A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and things between us are great. We get along, we make eachother laugh, the sex is great and we are happy together. So whats the problem, right? The problem is- He's extremely attractive. I on the other hand, am not. When we are in public, or see pictures of us together I feel like every one is thinking 'what is he doing with her? He could do so much better'... Which I'm guilty of aswell... When I see a hot guy with an ugly girl-- I judge. (yet when i see a hot girl with an ugly guy I rarely think twice)It also doesn't help that every one of his exs range on a sale of 1-10 at 8's and 9's while I'd rate myself generously at a 6. I beat myself up knowing I'm by far the ugliest girl he's ever dated. I know we all have insecurities but this is really driving me mad. I literally feel guilty for being less attractive than he is. I feel like I should end this now because I know he could do so much better, rather than wait for him to wake up one day n realize it too.What do I do? Am I being shallow? Too insecure? What's your view on dating guys 'out of your league'? And comparing yourself to previous girlfriends?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): Remember hun, nobody's forcing him to be with you! He CHOSE himself to be with you.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 April 2011):
 If he likes you the way you are, you should like yourself too.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Too insecure. Look, we all know guys are visual, and a bit shallow.
Most likely, he thinks you're really hot, or he wouldn't be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): You've got a self-esteem issue. That's normal, but you have to get over it. First of all, while there are certain people who *everyone* will think is attractive, and certain people who *everyone* will find unattractive, the truth is that most of us fall in between. Have you ever been talking to a friend and comment about how good someone looks only to have the friend say something like, "Eh, he's okay"? If you do any real research, or even observation, you'll see that attraction is based on chemistry, which is impossible to predict. Sure, physical attraction is important, especially at the outset, but since you've dated as long as you have I suspect he was, and is, physically attractive to you. I've broken up with women before only to have friends say, "She's hot man, what are you thinking?" The answer was that I just didn't like her. If you really believe he's out of your league, looks-wise, then what you've found is a good man who doesn't care about what others think and is his own man (or you're just more attractive than you think). I would encourage you to stop worrying about what others might think and continue to be the woman he's obviously attracted to. But if you let self-esteem make you clingy, needy, or start treating him like you don't deserve him, it will get on his nerves and that's what will drive him away.It's hard to do, I know, but you have to stop believing you're not worthy and just accept the fact that you're probably more attractive than you give yourself credit for, and regardless, he's attracted to you. I used to believe that I wasn't attractive and that caused me to have lower self-esteem, which resulted in women not interested in me after the first date. I always thought it was looks. However, after college, advanced education, etc., when I finally succeeded from a professional standpoint I started getting women more and more attracted to me. It wasn't my status or money, because I'm always sort of private about that as long as I can be, but I realized it was the self-confidence. After I started acting like I was a catch instead of acting unworthy, it seemed I had more people chasing me. I don't say this to sound arrogant, my point is that how you feel about yourself carries over into how others perceive you physically. I've had women tell me they first noticed me because I looked like I was "in charge" when they walked into a room, or because I walked in somewhere looking like I owned the place.The bottom line is that you're more attractive than you believe, or you wouldn't have gotten him in the first place. If you lose him it will probably be because you sold yourself short on self-esteem. If you've got the perfect guy, then you have conquered every woman he's not interested in. Make him feel like he's the winner too for getting you before anyone else did.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 "The problem is- He's extremely attractive. I on the other hand, am not."
Good for you! You got a great guy to enjoy, even if you wouldn't like to enjoy someone who looks identical to yourself... Good thing you don't have to then! As for him, I am guessing he enjoys what you have to offer very much since.. well he's been sticking around hasn't he? Gotta be a reason for it. Where's the problem with that?
"When we are in public, or see pictures of us together I feel like every one is thinking 'what is he doing with her? "
YOU feel like everyone is thinking that. You.... just you. Unless you are telepathic, you can't possibly know what others think. They probably couldn't care less. You'd be amazed at how little interested strangers are in other strangers. And if anyone should think anything.. well who cares? They would probably only be jealous if anything.
You are being shallow. You think everyone else judge because you judge yourself. But how you judge others is on a shallow level, and so you judge yourself on an equal shallow level. Your guy apparently finds himself too good to be bothered with immature games or being shallow, he looks beyond that. Maybe instead of admiring his looks alone you should admire his personality and try to learn something from him? Learn that beauty is in the eye of the beholder... not in their face.
And a 1-10 scale is stupid. Get rid of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I dated a man that was out my league once, and the relationship ended. Not because he cheated, not because he made me feel ugly but because I kept thinking that he was going to leave and got really stressed, stressed HIM out and it all just fell to bits.
Truth is, you might well be right. He can be better looking than you, however there are other things to bring to the table than looks and after the looks fade, thats what keeps people in a relationship. Not a symmetrical face or great hair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): You are beautiful in his eyes--so careful there, don't insult his girlfriend! You're not being nice about her at all in your post! ;)
See, in your own words (paraphrasing a little), you get along with him, you make him laugh, you give him great sex and you make him happy. What would he have to complain about?!
Guys want a girl who will appreciate him and support him. Good looks don't keep a guy. Just look around at the hot girls who got dumped or cheated on.
Going off on a tangent a little, there was an article recently that said attractive women tend to possess fewer of the characteristics that lead to long-term relationships. I forget where I saw it but you should be able to Google it. Take with a pinch of salt, of course.
As for comparing with his exes, that's a problem good-looking people are not immune to either. However, it only results in misery regardless of whether you consider yourself gorgeous or ugly. So don't bother.
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