave. The path you are on is very destructive. What about your kids? What are you teaching your children in all of this?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (19 July 2008):
There is some disagreement it seems on whether to give this guy an ultimatum! Isn't the truth of these affairs that an ultimatum is already built in and therefore inevitable? Whether it's stated explicitly or when it's 'over', it is because of this inherent ultimatum anyway: You leave your wife or I'm leaving this affair- that's why these relationships end. It's never because "I'm leaving him because he cheats" or "I'm leaving him because we don't have common values" or even "I'm leaving him because I just don't feel that chemistry anymore"! The whole foundation of this type of relationship is built around a condition that states there must be a finality (leaving the wife or not leaving) which is the definition of an ultimatum.
Poster, whether you say outright an ultimatum doesn't matter. The ultimatum was already a condition of this relationship when it started for all parties involved: you and his wife especially. If she finds out, which she eventually will if you continue, she will be giving him an ultimatum. He's just going to follow the path of least resistance and stay with his wife because it's easier, he has more history with her, and he has a family with her. If this guy wasn't a coward, he wouldn't be in this position, he'd be facing the issues in his marriage instead of escaping them. If you flat out left him, this is still an ultimatum, one he either responds to or doesn't. Most likely, he won't respond because the cost of losing you is minimal compared to the cost of losing his wife.
It's really a waste of time to give an ultimatum because it's redundant and puts the responsibility on him which is work and he won't be willing to work that hard, so he'll lie to you instead and to his wife, isn't this how it all started in the first place? If this weren't the case, he would have left already!
I do agree that you are completely responsible for this situation, you are an accomplice to this guy breaking his vows. To believe you actually have the power to break this guy's marriage is the false belief that justified you getting involved first place, you don't have that much power. I doubt you said to yourself "I am going to invest all my emotions so he can stay with his wife". More likely, you believed that by falling in love with you, he would leave her and this is what would make you a homewrecker, yes. But that won't happen.
All you are is an accomplice and accomplices just play second fiddle in a bigger, more important dynamic, the marriage. The key players are he and his wife. To say you are a homewrecker places on you power that you don't have and it also implies that you are so unique and special to this guy that he's powerless in preventing this-not the case. It's certainly possible but highly unlikely because I doubt this is the first affair he's had! It's more probable that he's a serial philanderer and each woman has much less significance than what he's led them to believe. You know he lies to his wife about her being the only one, don't you think he's lying to you about the very same thing?
The other thing you don't realize is that even though it seems like you can communicate through anything right now, this man is really incapable of working through important things, he avoids that and that is why he is seeking something outside of his marriage. He's not in a loveless marriage, okay? He's in an avoidant one. He still makes love to his wife and now you are making it easier to stay in his marriage because between the two of you, all his needs are fulfilled. This is why they accuse these men of having their cake and eating it too!
To follow through with an ultimatum by leaving won't change his behavior towards you or his wife. He might beg you to come back or promise all these things but only until he finds your replacement. From his standpoint, it makes no sense to change his behavior, he likes the best of both worlds. You think he's going to leave that to be with you exclusively for the rest of his life? Even if by a long shot he did, he would find other 'accomplices' like yourself! If he didn't work under this mentality, this would have been an 'exit affair' and it's not.
