A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there.I am a married man and have been married for 14 years. We have a 15-year-old daughter.I had been having an affair with my OW for 2 years now, we even met-up during the pandemic. I met OW via a dating site.Then I moved in with her in January, in her large house. Compared to me, she's much wealthier.I let my wife know over email and she's refused to file for divorce, claiming I should still meet up with her and the kids and get over this midlife crisis.Our affair wasn't just about sex; OW had some sort of qualities that my wife didn't. Not just about looks.My wife didn't want an affair and didn't engage in two can play at that game. Unless it was with this big-name actor who's on TV but that's unrealistic lofty expectations to have.Me and OW had similar sort of personalities, shared interests. Compared to my wife who didn't have such an interest, she did have a shared interest in eating out.Me and my wife have about 2-3 shared interests in common, with this woman it was 6 (7 if you include BDSM).She's 4 years younger than me.OW is rich and from an Indian family. India as in the continent, not First Nations families or Native Americans.I'm a white guy and OW is Indian. But her family are very Westernized.I met her parents. They don't know I'm married.Now me and OW are living together, things have changed. But not too great.Me and OW live 90 miles away from my wife.The biggest flashpoints are chores and what to watch on TV.We're arguing over chores and what to watch on TV. She thinks I'm too perfectionist with chores and I've sometimes thought she ignores them when it's convenient and other times she wants to outsource all chores to someone else.OW really, really wants to outsource all chores because she can afford to and hated doing chores as a kid.But we're in tune on things like food and drink, politics, sex, sexuality. OW is an ardent anti-feminist who thinks many of the feminist protestors don't believe in their cause and just want media attention and she also follows some but not all of Donald Trump's political views. We're not in agreement over Trump; I don't agree with half of his political views.Of course, being in Canada, Trump shouldn't affect us but it does somehow.What to watch on TV has become a battleground too; we do have 3-4 programmes we agree on, but anything else, except maybe for CNN or CTV, we argue over.OW's also started to display some behavior which is perhaps a bit unsettling; walking around in lingerie in the house for me as often as possible. She claims "It's the only way to keep you in the mood, I don't want other guys, just you."Why would she do this? Isn't it just a bit weird and unsettling or creepy?Now I'm questioning the whole thing, go back to my wife or stay with OW.OW does have her good points though; she likes having intelligent conversations that don't just revolve around showbiz or COVID conspiracy theories which my wife's started doing, previously we could discuss intelligent stuff and finances. OW's good with finances, too. My wife's somehow lost interest in that ability and before the affair was spending a lot anyway. If I tried to sensitively discuss it she shouted at me like a kid yelling back at their mom and dad.But on the other hand my wife's still the same gentle and loving woman I was friends with aged 14. To some degree.Unfortunately I think her obsession with conspiracy theory rabbit holes and COVID conspiracy theories and making me both mom and dad to our daughter caused a rift in our relationship that started the affair.I tried to deal with it but it got nowhere.I don't know who I want now, both have good and bad points.At the moment OW seems to be winning, but at times I miss my wife.I'm the bad guy, sure, but I ran from a situation I couldn't escape from.My wife couldn't or wouldn't discuss the problems involved with me and kept going into rants about conspiracy theories and "Own nothing and be happy".I can't seem to find a way out and I want to try and make a change for the better which isn't going to come overnight.BTW, OW means other woman here.My basic question is how can I make a change for the better and know what I want in life?My work life is going well, but this new life doesn't seem to be as good as my old one, but then again the old one wasn't great either.Starting again from scratch is difficult.I don't know where to get help from or who I want in life.Apart from my daughter.Need help here.
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affair, divorce, in the mood, married man, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): I think you should live by yourself for a while and figure this all out. You can't just hop from a marriage, into an affair and then try and restart your marriage because you've got cold feet. You haven't had anytime to actually be alone, and it could be the best thing for you at the moment.
You could get yourself a nice apartment, your daughter could visit whenever and you aren't having this internal battle about your wife vs the other woman. Just chose yourself.
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