A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dating and making decisions... Need advice! I am on a dating site. I agreed to meet two men on there. One I have been writing to for a few days, and we share the same goals in life, he is very handsome, and I can see a future with a man like him. He wants kids, works as a lawyer, has a house, athletic body. On paper he is perfect, and our conversation so far has been good. Then I got a message from guy number two, who I instantly clicked with. He was just very funny, and he asked me to meet up right away. I checked his profile, and we have several major problems. He doesn't know if he wants kids (so probably not), lives on his boat (and I get sea sick easily), smokes (hate it), and he is allergic to dogs (I have a dog). But I agreed to meet him, thinking what harm can it do to go out and just have a good time?What I didn't expect was that guy number two totally swept me off my feet. He was interesting, funny, unbelievably charming and sensual, and we ended up talking and laughing for 7 hours. He spontaneously kissed me during our date, and I never kissed someone on the first date before, but it felt 100% natural and he is a very good kisser....! I just wanted more, and had this instinctual drive to be closer to him. Now, I am totally confused!!! I haven't had my date with guy number one yet, and feel awkward about what to do. I don't feel like I should cancel the date, I mean I barely know guy number two after all! And what was an instant connection, who knows if it would be the same next time we meet? Besides, guy number two is of the sorts I just know my mom would not like me being with, my mom wants to see me with a guy exactly like guy number one. And I know Im probably overthinking this, but there was just this something about guy number two, and about the way he touched me, the way he kissed me, that made me feel like nothing I have felt before. Which is so odd, because he is practically a stranger...! Dear cupids... Please help me figure out what this means. I know, in my heart, that if I meet guy number two again, and if the connection is the same as the first time, I will fall head over heels for him, and there will be no turning back. Should I forget him and focus on my date with mr. Perfect on paper? Guy number two wants to meet again soon, but I have told him I am busy for the weekend (which is true, I just didn't tell him I am busy because I have a date with mr. Perfect on paper)PS. I am not entirely sure I actually want/am ready for the total package of house and kids, but the pressure is on me from my family... So making a different choice is very difficult!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 September 2016):
 Thanks for the update, sorry it didn't pan out.
You "win" some, you lose some.
Both were good men, just not a GOOD match for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately, after a few more dates, I came to the conclusion to stop seeing him. He came to my place the other day to watch a movie, I had the dog with someone else, had vacuumed, and he was on allergy pills. Still, he got completely out of breath and was in discomfort. So much for my plans of having him spend the night. And me spending the night as his is also difficult because of the dog, I can't just leave it alone at home all day and all evening/night. And the times I don't have the dog on weekends/weekdays is not often... So, I just thought it would be best to end this before it gets more serious.
A bit sad, but I know we'd both just get hurt if we ended up having feelings for one another and never being able to spend more than a few hours together after work and hardly ever having a sleep-over. It's certainly not the type of relationship that would work for me.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 It sounds like things are off to a great start, hopefully now he can quit smoking. Try and support him through it as it is a hard habit to break. Hopefully it continues to go well for you, it is nice to hear a happy ending.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSecond date with #2 was just as amazing as the first time, except this time we said good-bye at a reasonable hour. Went to his boat ;) He put his arms around me, and I just didn't want to leave at all, haha, it felt so nice and comfortable. He said it was like magnetic, that he couldn't let go of me. Charmer. He also said he had talked about me to his friend, that there was something about me that was just stuck in his head...
Then we met again this morning before work (late shifts). His kisses are still great, he took an allergy pill for the dog, and he's at least not smoking on our dates! Today I could taste it, so made a comment, and I think he knows I mean business: quit smoking or no more kisses.
Fourth date is already planned for a couple of dates, and the fifth date too. By this point I think it's fair to say we're seeing each other, although no label yet, it's still too early for that. But Im not agreeing to more dates with others, and I messaged the lawyer today and told him thanks for a good date, but that the chemistry wasn't there.
Here I come adventure!
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 September 2016):
At least you went on the date and where not left wondering what if. Good luck with your second date with guy 2.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): Nice! I was rooting for #2 all along :) Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2016):
Well, #1 was a dud in the match in reality. Like you thought he was "too good to be true". Which I'm not surprised over really, he is a successful lawyer, that takes confidence and self-assurance, which can come off as arrogance. Think about it, his work is trying to make events into "black" and "white".
Going on more dates with #2 I don't see as a problem. Now you may WANT someone that you can have a future with, sometimes relationships are more of an experience. He may NOT be you next long term partner, but... he MAY be.
