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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is this normal?My boyfriend and I have a semi-long distance relationship. He works out of town most of the time. We've been together for 3 years.Tonight in particular I'm awake and he's asleep right now. I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks!!! I was looking forwards to seeing him but it doesn't appear he feels the same. I don't know....you tell me if this is normal....He's here now for one night only. We had a nice enough supper and then we went to bed. He didn't cuddle with me....didn't even put his arm around me. I got changed in front of him and he's too busy looking at his phone to set his alarm to even care that I'm naked in front of him. No sex, obviously. Now I'm awake on my computer, after silently crying in bed. He leaves first thing in the morning. I might not see him for another couple weeks....that fact along kind of breaks my heart....I don't know how I'll survive it on "empty"I just can't help but remember, when we first met, we'd cuddle for hours. He used to tell me how good of a cuddler I was. Nothing else matter but us together in that moment. We even spent an entire day in bed, cuddling, talking and laughing. Those were the days. Why does it not seem to matter to him anymore? Doesn't he crave that contact and connection like I do?Now I just don't understand. He talks to me on the phone almost every other day. It's friendly conversation for the most part but he literally never says I miss you or I love you. Not in many, many months....But he shows that he cares in other ways - he does a lot for me in terms of helping me out. He is a supportive listener. But when don't see each other, you'd think he would love to have sex or cuddle and kiss, etc. etc. etc. when he DOES see me. I don't get the sex I crave. I look forward to seeing him again and having sex, why wouldn't he?I'm starved for affection from this man. I just don't understand why he doesn't seem to make the most of the time we DO spend together. I thought he'd jumping me and be unable to keep his hands off of me after not seeing me for so long! Seems quite the opposite. It matter to me so much, why not to him???Could it be that he is just not that into me? I tried to ask him, but he says it just takes time for him to get back to feeling the way he used to. We went through a rough patch for a while, but things are getting better. Part of the reason they were rough is because I got pregnant unexpectedly and that caused a lot of months of stress. Now he comes home from working straight for a few weeks, and he is giving the baby kisses and hugs. Wow, I just crave that attention too as I watch! I didn't get a kiss when he came in. I got a hug.... I know I'm an attractive woman and others find so. Secretly, I wonder if I should try my chances with a man who will value me and be crazy about me. I've taken extra care to get my body in good shape after the child birth so I look attractive to him, spent hours doing crunches, but he just doesn't seem to notice or care sometimes. Why the point of doing what I can to impress him? I have been motivated to work out extra hard so that he might notice me and want me more. We will have sex once in a while, but you would think after not seeing me for these long periods of time, he would be SO eager to have sex. But on nights like tonight it seems the furthest from his mind!I just don't know if I can take this relationship anymore. He tells me he's not an affectionate guy, but in the first few months I remember otherwise. He's never been very emotional and that's okay. But no emotions.....? I'm at the end of my rope. I feel so unloved. I've tried to talk to him and tell him what makes me happy. He is impossible to crack. He says he has love for me but won't say "I love you". He is waiting to see if I can handle his lifestyle and work, apparently. I look to what he does for me to feel loved, but in terms of physical and emotional needs, I just want him to want me as much as I want him.Do you think there is anything I can do? Because I'm about to walk away.... I love him and we have a child together. It is worth it to me to do all I can before calling it quits. I guess I could wait a few more months and see if it improves, but now this is starting to really affect me. It kills me to see our relationship slowly doing this.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Thank you for the responses. Both very valid answers. I was rambling quite a bit last night.
He is definitely not having an affair, but he broke up with me in the morning. He feels like he can not do anything right and that's why he has become more distance over time.
I bargained for a "break", hopefully we work it out. It's not going to be easy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Maybe he is a bit of a cold fish emotionally - it is usual that most people are very affectionate in the early days, how else would they get a relationship going. But it could be that this is his settled personality. Are there any unresolved issues regarding your pregnancy - did he feel forced into a committment to you that he wasn't ready for. That could be an underlying issue. So you need to decide if the man he is now is the man you want to spend your life with. It is unlikely that he will go back to being the guy you knew in the early days.
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A
female
reader, golddigger99  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 My husband and I also have a distanced relationship because of work reasons. He travels a lot with his job and sees me occasionally. I am working on my Masters right now, so I decided to stay put while he comes and goes.
What I can say about your husband not being interested, is that it's NOT normal. My husband is gone for weeks at a time too, but is always in the mood when he comes home. Is he having an affair with someone else? Perhaps you should ask this question.
As for advise on what to do about it, I am not in the position to give that. Only you can decide how you want to go about this situation, but I can tell you one thing. My parents divorced late throughout their marriage. They originally thought it best to stay married because of the "children". In fact, this caused more harm than good. Of the three children they had, the oldest acted out as a teen and got pregnant, the youngest struggled with bilema, and I was too with emotional issues--all which were contributed to the constant bickering at home. Staying together for the children is not a valid argument. There must be love in a relationship in order for it to work. If he doesn't love you as a partner, but only as the mother of his child, then I'm afraid that it will not work.
Good luck to you in your future.
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