A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm starting to feel worthless, like I should be doing something more with my life. I'm in my early 30's, I am married and I have 2 kids (6 and 4) I have a full time job. My marriage is rocky right now because my husband has become an alcoholic over the years and his actions have caused me to shut down emotionally. I still love him but I don't feel intimate toward him and to put it nicely, he gets on my nerves. I love and adore my kids but it is a challenge as I don't get much help from their dad. I do everything when it comes to them. I even pay for their daycare and he makes $6 more an hour than I do.We both work hard but we are burried in debt and barely live paycheck to paycheck so I'm always stressing about bills. My days are spend working, taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning and listening to my husband blab all the time.I used to feel so alive and accomplished but now I feel empty and worthless. I know I have the potential to do so much better and be more successful but I feel like my lifestyle is holding me back. Is this what mid-life crisis feels like?
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (16 February 2008):
 First of all you are NOT worthless! Your just tired and frustrated with your husband's drinking, and THAT is what is bringing you down. Being married once to an alcoholic, I can relate to many of the things they do and say. However, each alcoholic can be unique in their own messed up way, but mainly they have one thing in common...and that is being selfish and not caring. I understand how bills can get mega behind...the beer and partying can become first before anything and I've found the almighty beer and hard liqour in his cowboy boots and behind the bed...you name it. Were he's urinated in the closet, in the fridge because he has no idea where the heck he is...believe me, I've been there. What hurts me hearing you say is that you have little one's...where I chose not to have children till he got it together and he never did till the 6th rehap, however, it was to late then. We already separated and I did wait the 1yr per AA but, caught him with another woman. I was the bread winner, paid it all..what I cared about most was my sanity. It paid off after we divorced. It took time to "get it back together" in my head that I was single again, but, waking up and having a "normal" day was...words can't even describe. I cannot tell you what to do, however, I will suggest to you that helping him in anyway, is only damaging to him and your family. He has to hit rock bottom and if he never does...you are seeing your life like this for the next???? You have to ask yourself, do you and most importantly your children deserve to live like this? Should your children be around to grow up like this to? Is this what you want for them?
You feel empty because he is not himself anymore. You want to be and feel loved by him, but it is no longer the same...and I think you know what I'm talking about. I remember feeling repulsed just being in the same bed at one point.
You might want to see if there are any meetings for Alanon, families and friends of AA's in the area. Many times by expressing your situation in YOUR meetings, which are FREE by the way...you do not have to give money, it's just passed around if you would like...you might meet someone who can share simular situations and what they are doing. Being in a financial situation is very hard, and sometimes, you just have to bite the bullet. #13 and start a new life. I don't know...but, you should really focus on what is best for your children and yes, you. You will make it, we all do...it's one step at a time. Then you will feel so much better in yourself, with your children and your attitude will be so different. You will be so happy...the lady you once were.
Feel free to drop me aline...I know I can't answer what you may have wanted, but know there are those that have been in your shoe's and want you to know there is a better way to live. Best of Luck to you!
A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (15 February 2008):
I found that a book by Dr Susan Forward called "Emotional Blackmail - When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" was very helpful for me. It is available from Amazon so I do suggest you get a copy.
As you read it you will find practical suggestions that will help you to change your situation and that will result in your husband not getting comfortable with his lot and your giving in but will stimulate him to recognise and make some real changes.
It is not an expensive book but worth its weight in gold.
By the way I have no affiliation with Dr Forward or her publishers but I personally found her book to help me a great deal when I was dealing with an abusive relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he knows that I'm not thrilled about how our life is going right now and he keeps promising to work on his bad habits but never follows through with it. I've left him before and after he begged and pleaded and made an effort to change I went back only to go back to the same thing once he became comfortable with the relationship again. I'd love to do something just for me but he is so jealous and insecure that I can't do anything without him thinking that I'm going to meet someone else. The only thing he is helping is bringing me down. Again, thanks for the responses. God bless xoxoxoxox
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): On, bummer. He needs a kick up the arse then. You are perhaps a bit guttered at your lot! Again many of us have felt that way.
You need to have something special to do just for you. I remember after I had my son, it was all just sort of boring and not something I could be stimulated about, I would sort of wonder around going, now what. You will find
something which will spin your wheels again. He is not really helping if he is not motivated.