Just try and be realistic with what you want and what HE can offer - what he wants and what YOU can offer.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 I think you should wait for a new batch of guys, even if that takes time. If at age 30 you are not sure if you want the whole package of house and kids, then maybe you shouldn't pressure yourself to have them because it may make you settle for someone who doesn't make you happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS. I talked to my mom and step-dad about this, and they were so curious about #2 that they went down to the harbor to get a sneak peak at him and the boat. I haven't even been down there myself yet, but they were so curious about the boat! My step-dad said I should most definitely go for #2 because life is short and time should be spent with someone who makes you laugh and who you can experience life with, even if it will not last a lifetime. Also, he wants to be able to borrow his boat, lol. A boat is better than free legal advice, according to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, if anyone wanted to know how it went, here it is! #1 was a gentleman, the type to hold the door, buy the drinks and he even walked me home to make sure I got home safe. Outgoing and friendly, and it started off pretty well with lots of laughter and things to talk about. I did, however, notice that he didn't ask very much about me, and when I tried to steer the conversation on to more serious topics he was a bit judgmental of the bat. Like, he didn't ask me about it, and just went straight into assuming a negative quality about me. Which I did not like at all, of course, that sort of initial negative assumption is what makes it hard to open up to someone later on.
So, lots of great qualities, but I also noticed how he didn't like to try new foods, and was very skeptical when I mention something that I enjoy eating, that he hasn't ever tried before. As opposed to being excited about discovering a new and possibly delicious dish. So a few drawbacks, and unfortunately they just made me think "well, guy #2 most definitely would have enjoyed trying a new dish/didn't judge me off the bat".
I haven't made up my mind completely, but guy #2 did ask to meet me again and I have agreed to a second date. And then we will see if #1 asks me out again or not. But honestly, I don't have the feeling that he will, because we didn't have any sparks flying and no initial chemistry. Just friendly and nice conversation. I got the feeling Im not the type of woman he is looking for, and he even went quiet during parts of our date, like having nothing he wanted to ask me about/tell me about.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 September 2016):
GL on date with #1 !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, I am taking it to heart. I needed to hear this. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and going back and forth in my mind. I think you are right, mr. good on paper scares me, because there is this thing about too good to be true. Also, if he's actually everything he appears to be, and we end up hitting it off, it would be a serious relationship. I guess I was a bit nervous of things getting too serious too soon, and mr. living on a boat is the exact opposite of all this seriousness. So I could relax more around him and not worry, you know?
Mr. good on paper also has a child from a previous relationship, and is just very "grown up" already. I made the mistake of googling him, and now Im really nervous about our date!! Because apparently he's not just any lawyer, but some amazing lawyer who got head hunted for very big jobs and is already a partner at his firm. He's just 4 years older than me, but I've gotten no where near where he is career wise. Mr. living on a boat was more at "my level" if you know what I mean.
But I keep reminding myself that after all, mr. good on paper was the one who contacted me, and he's the one who asked ME out, not the other way around.
Our date is in two hours now, nervous/excited! Have to figure out what to wear......
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 September 2016):
Number #2 is a waste of your time, no matter how yummy and amazing that first contact was.
He would be a "fixer-upper" for you. Think about it. So many things HE or YOU would have to change. Would you give up your dog? Should he give up living on a boat?
Doesn't mean he is a "bad" guy but he would be a bad match for you, IMHO
Guy #1? Hard to say as you haven't met him yet. But I think the fact that he is SO good on paper made you kind of run right into the "arms" of the guy who wasn't. Because? How often have you come to know that there IS such a thing as ... too good to be true. And maybe you are "sabotaging" yourself here a bit because you feel pressured to start dating and a family.. #2 might be a hot SHORT lived fun thing, but he would also be the reason to avoid being serious with #1.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 September 2016):
You have only met guy number 2 once, so yes you should go for your dad with guy number 1. It is still early days so you are doing nothing wrong by keeping your options open. You talk a lot about pressure from your family, and the type of guy your mum wants you to be with, but you must please yourself not your family. Therefore you choose the guy you feel the most connection with, it is your life nobody else's. Good luck with date number 2!
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2016):
Tell guy no. 2 that he has to quit smoking if he wants to keep seeing you (which I doubt he would do) and that he would need to take allergy medicine because you are not going to just hang out as his place all the time. If he takes the allergy medicine then you would agree to take the sea sick medicine. His response would show you how much you mean to him besides the initial chemistry.
Go on a date with guy no. 1 but try your best to erase your memory of guy no. 2 because you would expect fireworks too, then get disappointed if guy no. 1 is too gentlemanly and respectful for your taste.
Guy 2 is fun for the moment but you know there's not much of a future. For guy 1, you can have all these things but you can still go at your pace.
You know what, I've had first date kisses half of the time, and they don't mean anything more than a tingling sensation, faster heartbeat and getting wet down there. If you look at the big picture, these bodily reactions seem insignificant. It surely feels good to feel alive, to feel the animal instinct, to feel desired. After a while these things seem overrated. Guy 2 won't be charming and exciting after a while, I would give it 1 year max if you're lucky.
If you want to get it out of the system with Guy 2, then it's going to spoil it with Guy 1 because he would seem so dull in comparison. In selfish individuals, Guy 1 is husband material while Guy 2 is the affair guy. In a world where you care about people's feelings you can't have it both ways.
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