A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I didn't mean to make my best friend have this problem and now I feel terrible, I didn't realise what effect my comment had and what she went through before!Over the last two weeks I made a few comments in very obvious jokes! She was making dinner and I said 'Oh eating again, I can see your diet is going well'. I said it in an obvious joke way, then when she said the next day her jeans felt tight I said 'yeah you've gained weight, I didn't want to tell you but it's very obvious you're getting a bit chubby'. And then one evening she went to make food and I said 'you're eating again, is there ever a time you're not eating!'.We always make jokes like this, always personal and we never take it personally, granted I've never made ones about her weight. She's a size 8, so I would have assumed she wouldn't think I was ever serious.. but I've noticed she's taken it to heart and now I think she has an eating disorder...I haven't seen her eat since those comments, there's nothing in her section of the fridge or anything in her food cupboard and hasn't been for about 2 weeks. She even lies and says she's eaten, or got something when she went out and yet those times i've noticed she hasn't even left the flat that day! In fact, we've gone for lunch with friends a few times and every time she's come up with an excuse so she didn't have to go. But the obvious is she has very clearly lost weight too! Even her best friend said she hasn't seen her eat either and noticed she lost a lot of weight and wondered how that's happened so quick..When I casually mentioned I don't see her eat that much anymore, or in the kitchen hardly and lost weight. She said I was right about her having put weight on and eating too much, that she's happy I did because she didn't notice it until I pointed it out. And now she's making sure she doesn't make that mistake again and to get thin again!I don't know what to do, do you think she is starving herself? An be honest, do you think it is because of my comments... i feel terrible knowing she might have developed an eating disorder because of what I said and now she's basically thanking me for it!!?
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Never joke about a woman's weight. It's just too sensitive a subject. Your girlfriend has taken your comments to heart.
Sit down and talk to her about this. Make it clear you think she has no need to be crash dieting like this. Size 8 is already very small.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): You dont insult a girl about their weight. If you tell a girl that isnt obviously skinny or at least really knows she is fine, you will break her. You were just trying to joke, but thats not something to joke about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): OP understand one thing, your comments didn't do shit, it's her weakness and feeble-mindedness that has done this. She was just waiting for an excuse.
That said OP, there are things in life you never joke about or even bring up with women. Weight, cheating, how attractive you find another woman, breasts, asses, promiscuity and appearance. Never ever be honest or joke with a woman about any of those things, in terms of cheating just don't do it.
Only ever discuss them when asked and always lie. "No you're not fat, wow you look great, you're not a slut women are eqauls yada yada"
Women's egos are too fragile when it comes to appearance and public perception, never say anything about it other than to compliment them. If you want a comparison you can relate to then think of how it would feel if in a sexual situation you took out your penis and they laughed or looked disappointed. It's not their fault for thinking that or acting that way or joking about how small it is and it's not their fault if you take it to heart.
None of this is your fault OP, and blaming yourself is not going to help, you didn't push her to do shit she was already thinking those things and idiotically took your jokes as confirmation. Never, ever joke about a woman's appearance or body, they're too fragile about it.
Never ever forget that they're women and there are certain rules as to how you talk to them. No matter how close, how head strong or sarcastic that woman is they all have vulnerabilities when it comes to looks. Just like most men have about penis size.
OP people call me cruel for this view but I have only felt guilty once by accidentally triggering bad or self destructive behaviour in someone. After that I realized it was their weakness and nothing I did to set them off and as such couldn't give a damn what they do to themselves I refuse to accept culpability for another's weakness. I have never blamed anyone for mine.
You were an idiot to cross those lines but you wouldn't have if you'd known so don't feel bad.
Sit her down and have a serious chat with her. Don't put this in a negative light or you'll just feed into it. I had an ED ex and nothing but a positive discussion does any good. Don't apportion blame on either you or her or you'll just make her feel bad. If you call yourself stupid or talk about how you feel bad etc then the focus of the entire conversation becomes about you, a pity party for you where she has to comfort you, screw that OP. What you need to do is sit her down and tell her you've noticed she's been on a diet and ask her what her goals are. What's her end game here, is it a certain weight, a certain dress size, improved fitness and health, what?
Do your homework about starvation dieting, about it's yo yo effects and do quite a bit of research on the proper way to get fit and healthy and how that's better than "skinny". OP the only way I ever got through to my ex was by guiding her in the right way to go about things and making that sound like the easier faster option and helping her do that. Your friend is very open to suggestion, so while she may initially refuse if you push her enough times she'll probably come around.
Just remember OP you don't have to and cannot "fix" her. It's not your place to do so either, all you can do is guide her to do things the right way and give her plenty of positive reinforcement through compliments when she does things right.
