A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and I've had an ongoing problem for over 10 years now that is only getting worse instead of better. I get obsessions with guys, usually ones I don't know on a personal level. The most recent one was my last supervisor, for example. I knew him on a professional level, but knew nothing of his personal life. Anyway, I get obsessed with only one guy at a time. I never catch a break, either. The only way an obsession goes away is when it's replaced by an obsession with a new guy. And when I say obsessed, I'm not talking about a normal crush. I'm talking about I think about the guy constantly, and create scenarios in my head with him, usually sexual. Although, there are times when I think of just spending time with him, and doing normal fun activities. Then I feel bummed afterword, because I know the reality is the guy has probably never even given me a second thought. I was wondering if I could get some opinions on why this keeps happening. Maybe giving additional information about myself will help: I've never had much luck with guys. I wasted most of my teens with one guy I really wasn't into. I felt he was the best I could do, though. I've never had where someone I was into was also into me. I always end up attracting guys who I'm not attracted to. There's nothing wrong with them or anything, I just don't feel that way about them. But the ones I like won't even give me a second look. The one time it did happen, I was a nervous wreck. So I made a total fool of myself, and he wound up thinking I was a nutcase. Physically speaking, I don't have much self confidence. I feel I'm ugly most of the time. I think my grin looks creepy, so I avoid it. I smile but don't ever grin, especially for pictures. I don't have bad teeth, but I still hate my grin. I'm 5'4" and weigh around 150, although a lot of it is muscle from working so many physically demanding jobs. I also don't like the way I have to dress and wear my hair for these jobs. I pull it straight back into a bun, because it's the only way to keep it out of my way while working. I don't feel it's attractive in the least, especially on days when I didn't get a chance to take a shower. So guys I work with probably don't know I can look attractive at all, because they've never seen me when I do. On top of all that, I have problems when it comes to sex. I've never had sex for more than a few seconds at a time because it's too painful. I think that's because I've never been into it or relaxed enough, since I've never gotten to do it with someone I'm attracted to. So do I get all these obsessions because I have an itch that was never scratched? Or do I get them because I'm just crazy? What's the deal here? By the way, I never tell them.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 Hi Op…Yes people can tell how you feel just by how you think. Even animals can sense a person’s feelings and react accordingly.Let’s put your mind and the way you see yourself in a woman who is supposed to be sexy…Let’s use a common woman, not a famous person…let’s say a striper in one of those clubs. When she is doing her job, she has to have a certain mind set right? Let’s say she was thinking all negative things about herself and how she looks, cannot find a man, and so on. Do you think she would be able to be sexy and attract costumers? Of course not. If she was thinking like you, she would not be up on that stage at all.When a woman (like a striper) thinks she is sexy and can get any man in that club, her body reacts sexy, she shows her confidence, and men react accordingly. Not telling you to become a striper…LOL. What I am saying is… ALL actions from your body come after thought. You think about getting food to eat first, and your body moves into action. You think negative about yourself and your body reacts in the same way. If someone is thinking of something sad, it shows on their face, their shoulders hunch, their movements are slow, voice is sad sounding, and so on. But see a happy go lucky person…like a cheerleader…they can get a whole stadium of people excited to see them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I'm the poster of this question. Thank you both for your opinions.Male anon: My parents were married, so yes I had a father. But they fought literally all the time, and being around so much negativity was too much for me. I left that house right after I graduated from high school because I couldn't take anymore. If anything, I think my "issues" may have come from my mother if I have to place the blame on a parent. She was responsible for most of their fights. She had HORRIBLE jealousy and insecurity, and was overall grumpy. It was hard NOT to catch her in a bad mood. I remember sometimes being afraid to even ask her a simple question because I was afraid she'd blow up at me. She did that to my father all the time. Maybe that's where my paranoia comes from. I always assume people will be thinking bad things about me, because she did. She's mellowed out a bit now that she's gotten older, but that doesn't change the hurtful things she said. You know, come to think of it, I haven't had many female friends. I also tend to work in male dominated environments. Maybe I lean on men so much for approval, because I subconsciously distrust women. I never talk to women at all, (only if they approach me for some reason), and I never stopped to think about why until now. Do you think that could be it? Brown Wolf: I never thought about people being able to pick up on the fact I don't have confidence. I don't ever express my dislike of my appearance to anyone. I keep that to myself. So I just assume they don't know that's how I feel since they can't read my mind. So people really can tell anyway?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I'd be interested to know if you had an active, involved father figure in your life while growing up.
The armchair psychologist in me suspects your low self-esteem and unrequited need for male attention might be signs of Daddy issues stemming from an absent father.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (20 February 2014):
“I felt he was the best I could do” “I was a nervous wreck.” “I feel I'm ugly most of the time. I think my grin looks creepy,” “but I still hate my grin.” “I also don't like the way I have to dress and wear my hair” “I don't feel it's attractive in the least,” WOW!!! You wonder why you have problems finding a guy? Read what you said about yourself…All that I picked out is from you… not someone who hates you for whatever reason. If all of this is going on in your head, when do you have time to love yourself? If you cannot love yourself, how do you expect others to love you? When you think this negative, it shows in your face, your body language, and the why you carry yourself. Men have eyes, they see this, and stay away. We call it baggage. Our minds can be our greatest tool or our own downfall. Proof… Lock someone in a dark room and make little sounds; that person will think up the worst things in the world that is coming to get them. They will literally give themselves a heart attack, just because they let their minds control them. But they were in no danger at all.Same thing you are doing with your mind when it comes to who you are. Do not like your mind tell you that you are ugly, or anything negative about yourself. I am sure you are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. So smile, grin, laugh, and just love your life and yourself.
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