| A
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Like my name says, I'm disillusioned and confused. I married my wife 27yrs ago and knew she wasn't a virgin. It bothered me at first but after she told me how it happened, I decided to live with it, after all, I also lost my virginity to someone else. About 4yrs ago I had to leave home due to working circumstances and that's where my insecurities began. I work away from home but visit my fam every weekend. By the way we have 3 kids. After the first 3 months I noticed that my wife was not feeling the way I feel about sex, and this bothered me. We will be intimate on a Friday night and then she will cite many reasons why she doesn't want to be intimate on Saturday or Sunday before I leave. We had many a argument about this and I began to suspect her of infidelity. She denied any wrongdoing and I accepted it. After a couple of months I b roke down and asked her if she was seeing someone else to which she angrily replied that she never cheated on me and doesn't intend to. After a while I noticed that she always has her phone on silent and also delete all calls. When I asked her she gave me some dumb excuse about the memory getting full etc. Two years went by with the occassional fight between us. Instead of enjoying time with her we continued to fight whenever I'm at home. I must confess and say that I cheated on her quite a number of times and I'm not sure if my guilt was letting me on into believing that she was cheating. I don't have any proof but somehow I just can't trust her.
View related questions:
cheated on me, infidelity, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really want to thank u good people for the wonderful advice
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what ladies, I think I deserve this "in your face" replies. After reading it, the realization that I am a selfish person is slowly sinking in. CindyCares your advice really means a lot in that u not only putting me in my place but also give me guidance.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 You wonder if she is comparing you to her first lover..?
Naaah. Very,very unlikely .After 27 years ! , she probably barely remembers his name- forget about anything else.
Sex did not fly through the window- you are still having sex once a week which is quite normal for a lot of married couples. And again, in a woman of 46 certain hormonal changes DO start happening , some times ( not always ) they affect negatively her libido.
On second thought, however, I think that your wife's sexual inappetence may be due precisely to the constant arguments between you. For many woman , an atmosphere of tension and strife is the LAST thing they need to feel amorous.
Try start enjoying the time you spend at home with her, instead than nagging her with your suspicions,, and I think you'll see positive changes.
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 All this insecurities you have about your wife has to do with you not her. Your the one cheating! You are away from home and only visit in the weekend can it be that you two are falling apart. So your wife was not a vigin after 27 years of marriage are you really going to throw this in her face and resent her for it. You don't have any proof of her cheating I just think you have a dirty conscious and its all in your head based on your insecurties.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think this is really what I needed - a woman's perspective! Tks to Cindycares and sexlessintheuk, you really brought some perspective to my situation! Perhaps my judgement is clouded and coupled with the guilty feelings I'm way out of order. Please don't get me wrong for what I'm about to say now: Somehow, I allowed the virginity thing to get the better of me, call it pride or ego but its damn humiliating to know you are not the oke to whom she lost her virginity. In my case I went out of my way to satisfy her in all needs. Don't know why but I can't help to wonder if she sometimes thinkl of him or maybe even comparing us! I know it sounds crazy but that's really what goes through my mind. On top of it I bump into her ex from time to time and feels inferior in his presence. Inferior coz all his friends and him are probably laughing behind my back! You may wonder why but its a big thing for us men in SA to admit that someone else slept with your wife first!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTks for ur reply, but let me correct one thing. We only 46 and why should sex fly through the window after so many yrs of marriage? We got married at a very young age that is all. I tried sms's from another phone and she totally freaked out. She did not reply to one of them but did not tell me either. Instead, she confided in my sister. That was very reassuring and maybe I'm making a big fuss over nothing hey? Also, recently I told her that I don't like it when her ph is on silent; she agreed to take it off without any argument. Am I only jealous because of my insecurities or what is wrong with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 March 2011):
I think what you are basing your suspicions upon is way too little for jumping to conclusions. Your perception my be clouded,as you say, by the fear she may do to you what you have so easily and repeatedly done to her in the past. You are judging her by your own meter.
I keep too my phone on silent, and often I forget to switch it back. I also delete all my calls- I am not cheating on anybody and I am not hiding anything from anybody ,it's just a habit, I don't like to see my phone "crowded".
As for her lack of desire,- you have been married 27 years, it's not like you are on your honeymooon and she can't get enough of you. If she is in your age range, she may be in perimenopause ( the years just before menopause ) and feel a physiological decrease in sexual interest. But even without that, once a week is enough for many women.
If you feel you need more sexually, and want her to make more of an effort etc.etc, that's another story, you can talk with her about it. But taking this a sign of cheating, it's premature.
...............................
|