Wake up, have some self respect and stop allowing this guy to paint a pretty picture because it doesn't exist in this particular situation and it can't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This man is selfish and doesn't care about you or his family, only his own needs. However nice he seems nice men don't do this however unhappy they are. If he really was that unhappy he'd leave without being asked WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. Is this the type of man you want to spend your life with? He isn't worth it. Trust me I've seen it so many times before and it won't work. You deserve so much better and there really are some nice guys out there who wouldn't put you through this. You deserve better and frankly so does his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I wouldn't see it as giving him an ultimatum but giving yourself one. To be in a relationship with someone who also lives his life as part of another couple is far less than anyone deserves. Tell yourself that you are only happy to carry on the relationship with someone who is single. Yes that would mean him leaving his wife but that would have to be his choice. It's unfair of him to keep her hanging on in a 'loveless' marriage if he's not interested in her. He should let her go so that she can find real love. If he makes that decision then maybe he is then worthy of your love but don't settle for anything less. Sometimes people do end up in unhappy marriages so you're not a home wrecker if he's truly unhappy but give yourself a break. Would you advise your best freind to carry on in the relationship? Or a grown up daughter? Then why yourself? Set yourself an ultimatum and stick to it and I hope you find happiness. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): dont give him anything.leave him. and get on with it.what you doing is potentially life wrecking.if he has children its not fair on them.having been put in a situation simlar myself, i know how much it messes things up and to continue with the relationship would be selfish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): give him the ultamatium and if he doesn't go...go on with your life and never contact him again...my friend is still waiting for a life with her lover of 8 years...that ended 16 years ago...it has and continues to ruin her life...they still talk every other week..for a total or 22 years!!! he's still with his wife and her life is a tragedy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Shame on you. How would you like it if you had a husband that was cheating on you. You're creating some bad karma for yourself. Evaluate your self-esteem....it seems sort of low; and find a single man who is available and not using you like a drug to escape his reality.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): NO! She does not have the right to give him an ultimatum. She should backoff! I know cause I am living it right now! She should find a man that wants her for being the person that she is not a sex object that came between a choice of his wife and family. His choice I am sure will come to haunt him in a few months and his wife may be long gone and he will have a tuff time dealing with his guilt and be left with a heavy heart. When a man goes through a mid-life crisis is unstable and unprediciable. The homewrecker should readc between the lines but she is not seeing clearly either. Why would he leave his wife and family for her anyway? Think about it is it cause she is younger than he is? Is it that she has someething that she can offer better than his wife and family? I don't think so! Wake-up and smell the coffee!
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (4 November 2005):
 Genevieive10022,
I take deep issue with your posting. The whole point is, this gal put herself in a precarious position..divorce rates are high in fact, but because so many men and women make themselves far too accessible to the cheater. Cheaters are selfish and so are the people that "choose" to accomodate them. This woman needs to take responsibility here for her own actions, for making the choice to involve herself in this man's life. This man is married with children, and apparently in a 'loveless' marriage but how does she know that for certain. Even if it is a 'loveless' marriage, no one has the right to interfere. She is basing that on the words of a cad, a cheater, a liar. When he first showed interest in her, she could have ended it before it started but she didn't, did she? Just because you are chased doesn’t mean you have to give in. So indeed, she is a "homewrecker'. As women, we know that being chased by a married man is a predictable occurrence in the lives of most single women. But with many of us, our moral ethics kick in and we say NO and run the other way. As said before, men who step out on their wives are liars. So now why would she ever think he would not lie to her? When a woman chooses her future partner based on moral, good character, the married man flunks on all counts.
She needs to learn how to discriminate and needs to discern a man who would be good for her life. Any woman who bases her life plans on a married man needs to have a strong dose of reality: He isn’t going anywhere. That’s 'why' he’s still married. Women who have affairs with married men seem to not understand that marriage is much more than a sexual relationship. People are not necessarily happy in their marriage but the connections of marriage run deeper than love itself, and for most people, the emotional bonds of wife and family, are more important than the relationship with the honey on the side. All I can say to any single woman or man who messes with married men..."You must be lonely and sad and I feel so sorry for you" It's time for this gal begin building herself a new life, one with a solid future. So can she give ultimatums...no. She gave up that 'right' along with her self-respect, the first time she took another woman's man to her bed.
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A
female
reader, genevieve10022 +, writes (3 November 2005):
You have every right to make demands on this man. It is better to know now, then later. If your demand is for him to leave his wife and he does not set a defined date, then you know he never will.
Don't listen to other posters about your relationship in regard to being with this man. It takes two and he has chosen to be unfaithful. 62% of all marriages end in divorce in the US; therefore, not all marriages are happy. The majority are not.
Set demands. If he does not live up to them, then dump him. But, don't give into a stereotype that says you are the home-wrecker or that you do not deserve respect from him because you do. There are many reasons to stay in a marriage and once you have children, that is a very important reason to remain. However, you are just as important in this relationship.
Ask you questions, but really stick to a plan if he does answers them with needing more time or in the negative. At that point, take matters into your own hand and think about ending the relationship.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (26 July 2005):
No, you dont have any right to tell him anything as you are merely the 'other woman' in his life.
if he hasnt left his wife by now, then he never will and why should he when he has his cake and is eating it too?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Boyfriend? He's not your boyfriend he's someone else's husband for crying out loud. You have no busy having a "relationship" in the first place let alone making any demands. He belongs to someone else and you are merely a piece of meat. Sraighten yourself out and go find an available person.
