A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is my fault to a certain level but I feel disappointed in my friend and her boyfriend. A friend of mine (let’s call her Kate) last month did me a big favor (not financial). In order to thank her I told her I’d take out to dinner and pay - we agreed on a lovely restaurant- which is quite pricey but the quality of food is amazing.3 days before our dinner my friend asked if her boyfriend (let’s call him J) could come too as his plans had fallen through - so I agreed - thinking nothing of it and then I decided to bring my fiancé so we’d be a foursome.Once we finished dinner and asked for the bill my friends boyfriend thanked me (prior to me paying) for treating us all to dinner. I was a little taken back as the agreement was for me to pay for just my friends meal- not his or my fiancés.I was put in a really awkward position and the waitress gave me the bill- it was around £180, I can’t afford it. My fiancé bless him, could see what had happened and piped up saying to me “ you just pay for yours and Kate’s as you agreed and J and I will pay for ourselves seeing as we tagged along.”Any way both of them just laughed and didn’t respond to what he said (pretending they didn’t hear) and my friend made an excuse to go to the toilet whilst her BF looked like he was engrossed in his phone. Not to complicate things, I paid the entire bill (when we got home my fiancé transferred me half of it to help me out). As we were leaving they both thanked me for dinner and went on their way.I was just dumbfounded that they behaved like that. We’ve all hung out as a foursome several times and we usually all split the bill equally, so I don’t know why this time they both felt that J should have had his meal paid for, after all- he had nothing to do with my friend helping me out! I keep thinking it’s my fault and that I should have clarified the whose paying for who thing but I just assumed it wouldn’t be an issue- I mean how can anyone assume their meal was being paid for when they did nothing to deserve it? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2022): I don't believe that your friend's boyfriend's plans fell through. I think he heard that you were buying your friend, his girlfriend, a dinner and decided to get in on the act. Otherwise, he would have stepped up to pay for himself esp when your lovely fiancee pointed out that there were no plans for you to pay for everyone. And I can't help thinking that your friend KNEW that her boyfriend was going to be taking advantage of you. And that your friend lied to you, as in, 'my boyfriend's plans have fallen through,' to explain his presence at the dinner.
Unless your girlfriend is dominated by her boyfriend and she felt powerless to stand up for you against him, then I would be questioning your friend's loyalty to you as well.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 May 2022):
 First of all let me just say, your fiancé is a star. You found a good one there. He tried to fix the situation but, when your friend's boyfriend refused to play, he covered his share of the bill himself. He has manners and doesn't take advantage. They are good qualities to have in a partner.
It's often said that people will forget what others did or said, but they will never forget how they made them feel. I suspect you will always remember how you felt when this happened and that is sad because it will have tarnished your relationship with a good friend. In your shoes I would try to get past this by taking it as a life lesson. Next time someone does you a favour, buy them something and give it to them. That way you don't get any nasty surprises. If she is a good friend, don't let this drive a wedge between you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2022): The boyfriend is a freeloader. Sorry but that is the truth. And you were being too soft it paying the whole bill, I would have insisted he paid for himself. Not because I cannot afford to pay for his, but because he is taking advantage and taking the mickey out of you. I would not be at all surprised that he tagged along because of the free meal there. Your boyfriend was a perfect gent, but he should not have to pick up the tab for other people any more than you should.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (27 May 2022):
 I think that you were thrown into this situation at the last minute. You were under the impression that you were just treating your friend to a meal, not her partner as well.
It seems like he just came along for a free meal which is why neither of them responded when your boyfriend said about splitting it. She went off to the toilet, and he was glued to his phone.
Yes he should of payed for his own meal, and your friend could of said something as well but she chose not to.
She is your good friend, so best to keep it that way so i don't think its worth mentioning it to be honest.
What is done is done, and while you not going to mention it you never forget these things and yo have learnt a valuable lesson for if this ever happens again in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 May 2022):
 Thank goodness for your BF having manners and knows how to act!
your friend is an idiot and her Bf is gross.
While it MIGHT have been a good idea to have let her know (when she invited her BF to join) that he was welcome but you wouldn't be paying for him, just HER and you. However, if they usually paid their own way I can see why you didn't. Because anyone with common sense would not EXPECT you to also pay for HER BF who invited himself along! And I'm SURe your friend knows you were treating HER but that you don't have money to throw at an expensive dinner.
I think you should tell her next time, that it really bugged you and that you are somewhat miffed. If she IS a friend you should be able to tell her such.
And then ANY and ALL times you do anything with them as a couple, POINT out that you all will be paying SEPERATELY. Unless she (of course) tells her dolt of a BF to pay you his share.
Some people these days just have no manners or common sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): How awkward! Personally I do feel she took advantage as you did initially uninvited only her to dinner & pay for her meal. If it was me being offered the meal & then my boyfriend tagging along, I’d assume automatically that he’d be paying for himself. But that’s me, I always overthink things.
I’m guessing you are good friends so I wouldn’t bring this up or think about it anymore- it happened - but move on. Just maybe next time she does you a favor buy her something like a bootie of wine or chocolates - something only for her. Treating someone to a meal is a lovely idea but only if there are 2 of you.
Contrary to “wise owl” I do think it was an expensive dinner. I guess “expensive” is what you can personally afford. Lu my your fiancé helped out though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): I should have said:
"You only assume she left the table to go to the bathroom to avoid the check situation. You [can't] be [absolutely] certain of that."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): It seems the whole ordeal worked itself out; although it was a little awkward. Imagine if your boyfriend hadn't tagged along!!!
It would have minimized any awkward or unexpected incident; had you specifically taken your friend out to dinner. Just the two of you!
I don't really think she's totally to blame for her boyfriend being an opportunist; but you did place yourself in the position to be set-up when you didn't specifically indicate you'd only be springing for her alone. You could have told her that, but you didn't. When you offer someone a dinner in repayment of a favor, sometimes it's hard to assess the total cash-value of the favor. She may have felt the favor was worth dinner for both her and a guest; while you thought you were even.
You didn't specify what the favor was, so how can anyone here presume she did anything wrong? You only assume she left the table to go to the bathroom to avoid the check situation. You can be totally certain of that. In any case, you could have pulled her aside and told her that you didn't include a guest. It also depends on what that favor was! You might have underestimated the personal-expense and inconvenience! It must have been a pretty big favor to offer an expensive dinner! £180 is $226.76 in US dollars; and is pretty average for dinner, dessert, and drinks (with tips) for four adults. In all honesty, it could have been much more!
Well, sometimes when you ask for a favor and offer someone compensation; ask what you can do in return then and there. You more or less left her a blank check; when you mentioned no restrictions, or set no limits.
Work-out all the details, because sometimes people will take advantage, or put you on the spot. They may not always keep the deal restricted to the immediate favor; they may include past favors and those to come. If you've been done a host of favors in the past, you've never offered to make up for; well, here it is!
If you have a bug in your bonnet about it, have a little talk with your friend on how it put you on the spot. If that's what it will take to get it out of the way. Personally, I'd let it go. I'm cautious about nickel and diming my friends over favors; because some things they've done for me I can't figure-out how to repay. I don't ask favors for favors; because my favors have no strings attached. I don't lend money, I will help-out with no expectation to be repaid. Depending on the situation and the amount. That's what you do when you feel the friend is worth it; but I wouldn't ask a favor of friend I couldn't really trust to do right by me.
Live and learn. Don't blow this out of proportion; or make too much of a big deal of it. Like I said, speak your peace; and get it out of the way. It's best to let it slide, and avoid offering favors for favors. The person who does the favor may feel it was more of a imposition or inconvenience than you might think.
...............................
|
