A
female
age
30-35,
*elp2012
writes:Hi everyone, I would like some advice pls.I've been dating a wonderful guy for 15months whom im due to have a baby with. Hes 18 and me - 19. We began dating in our last year of secondary school.. had our ups and downs but I do feel like hes the one. Anywho, when I found out I was pregnant he was excited! But im worried hes only stuck around becos im pregnant(due baby in may). He tells me all the time he loves me and wants to stay with me forever, I kind of believe him, he doesn't give me any reasons to doubt him but I find it hard to come to terms with him knowning at 18 he wants to be with only me, he was my first EVERYTHING.. but I know for now he is all I want.. he has dated at least 7 girls before me and says he wants to settle down with me. I want to get married in a few yrs but he doesn't want to AT ALL.. I hope he will change his mind in a few yrs cos I want to..we're gonna be a family soon and id like our baby to have a stable home. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): The sad truth is that your both still young at 18 and 19, and by the time you get to 22 and 23 you will both be very different people. Possibly you will both mature in the same direction but the chances are that by your early to mid 20s you will both have very different outlooks on life. As you move from your teenage lives and relationship into adult lives and responsibility you may, sadly, find you both drift away from the stability you need. You need to bear in mind that he can walk away from the situation but you can't. You need to ensure child support plans are ready. Sorry if my response is not too positive but bringing a baby into this world is a huge responsibility. One that requires financial and emotional stability as well as maturity and a settled couple who are past the "honey moon" period of people who have been together a matter of months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): "I want to get married in a few yrs but he doesn't want to AT ALL.. I hope he will change his mind in a few yrs cos I want to..we're gonna be a family soon and id like our baby to have a stable home."Unfortunately, you've got it backwards. The best way for a mother to provide a stable home for her baby is by knowing in advance that the father genuinely wants to stay with her forever and have children together, sentiments traditionally best expressed by getting married before getting pregnant.Given that you two started dating at school, that you had only been dating for about eight months when you became pregnant, that your relationship is apparently volatile (otherwise you wouldn't be having ups and downs), that all he's given you are meaningless assurances with no tangible evidence of commitment, sadly I'd say that the chances you will last as a couple for any length of time are remote at best.Since you aren't married, all you can do is prepare for the worst-case (and most likely) scenario by making sure you legally establish paternity through DNA testing as soon as possible and have court-approved agreements regarding child support, visitation and custody in place."I find it hard to come to terms with him knowning at 18 he wants to be with only me,"A legitmate concern, just as valid as fearing that at 18 he's not ready to be tied down with a kid, because he probably isn't which is why he is likely to quickly bail on you and why you need a pre-emptive DNA test to preclude a back-pedaling baby daddy's all-too-common whine: "How do I know it's mine." Sorry to be so harshly pessimistic, but first-time parenthood is daunting (to say the least), given your circumstances you are going to find your self ill-prepared and unready for the constant, overwhelming, unrelenting, all-consuming, thankless drudgery and hard work that comes with bringing a screeching squalling kid into the world. Hopefully you have a support system in place beyond baby daddy. You're probably going to need it.
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reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 It seems possible that your insecurities are caused by him saying your the one for him but him not wanting to get married. That would give you an obvious reason to doubt him because one position obviously conflicts with the other. However, I think you might be making a mountain out of a molehill, at your age a slight reluctance to entertain marriage doesnt necessarily equate to a lack of love for you.
Rather than try and bury your concerns and let them eat away at you I think you need to rationalise and acknowledge them so you can move on from them. I dont see any evidence that you have anything to fear here as things stand, indeed, quite the reverse, he obviously has had previous experience with other relationships and found something in you that makes him want to commit to you so take the positive from that and allow yourself to be happy. Good luck :)
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