Is he aware you feeling a bit low?
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (15 February 2008):
Apart from the usual mountain of tasks that you need to do each day I would like to suggest two more. First, add one specific task each day that is focussed directly to address one of the issues presently hurting your marriage. It only needs to be a small task and it does need to be achievable realistically. Second, pick another task that can also be small but equally important much be achievable, that is specifically to make you feel good.
The important thing about both these tasks is that neither of them should add to the problems you currently face by introducing complications - so an affair is out as is a shopping spree. Both tasks should be easily achievable. It is not the size of the task that is important but that at the end of each day you can go to bed feelings that you have made progress in two areas, reducing the problems and increasing your happiness.
Be prepared for a long haul as it is unlikely to all come good at once. But at some point your husband will begin to notice (probably after many months) changes, that you are more positive or that the problems are less. You are even less likely to notice the changes within yourself until one day you will realise that you are feeling happy and that realisation will almost startle you.
The daily small progress towards dealing with the problems is like eating an elephant. It can be done ...... one mouthful at a time. And you will be surprised what a difference can be achieved just by doing one small feel good thing for yourself each day. After a time your daily tasks will become more ambitious but you are not likely to notice this except by more rapid progress towards your goals.
Keep positive. Make sure you have a happy place even if it is only listening to a favourite song. And every so often do something that is not routine - just to keep the brain sparking.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you tuatara, I appreciate your insite.
My children are actually very dependent on me, it's always "mommy, mommy, mommy". And I love them so much I tend to their every need and want, and they do consume a lot of my time and so does my husband. It's like he's always competing for my attention so I feel like I'm running around in circles. So, I don't feel that I really have very much free time.
I've tried planning fun activities for the family but everything revolves around drinking beer for my husband. If he's not able to drink, then he doesn't want to do it.
I've been thinking about online courses but I don't have the time or money to invest in it right now. I've thought about taking on a second job, but then I'll never have time with my kids.
Thanks for the advice though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Honey, I think your just tired with LIFE.
Many of us feel this way, get stuck in the day to day boring chores and humdrum.
You kids are at the age now when they are not so reliant on mummy, you possibly now feel that you have a little for of your time and space and it is now reflecting on your thought process about what you doing with your life. Short of like feeling your on the starting blocks, kids are nearly sorted on the day to day basis and your ready to GO!!
Personally, think it's quite normal and not something to be overlly concerned about.
Why don't you consider doing a bit of study on something, many online courses or similar. Are you keen on creative pursuits? You need something NEW in your life to give you a happy bubble. NOT A MAN!! NO NO NO - but something to get you interested in now that your a little free from the above.
Maybe plan some family activety, re-connect as friends with your husband - he may feel a little bored too!!
All the best and it will only be a crisis if you let it!
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A
female
reader, didapoo +, writes (15 February 2008):
 I dont know if its a mid life crisis or not, but it sounds to me that you are tired of floating through life waiting for something to happen. Thats the same point that I am at. I dont work (it actually causes me to lose money because of social security, I used to be a paralegal), so I dont leave the house, I baby everyone, including my self centered and insecure husband, and the whole time I am unhappy, under-appreciated, and really losing interest in the whole situation. I used to feel like I wasn't even a woman anymore, just the slave to the family. I used to not care about it, suffered to make it easier for myself, but now I almost feel empowered by it (thanks to this website) and I am now taking my kids, moving back to my folks house, and starting over. At least for awhile. Start living for me and my kids (mine are the same age as yours, boy and girl), not for everyone but myself. It feels good, for the first time in a long time, I woke up this morning and felt ready to start my day. I am leaving in two weeks, as soon as I get our taxes back, and I am excited to begin my life anew.So in answer to your question, I dont think its a mid life crisis, i think its your wake up call to make yourself happy. If your not happy, neither are your kids. Make them and you the focus, not the whole unit.Alcoholics thrive with a person who enables the disease to control them. Make sure to stop letting it control your relationship. Make him decide if he wants the booze or you, and act accordingly. Be supportive if he decides to go into treatment, IF YOU want to try to make it work. Thats up to you. He and you might also benefit from a counselor for that, too. By the way, if you pay the babysitter, what is he spending his money on? Is it the family, or something else? Just something to consider.Hope this helps, and get ahold of me if you need anything, k?Best of luck! :)Dida
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