A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend had a crush on someone else when we started seeing each other. he never told me, but i found out from mutual friends of theirs that he had feelings for her, and that he had told her so, shortly after we got together. i had asked him about her, and he inferred that SHE had a crush on HIM - i believed this because we were at the beginning of our relationship and i thought he only had eyes for me.not long after we started seeing each other, i fell pregnant. i decided to have the baby, regardless of what that meant to our relationship. he decided to stay with me and wanted be a family together.i've been plagued with insecurities ever since finding out about this crush, worrying that i'm his second choice, or that he may only be with me for our child. what if she had returned his feelings when he told her, way back at the beginning of OUR relationship?i've brought up my insecurities with him before, and he always says she's not the type he'd choose to have a relationship with. but he's never explicitly said he chooses ME. he remains friendly with her, but he tries to keep me and her apart. he doesn't tell me when he's in contact with her, and says it's because he doesn't want to upset me. i try to explain that hiding it is what upsets me.i hate that i can't let this go. i feel ugly and anxious at the mere thought of her. i'm always wondering if i'm pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough to my boyfriend. i sometimes get stuck imagining he is thinking about her, wishing i was her, etc.it's tearing me to pieces. i can't concentrate on everything that is good in my life, because i'm so focused on this idea that i'm not good enough. i'm absorbed with the thought that he's only with me for our child. can anybody suggest how i can let it go, and learn to love myself and trust that we're a family?
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male
reader, gazs  +, writes (12 December 2008):
hi being a lad I know the little tricks we pull. im sorry but you deserve better. from getting with your boyfriend you have been the second choice. if he had feelings for the girl before you, he will have the same feelings for her. know hes trying to hide them by being with you. he could of grew to love you over time, but from what you say about him keeping you two apart hes keeping you both on a string but keeping you closer, as you are having his child. as you said she isn't relationship material, BUT you are as he is having the relationship with you but that is not stopping the lust he feels for her. do not let him play you off against each other, but do not be paranoid about it make him give u a choice you are having his baby if he loves you enough he will forget about her.
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (12 December 2008):
 Sometimes, having a child can make us feel differently about how we see a lot of situations. Don't forget, you don't really know your partner that well, it's still a relatively new relationship so you have that to deal with as well as your child and it's a lot to be dealing with. Hopefully if the fathers input is good youre relationship will grow because you have a common interest in the raising of the child. If you have no grounds of proof that he is actually seeing another woman then you must be strong and let it go and concentrate on your relationship. Don't let doubt ruin what could be a happy time. Bringing a child up together can be one of the most rewarding experiences that any one could have and I hope that you both can do this for the sake of that child. hope this helps.
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