A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I am in a eight year long relationship. About five years into the relationship my partner's mum died. It wasn't expected and was a shock. My partner had to deal a lot with her will and documents since then. Since then he had brief angry outbursts at me over random insignificant stuff. About a year later I was diagnosed with a condition that may make it very difficult to have children. At the time I discussed this with my partner and explained the doctors said it may mean I have to start trying for babies a bit earlier. I suggested if he was not ready to do this then we might have to go separate ways as I want children. He said he could do this and didn't see the point of a future without children. Cut forward a few more years and he starts a new job and give support after a few weeks because he can't cope with it. I am supportive but he is very upset and says he has let his mother down. The other night he breaks down and declares he doesn't have any paternal instincts whatsoever (although he is very good with children) and we could perhaps go our separate ways so I can a go have kids with someone else . He says he may want them but doesn't know for sure and he doesn't want us to reach our mid thirties and then decide he doesn't and have wasted all that time for me.My immediate reaction was devastation obviously. We get on so well. On reflection now I can't help wondering whether he has depression and/or has not grieved appropriately and it is these reasons that are making him so confused and conflicted. We haven't officially broken up but we are temporarily in different places to focus on ourselves. Am I fooling myself thinking that this might be a medical/depression thing?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 The poor guy, he is very young to have lost his mother. I am sure it has hit him hard. Does he seem depressed in other ways? If so then talk to him and maybe seek some help. If not then it could be that he simply does not want children, am afraid not everyone does. I think you would both benefit going to see a couples therapist to get to the bottom off things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2017): It really can be devastating for a person when their mother dies!The connection is so primal when you come from her womb and hers was the first voice you heard and first arms that held you, that many people, men especially, feel as if the universe has collapsed!Plus there are things to be done and bills to be paid.Many sons take on the role of little protector as a child and they feel a sharp sense of betrayal, disappointment in themselves for not being able to do more and results in general depression!Then they feel unmanly as if stripped of their rights to be a proper man as they never lived up to their early ideology as a child towards their mother.Its very difficult because there is little room in this world for nostalgia and regrets in these cut throat male times and yet bereavement has a certain course to follow in order to be healed.Bereavement counselling would help your man!Right now, while he feels so inadequate. It is probably the worst time to suggest parenthood as he feels he has already let down a close loved one.But you could start to reminise a bit along the lines of "Your mum wouldve loved the way the trees are moving on this fabulous breezy day.I'll bet your mum would love to see you and your son fly a kite on such a lovely day eh?"But then again it's downright manipulative unless he enjoys a good reminisce and future happy projection!Perhaps you could attend some couselling also as it has impacted your relationship and you have a right to be comforted too.Then you will both be able to look at the future more realistically .
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