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anonymous
writes: Hi..I wrote a few weeks ago about my concerns about my boyfriend's interest in pornography and him saying that he just does it out of boredom. Many thanks for the very helpful replies.Things have since developed with my boyfriend and I discussing it openly. He admits he has a problem and has tried very hard to stop viewing this internet porn. He even promised my he would stop after I explained how upset, devalued and rejected it has made me feel. However, the other day, I found that he had been doing it again.He has now told me that he is not really interested in having sex with me any more and finds it boring. He swears that this has nothing to do with me personally. He is a very spiritual person (as we both are) and says that he does not see the point in sex any more...just sees it as animal and pointless. Yet, he is always looking at other women when we are out and about.We have such a wonderful close friendship, it is incredible. However, I am finding all this very difficult to deal with. I am facing the prospect of trying to overcome my sexual desire and just live without sex. We are in our early 30s. I am not sure I can do that.Any help or advice would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): I've been having the same problem. I've only discovered porn once in the past year of my two year relationship -- and he didn't even try to hide it. I guess that hurt most. I felt like I'd stumbled on some horrible secret, but he acted like it was nothing. I ended up losing my cool very badly, and I'm still embarrassed. It really left me with the feeling that I'd done a worse thing than him. What is the worst is that I've no one personal to talk to. If I tell my mother, she'll just tell me to dump him, because she's very irrational when it comes to her baby. I can't talk to my best friend because she's never even dated anyone! She'd be all worried and unhelpful. I think the best advice I have is asking him to stop if he values your relationship. And... really, sweety, if he's that uninvolved in you... it might just be time to move on. I could never think of breaking up with my boyfriend, but if this continues -- Well, let's put it this way. I want to be happy, like my mom is at 53.
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female
reader, Ann +, writes (11 August 2005):
I have the same problem but my husband tell's me it is to relif stress and it get's hard to deal with and it feel's like he is wanting me to look like them. When we do have sex he tell's me he is not getting enoff and he don't think that hurt's my feeling. I try and talk to him about his adiction but he get's all mad and walk's out and tell's me he don't want to talk about it. So I understand how you feel and some time's you can tell them how you feel about them looking at it but it does no good. It is one thing that lead's to break-up's and devorces is Pornography so do what you know in your heart is right. You are the only one who can make that decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2005): Rebecca's answer (below) is spot on. Pornography clearly *is* becoming a big issue, and it seems to be for a lot of couples. Your boyfriend is a pornography addict and should acknowledge this and try to wean himself off. Maybe with your help he can do this. If not, get rid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Please try your best to get out of this selfish relationship befor you become so unhappy. He does not deserve you. Let him drown in his porno is he does not get professional help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2005): Why should you live a "sexless life" because the man you love can get HIS sexual addiction under control? And if he's eyeballing other women..he is objectifying them as merely sexual toys. Do you really want to live with a man who has that "type of perverse mindset" One the worst effects of porn addiction for a man is desensitization. A healthy, sexual relationship between two people who love, trust and respect each other is sacred and can be a enlightening, wonderful way to bond. You b/f is experiencing that destructive desenitization which is a dangerous symptom of having a sexual addiction. It takes away one's ability to decipher fact from fiction, reality vs fantasy. It's hindering his ability for a normal relationship where you both can interact, sexually in an loving, caring manner. He's getting his "kicks" from porn, basically he no longer needs you because he's having his sexual fantasies induced by the garbage his mind has absorbed.
Engrossing himself in this world of seedy sex is leaving you both with relationship problems stemming from his inability to understand emotions and proper feelings. His moral judgement, his respect for the human act of lovemaking, has been greatly skewed. Many sexually addicted men think that masturbation/pornography has no effect on the sex between themselves and their partner.
But sadly, it does..he's living in a sexualized fantasy world where all the bodies are perfect and the sex is without emotion and love. In the real world, a woman can never live up to the perfect images he has imbedded deep in his mind, nor should she have to. She has to keep understanding that the perfect partner is the one who loves her and accepts her without her being perfect and he accepts all her faults that come along with the package! In our real, normal world, that type of caring person is what you should perhaps think about doing for yourself-is getting back out there and dating some nice man who appreciates you just for you.
His addiction is harming more than just the himself, it corrupting his accountability as a trusting person in a relationship where hiding secrets from you about addiction is common. A good relationship is based on honesty. He needs intensive, professional help. I would consider telling him that you are leaving to get on with your life.
You are young & healthy..why should you live without a sex life because your b/f can't get his addiction under control. It just isn't fair. Think of yourself now, hun and do what you have to make YOU happy. I wish you luck and god bless. Hugs xxoo
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (21 July 2005):
 I think pornography is becoming quite an issue in relationships and you only have to click on the pornography category we have on this site to see how many problems it causes.
Bev always answers these questions well but she tends to take the view when women complain of feeling rejected and unwanted that porn can be relatively harmless, as men are stimulated more so by the act than the somewhat artificial women displayed and that most men tend to do it. I take a different view as I feel many men are beginning to use porn as a replacement for sex with their partners and this urgently requires attention. I feel it is very unfair on the women involved and they need to be taught some kind of coping strategies to deal with their feelings.
You have every right to a warm, loving and passionate relationship. You should not have to face the prospect of overcoming sexual desire and being celibate if that is not what you wish.
It seems your relationship is more like a friendship and it might well be very close but I think you need much more and staying with this man is going to leave you feeling unfulfilled and unhappy.
You could try talking to him about his obsession with porn and suggest he gets help. You could say that unless you have a normal relationship, then you won't have a relationship anymore. You could suggest ways and means of reviving your sex life together so that he finds it less boring. It all depends on what you want but I would suggest you leave him; you are far too young to have to sacrifice your sexual feelings because your partner would prefer to look at porn. It isn't as if he has a disability or an illness that stops him from making love with you.
Get out there and live a life and find someone who is worthy of your attention and love. I don't believe your partner respects at all how you feel, he isn't prepared to compromise or to recognise your needs and feelings.
Find someone who does.
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