| A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for 1 year to a woman i met online we have a 1 month year old child together who i very much love.However, I have lately been feeling hatrid and anger towards my wife, being very bitter and what some could consider as abusive, ( i have never layed a hand on my wife) But i have said things that would affect her emotionally and give her doubts about my love for her.I myself am confused as to why this is happening.In my mind i feel like i love her but with all this hatrid and horrible words and lack of attention she has had lately surely this cannot be so or can it?Here is a more Detailed Summary of The Situation:we met online 2 years ago we hooked up in canada everything went great, she wasnt as attractive as i imagined in person as on webcam but we connected none the less.i flew to canada to canada to live and stay there, problems with working and becoming legal became aparrant and the lifestyle i knew and loved started to fall reapidly, she fell pregnant and we conceived.we now have no money between us no income and no life i spend my time sat at home playing computer games till i go back to my home land to earn a good wage before coming back to canada.i feel depressed unhealthy and generally im an asshole. i know this is in my mind and make attempts, but would clearly much rather play a computer game than spend time with my wife and child before i leave the country for 6 months.Surely this cannot be the correct mentality to maintain , but yet again knowing this doesnt help i just find myself unable to control my actions, and fear that while i am in my home country i abandon her if a more desirable life style emerges .i know she has these worries too, she is crying every day and i show no emotion i feel like ending this relationship but i still dont want to lose what i have, she tries to talk to me i ignore her, i can't find words to the questions she asks so a blank face seems to get her away from me.and yet in the next instance i feel remorse and sorry, is it pity? do i pity her? is this why i am still here, do i feel bad that i just got her pregnant and chagned her life forever and feel that i should suffer along with her, when i could be more happy and make her life more enjoyable but seem to always want what i want and nothing else is important, i am selfish and seem to have no morals.i am in so many different states of mind at once its unbarable i don't even know what i am feeling any more, or if i am feeling at allIf anyone has any input that they feel could possibly resolve this tainted soul please respond accordingly.
View related questions:
conceive, depressed, met online, money, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): well you are very confident that back home in the uk you will easily find work and earn money so im left wondering why you dont have the same confidence in your abilities in canada. It sounds to me like you have a great opportunity to make a great life for yourself in a beautiful country. you dont say if your wife worked prior to the birth of your baby, maybe her being at home fulltime is what is building your resentment, its very early days for her and her hormones will be all over without you adding to the problem i dont wonder she is crying a lot, maybe in time you could share the work inside and outside of the home, perhaps taking turns with the childcare this will help strengthen your bond with baby, in an ideal world children would grow up with 2 loving parents who stand side by side in their support for the child, not to grow up in a war zone. there are lots of books available written by men to explain how their own feelings changed when the children came along and they were no longer number one its a massive period of adjustment but hang in there give it your best shot if you truly only feel able to work in your homeland is it perhaps an option to take your wife and child along too it would help her understanding of being away from home and would give you the feeling of self worth you need by knowing you were supporting the family, goodluck keep us posted as to how things turn out :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): You need to find help. Do you have access to counselors (perhaps through a school or religious group)? Do you have family or friends who can help you work this out? Does your wife have a support system that you could tap into?
If you make steps (no matter how small) to get work and make friends with responsible adults in Canada, you may feel less depressed and more connected with your wife.
Having only one person or purpose in your life (baby is too small to count yet) is like trying to lean on a one-legged stool. You need a job, a community, and friends to keep you steady and stable. It's a pity that you're taking your depression out on your little family, but you sound sorry... try to explain to your wife where you stand and how ashamed you are. Explain that it's hard for you to show emotion, and ask for her forgiveness. Then help change the baby's diaper. You'll feel better, even if your wife ends up venting anger at you in turn.
Lay off the computer games, and start looking for the phone numbers of social services, churches, or ethnic associations. Call those numbers, explain that you are newly married with a 1 month old, jobless, isolated, and in trouble. Set up a meeting to talk to someone who can help you or give practical advice. Any Canadians here have suggestions on whom this young man can contact?
Do stick around to see your baby's first smile (around 3-5 months old)at least. She's just a little bologna loaf right now but seeing a baby grow is like falling in love every day, and the most wonderful experience in life bar none. Much better than a computer game. You owe your wife your support at this time, even if giving her love needs work. Do it for your own self-respect at least!
Good luck. This is make or break time, when you discover of what material you are made. You feel like you're faced with a mountain, but little steps one at a time will get you to the top!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Dont worry man - for what its worth you're not alone, i find myself in a very similar situation, but i've gpt about 10 years on you!
First up, you seem to be smart enough to know what your doing and identify why. Kind of like the old if you were crazy you wouldn't know it, so that's a positive.
Hate to say it though, your probably with the wrong woman. seems like you jumped on the first train out of where you were.. which is good for awhile until you gather your thoughts and realise where you're going - and dont like it.
Like the other reply says, you need to make a change, its true if you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always gotten. Since your invested in it now why not try and make a go of it... talk to your partner and lay it all out, no matter how ugly it sounds, sh*t print your question and give it to her. worst case she'll leave, best case she'll help you through it and you might actually find you chose well after all. what have you got to lose? This woman is the mother of your child and like it or not she is now a permanent part of your life, the least you owe her is the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): You think a lot of yourself.
Do you think she would miss someone so abusive? Someone who clearly dosen't want to make the effort, and is hoping a more 'desirable lifestyle' emerges in your homeland.
Other than that, if you can make a bit more effort, you should have a serious talk with her, only after you find out your true feelings. What do you really want out of life? Its not is she in it, its what can you do to make your life better, and explain this to her, and maybe the both of you can go to a better place in your lives together. You must talk things through, being honest solves 90% of relationship problems.
I think you're generally not happy with your life, and your throwing your anger at her. You need to stop doing that, and work very hard at making your life better. Menatlly, financially and emotionally. I don't think this involves running to the homeland either.
You have to believe you can change things around, and you have to have a hope of what you can do, and make things a reality, it takes a lot of effort, but if you can't envision a better life then it won't happen; you won't win the lottery, she won't become stunning, thats not reality, but you have the power to change small things, which all add up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Hi there,
You both sound as though you may be very depressed. It's hard to feel loving towards your partner when you feel in this state. Maybe the 6 months away might do both of you good? I suggest you try not to block her out, instead talk to her and try to be honest about how trapped you are feeling etc, and try to discuss between you what you can do to better your lives.
...............................
|
