A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 years old and still trying to grow-up as far as financial and emotional independence goes. Recently, I met a man who is 19 years older than me, never been married, but had several serious relationships in the past. He showed special interest in me and just recently visited me with the occasion of the wedding of a mutual friend. After this event we kept in touch by email and phone almost daily. I'm becoming more and more attached to this person, but I feel that our communication for some reason only makes him feel more insecure about himself, which I don't think was the case when we first met. He makes deprecating comments about his age and what he considers his lack of sophistication... I'm something of a smarty pants by nature and education, but I never ever tried to prove that I'm better than him...only that I'm a good catch... Should I worry about this? In other words, could this part of my personality be a real barrier in the way of success of this relationship? Or, if this were to stand in the way, would it most likely be just an excuse on his part to sabotage the relationship? After all, I keep on wondering, why has he never married?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 July 2009):
 I don't see it as sabotaging. You are who you are, and by the sounds of it, you've developed yourself into a good person. Now, on the other side, a good catch is someone who is compatible, and doesn't have anything to do with education. So tossing that in can cause a little strain, "self centered" and although you may not mean to, if he's no as educated or sophisticated, this can make him feel as if he's lower than you are.
In a relationship, both of you have certain qualities. Instead of talking about your own, build the other person up, and validate their importance by what they have to offer the relationship. You know what you've accomplished, and should be proud of doing so. He'll be proud of you and it'll show as long as he's sharing in your accomplishment, and your sharing in his.
A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (15 July 2009):
 It could be that he's making these comments because he's a bit worried about the age difference and why would someone so young be attracted to him.I'm not sure that he'd use it as an excuse to sabotage the relationship-he may just need reassurance that your age and intelligence is not an issue to you and that you accept him for who he is.I think you and him just need to be honest about any concerns you may have-if it turns out that it is a major issue then perhaps a relationship other than friendship may not be possible.Being up front and honest aboout the age difference is something I'll be doing soon.. I have a first date and people always say I look younger than I am!
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A
female
reader, ErinPatterson +, writes (15 July 2009):
I am somewhat of same situation. My friend is 17 years older than me. I sometimes wonder why he wants to be with someone 17 years younger...I wouldnt worry about your situation. It sounds like he thinks alot about you and you should take it as a compliment. I would just be yourself and if was meant to be..it will.
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