A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK - after reading all the other posts and trying to compare mine with others - I could not! So, here I go.I have been in a very sexually active relationship with my current wife of over 13 years especially when we have been together for well over 17 all together. We met when we were both 19. She had just ended a long term high school relationship of almost 4 years with a boyfriend that they had planned to get married. During her rocky relationship with him they broke up and broke back in many times. During those separations she had slept with other guys totaling almost 5 others. So, before she met me, she had been with (sexually) 6 guys. When we met, she was very open about her past as I was stupid enough to ask. DUH! Now I knew too much. Overall I had been with 1 other girl. I was not a very social person when i was growing up. Really only 3 or so girlfriends. Well, we eventually started hanging out all the time and then we finally had sex for the first time. She was ecstatic and I was too (because it was amazing - or so I thought at the time)We moved in with each other, got married, had wonderful children. Have a GREAT relationship. She is my best friend. No matter what. We have a very sexually active life. No problems there. But from time to time (thanks to FACEBOOK) I am reminded of some of her past guys she has slept with because they either email or try to communicate with her. It eats me up inside. To know she has been with another guy ( or 6) before. As I read through all the posts on dearcupid.com, should I not let it bother me? Should I not feel as bad as the other guys who's GF's had 30+ partners, Threesomes, etc? Was she rather tame compared to other promiscuous girls in their high school years?Should I feel grateful that she has now decided to do all her CRAZY sex endeavors with me instead of those stupid high school boys???Please help me with some advice. I love her dearly and we get along so well all the time. Man - we just came back from the Adult Entertainment Expo in Vegas. So you know we have fun together. Should I be glad that she did none of this with the other guys....How do i deal with it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): You're just one of the guys that care about their woman's past.
The majority of all the males I have ever known has these feelings too, but the sexual revolution says they're abnormal so I guess I'm supposed to believe that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I think so many men feel this way. I know I do.
I was also dumb enough to ask about my partners past just because I'm curious in nature then I get mad when she's honest with me. It eats me up inside to where it consumes me and I start imagining the worst things.
It's magnified whenever her ex's contact her too. It took some long discussions but in the end she changed her number and I have never had the facebook problem; but a blocking method would do the trick.
Just think of how to lovingly carefulLy tell her this. You don't want her to confuse this with jealousy or insecurity. That happened in my situation. At first she thought I was jealous, then insecure. That's not it. I don't think she would ever cheat on me, or that her ex's are better; it just bothers me that the woman who completes my soul is being bothered by two idiots that hurt her in the past. Also, most ex's only communicate because:
a. They are bored with thier own lives
b. They want something...
So it seems like you have a great relationship. Explain all this to her calmly and ask how she would feel if she were in your shoes.
If she loves you, like I'm sure she does, she needs to understand how you feel and make an effort to help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Since she was honest with you at the beginning it seems like she is really into you and you should have nothing to worry about.
Some questions you should ask yourself are:
- Is she trying to reconnect with her past guys on more than a friendship level? If not, it's normal to be cordial with your past lovers, so there is nothing to be jealous of there. Also there is a reason why she is with you! You are way cooler and probably better in bed than them...so too bad for the other guys.
- Is your competitive nature making you feel inadequate because you slept with less people than she did? We can't change our past, and you should be lucky you found her early in your life. It seems that you have a great thing going, and what happened in the past is the past.
There is nothing to worry about here and you should channel your attention on something else, like, teaching your kids what happens if you put a Mentos in a 2-liter Pepsi bottle.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 January 2010):
Everybody has a past. I think if she is so sexually adventurous with you, its a good thing that she had some experiences before, that have shown her how much better YOU are. If she is adventurous without having some prior experiences, who is to say that right now she wouldn't be craving to step out on you to see what is out there? You have a family with her now but you are going to spoil a good relationship by acting paranoid about things that happened almost 20 years ago. You need to accept her as she is and focus only on your marriage and your children. What you two have built over 2 decades can come crashing down in one day, so get out of your own way. Every time the negative thought gets into your mind, just push it out and focus on more positive things. It isn't unreasonable to ask her to cut off comms with the ex if it will help you stop feeling lousy. Just tell her that part but don't drag her through the mud because it will destroy the trust she has for you.
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