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reader, carol46 +, writes (21 July 2005):
Get rid now,take my word for it.I've been there and got the t-shirt.They never leave there wives only on very odd occasions.They tell you a pack of lies or what you want to hear about how unhappy they are at home.As for a loveless marriage,your not there at home with him so how do you know whats going on.They just want the best of both worlds.Men like that pray on women like you.Find someone single who just wants you.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (21 July 2005):
Ultimatums rarely solve underlying problems, and they foster resentment. I wouldn't do it unless you are seriously going to follow through. He's married to another woman and even though he claims not to love her, he's not making any moves to give you any form or proof of a future together. And you really have to ask yourself..why? You are the 3rd wheel..you have no right to give him ultimatum..you made the clear cut 'choice' to have an affair with him. This is the consequence of your actions....you are not entitled to anything.
If you gave him an ultimatum and he moved on it and left his wife for you...there will be devastation within his family. He could feel intense guilt. He could eventually resent what you did...forcing him to make a decision. And would you really want to start your life together thinking that your b/f was coerced into this life altering decision, especially when you knew he was not fully prepared & committed to giving up his marriage for you. You are taking a huge risk...it's emotional blackmail. Your future relationship with him could be characterised by conflict, tension and mistrust, which manifests into arguments and threats.
Right now, as his mistress, you are likely feeling undervalued, taken for granted, anxious, impatient and angry having to wait for your man to leave his wife and kids. That's the "harsh reality" of having an affair with a married man. It's likely that from your boyfriend's perspective, his extramarital relationship with you is plodding along fine. Bringing up the topic of his relunctance to leave his marriage all the time, will cause you to get impatient with him eventually. You both may argue.. you will get angry & frustrated & he will see these negative traits you could display, as a sign of things to come if you were both to get together, in the future. If you are determined to keep this man in your life..and if he is going to tell his wife and leave his family for you...best to just stay nice and quiet.
However, I suspect that his current level of involvement is just what he wants, right now or he would've left his marriage by now. But his wife is likely to find out about you sooner or later, and that could be the start of much pain and heartache for you and him. There could a lot of tough dynamics that will go on. The financial, legal and emotional ramifications of a divorce will haunt him for sometime to come. If there are children..he will be forever connected to his wife for the rest of his life. You will never have him to yourself. Is all this heartache worth it? Is your own life so boring that you need this kind of dangerous relationship where you sneak around? And what if he leaves his wife for you..what's to say he won't do the same thing to you someday. You really should find something that gives you excitement without having to get it from someone else’s sad, unhappy life.
It's time to wise up and move on. Find yourself a man who is single, available and unattached and can give you real happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2005): Sorry, no. I wouldn't There's no official timeline for ultimata, but that's not the point. What IS the point is that you're the Third Party here. He's seeing you on the sly. Your opinion is not that important. You don't have a leg to stand on because - pardon the archaic terminology - you're the "homewrecker".If he wants to be with you, and only you, he will leave his wife and family and be single again so he can focus on YOU. He'll find a way, I promise you. If he wants to spend his life with you... and only you... then he'll negotiate a reasonable settlement of property and childcare responsibilities, and LEAVE HIS WIFE before taking up with you, because you're more important to him than anything.He's not doing that. What he's doing is having a sexual and emotional relationship with a woman who's not his wife - a thrilling little bonus - then going home to his domestic family life. In other words, he gets the best of both worlds, and you're getting the emotional leftovers.It's not fair to you, and I hope that you see it that way soon, because it's very unlikely to change. See the situation from his perspective: Why change it? It's great (for him)! He gets complete love and adoration, extra sex and emotional devotion from you, THEN he gets a family home with his kids and whatever else is missing from his life, from his wife. Wow! Wouldn't we all like that?Meanwhile, you're getting screwed, dear.You're falling for the biggest, most transparent lie every told by a philandering husband: "My wife doesn't understand me, but Oh, you kid!"I hope that you'll see that this is leading nowhere. Give him an ultimatum if you like. Say "If you don't leave your wife, I'll leave you". But be prepared for the distinct possibility of having to make good on your threat.Or, leave him now, with your dignity intact.
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