A
male
age
36-40,
*Scooter43
writes:My cousin, Brooke, came out of the closet a few years ago, and her parents stop all communications with her. Brooke had to go to therapy due to the depression she had, which her parents were mostly to blame. Her own mother told Brooke "As far as I am concern, you are dead. Don't ever contact me again". So I move to a new city, that they always wanted to visit. They called me and asked if they could come visit and I told them "Due to how you have treated your own daughter and how cruel you are towards her, I do not feel comfortable having you in my house.". I told Brooke what happened and told me how thankful she is that I have her back. The problem is did cause a debate in my family about what I told them (my parents, most of my cousins and a few of my aunts and uncles agreed with what I said). A few of my aunts and uncles have said that "I need to respect my elders and not talked to them like that". Did I do anything wrong? Was there a better way to tell them "no, you can't stay in my house"?
View related questions:
cousin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 August 2021):
 Before even debating whether or not everyone deserves your respect without having to earn it, let me just say that the way in which you responded was very respectful. I'm from a family that can also be a bit much when it comes to matters like that. It's not that your answer was disrespectful, it's that your answer wasn't the answer that they wanted. They wanted a yes and you gave them a no. I know plenty of elders who actually lack boundaries and when you attempt to enforce any, you're automatically labelled rude and disrespectful. No one on planet earth is entitled to a "yes" all the time. They're not entitled to your money, your time, occupying your space or anything else. So first and foremost, you're not wrong because you were NOT disrespectful with your response. Secondly, I think that if you don't want people in your space who do not hold your same set of values, don't know how to act right or treat others with respect, you have every right to stand up for what you believe in. Elder or not, they should not feel entitled to being in your space for any amount of time regardless of how badly they want to come through. There are other options. It's 2021. You should not have to feel bad and frankly the fact that you're here asking this question makes me feel bad for you because you're now being taken on a guilt trip. You're grown... You can make your own decisions without having to explain yourself. Honestly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2021): You're practically 40 years old! You can be frank with your elders without being disrespectful. You didn't say anything wrong; but it would be difficult to open my home to anyone who could disown their own flesh and blood. Their own child!
If she has done something totally despicable or dastardly; I'd have to love her from a distance, but disowning and totally turning my back might be going too far. Even God Almighty, our Heavenly Father can forgive a murderer! She's gay, and God forgives anybody who comes to Him in sincere and humble repentance; no matter what they've done, or who they are. It's not up to us to judge people and condemn them.
I can understand people rejecting what they consider an unacceptable lifestyle or habit. Jesus tells us to love the sinner and hate the sin. That translates to not accepting any behavior you don't feel comfortable with morally, religiously, or spiritually; but you still must show all human beings love. You must love your neighbor as yourself; and nowhere does the Bible cherry pick any particular sin that you reject people in condemnation; while you'll put-up with a long list of everything else. Our parents want certain things for us; but they can't dictate to us how we live or what we do. Let them cast the first stone, if they're so perfect and unblemished!!!
Now consider that they're old-school. They come from an era where you throw people away or hide them; if they suffer from mental-ness, have a child out of wedlock, or have bi-racial parents.
This is just me, but I would have seen this as a golden-opportunity. I would have told them, I would welcome them with open-arms; but I would love to invite their daughter to broker a reconciliation between them. How could you go wrong being a peace-maker? If they'd still withdraw their request to visit; then you're in the clear.
Invite your cousin for a visit; and send them some lovely pictures to remind them of whom and what they're missing.
Godly-love doesn't turn on and off like a water faucet. If you can be so cold as to cut-off your love from your own child; who hasn't hurt anyone, isn't a criminal, and loves you. What kind of human being are you? Someday they'll stand before Jesus Christ, in the Judgement Seat; and have to answer that question. If He can forgive me of anything, and He said so in writing. Who am I not to love and forgive anybody else? You don't have to agree to, or accept her gay-lifestyle; but you still have to love her as God our Father and Jesus loves you.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (17 August 2021):
 I do not think that you did anything wrong whatsoever, infact it shows that you are a person who stands up for what you believe in.
You felt right saying what you did, you said it in a polite way and got your point across, and i disagree with the comment that you disrespected your elders, as you absolutely never.
Most of you family agree with what happened, so don't feel bad about it.
Well done for standing up for your cousin, the world needs more people like you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 August 2021):
 In my book, you EARN respect, not demand it. You do not automatically OWE someone respect, just because they are family, or just because they are older than you, especially when you are an adult yourself.
Your aunt and uncle acted horrendously towards their own daughter. They do not deserve your respect. You were perfectly within your rights to tell them exactly why they were not welcome in your home.
Brooke is lucky to have you fighting her corner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 August 2021):
 While I think it's good to respect one's elders, they get respect when they are RESPECTABLE. Not because they are OLDER than you.
I think what you said was polite enough. Could you have "dressed it up in more flowery prose"? Sure, but what is the point? You said exactly how you felt, you didn't call them names or created drama online, you told them on the phone call.
Should you have sucked it up and let them visit? Absolutely not. Those family members who didn't like it, can go visit that town and show these people around!
Brooke's parents made a choice to cut her out of their lives, you made the choice to not host them.
The uncles and aunts who did not like what you said are right to their own opinion, and SO are you.
Kudos for standing up to your cousin. It's 2021, not the 1930's.
...............................
|