Other than that leave her alone, you didn't break her you can't fix her all you can do offer little tips here and there.
Someone used the example of Karen carpenter, well she fucked herself, her family, friends, loved ones did everything they could and it didn't work. None of them were responsible for her own choices. It was her weakness that killed her unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Uhm yes, it is all because of your comments, that much is quite clear.Don't you know that commenting on someones weight (especially a female) is insensitive and will create a problem. You can't just tell a woman that she is eating toomuch and getting "chubby"! You just don't say things like that. Even though you guys usually joke in a personal way, there are certain things you don't refer to in a joke. The fact that you kept repeating the fact that she eats alot and is getting fat made her feel like crap. Im sure the first joke she really took as a joke but its probably when you kept repeating the contents of your joke but in similar approaches, that's when she started to believe it.What's worse than having someone poke you repeatedly with a stick? Let's assume this stick is your jokes. Its not very nice on your part to do that to a friend. I say you should apologize to this friend of yours (even though an apology won't make her feel less fat). Goodluck fixing this
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Sorry, but you should feel terrible. You told someone who is a size 8 that she's chubby? You should look up Karen Carpenter and find out the result of someone who said she was "chubby".
She killed herself through anorexia, meaning she didn't eat.
You never joke about weight. Never. Not ever. If you ever feel the need to make it a gag, go run 10 miles on a treadmill and let the pain straighten your head.
For the record, I'm all about health, fitness, and not putting crap into your body. But do you have any idea how much more dangerous it is to starve yourself? Permanent organ damage! Your comments about always seeing her eat?? Bad idea buddy. People *SHOULD* eat! But it's their choices about what they eat! If you were seeing her stuff her face all day with McDonald's Greasy Meals or Ultra Diabetes Pizza or Burger King Cholesterol Special on a daily basis, that's one thing. But she must have *loved* you. Not in a romantic way, but you had serious influence.
Karen Carpenter practiced anorexia for years, culminating in hospital visits until her organs couldn't take it anymore and shut down. Some critic's thoughtless comments.
You need to make it right as sincerely as you can, and if you were joking and didn't mean it, SAY SO! If she was getting chubby legitimately, telling someone they "EAT TOO MUCH" is so fricken dangerous! It's not about eating too much... it's about not eating RIGHT and not moving your body! Couch potatoes really get into trouble because their cardiovascular systems get assaulted. People need to eat on a regular basis. Food is fuel! Telling someone they "eat too much" is like denying your car its fuel. Eating *RIGHT* is the proper view. Alcohol, smoking, grease, sugar, lack of vitamins, drinking way too much Mountain Dew or indulging in 500-calorie Caramel Mochas at Starbucks on a daily basis?
If there is one subject you never joke about with a woman, it's weight. That would be like a woman joking about a man's penis size or man boobs. If she made a thoughtless comment about you having micropenis or your hairline, it would get to you. She was a size 8! I don't know how tall she is, but that could very well be normal for her!
Make it right, and spend a lot of time doing so. You may save her life because Anorexia has a cumulative effect. If you really were joking to mask a sincere concern about her health, it would have been better to have offered to be her workout buddy instead, or taken her out to a whole foods restaurant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Your joke turned from teasing to badgering. If you are persistently commenting on her weight and eating, how is that a joke? That is very personal and bordering on abusive.I wouldn't say she had it in her to have an eating disorder; but she would wonder if what you see is what everyone else sees. It may not be the first time she has heard remarks regarding her eating or weight, and women are very sensitive about their body image. Especially when the insensitive comments about her weight is coming from a guy!You've made her self-conscious about eating around other people. That is pretty much the response you'd get from anyone, if you were hounding them about their eating habits.Now you have to go an undo the damage. You and one of her close girlfriends can approach her. You will have to apologize and tell her that you've noticed that you haven't seen her eat since your comments, and you're concerned about her "feelings." Observe from afar. Don't appear over-concerned; because you'll make her even moreself-conscious, if she feels everyone's watching her.Don't expect immediate change; because you don't know how deeply your cruel comments may have resonated and corroded her self-esteem. It may be reaching a little far to say she has developed an eating disorder. Something may be wrong, only if the weight-loss makes a drastic change in her appearance.Hopefully she may only have taken the comments to mean it was time for some weight-loss, and your guilt may be blowing this out of proportion. Only be concerned if you notice her clothing becoming unusually loose, her face is drawn and pale; or she appears gaunt and skinny. Look into her eyes, are they hollow and somewhat sunken? If she is rapidly losing weight in an unusually short period of time. You had better alert someone in her family to help her.An apology may be all she needs.
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