A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well I guess I should start from the beginning. I am a male and of Arab decent (Lebanese) born in the United States. I come from a family that is very Anglo looking, with blue eyes and light brown hair. I have been married about 6 years with two beautiful daughters.About 10 years ago when I was in my second year of college, there was a girl in one of my classes whom I was instantly attracted to. She sat directly in front of me most of the time. She was of Filipino decent, very pretty, and my God always smelled so good. Her and her family moved to the US when she was 5. She would glance at me from time to time, and every time our eyes met I would become breathless. I was so in love with her, and I just knew she liked me, but I was always way to nervous to approach her in that way. Whenever I spoke in class she would stare directly at me, and whenever I glanced at her she would smile and look down quickly. I thought about her all the time and had many sleepless nights.Both of us had a mutual friend, and I would have casual conversations with her when the three of us were together. One day the three of us were supposed to go to the Library, but our mutual friend could not make it, so the both of us ended up going together. I was so nervous I could barely speak. Well, to make a long story short, going to the library together turned into the most amazing 2 year romance of my life.I always felt we were meant for each other, we were so much alike. Even our birthdays. I was born Dec 8 and she was born Dec 9th exactly one year before me (I was 23 and she was 24). We had the same interests. She was my soul mate, my first real love, a love so deep it has not gone away to this day.My parents, who are very traditional Lebanese, were of course not happy that I was seeing a girl outside of my culture, but they soon grew to really like her. She loved our food, and I would bring her over all the time. Her and my mom became close, and she and my mom would be together in the kitchen, my mom teaching her how to cook traditional Lebanese cuisine. My Mom would tell her if she didnt know how to cook, she would never keep a man. She would also hang out with my 75 year old grandma (who did not speak a word of English) and they would go holding hands out to the garden to pick fresh vegetables and herbs.Her parents, on the other hand were friendly, but in a "we have to keep our manners" kind of way. She did not bring me over her house a lot, neither I or her parents interacted a lot, although I did try be very courteous towards them. Her mother sometimes made conversation with me, but her father rarely did. It felt as if they are tolerating me and that is it.Our relationship, which was very passionate went on for two years. We were almost never apart, and it started to really become serious. Asking for her hand in marriage was always on my mind, I was just waiting to graduate and get my bachelors. The last two months of our relationship something started to change. She started breaking dates, called me less, coming over less and other strange things such as when I came to pick her up one day, her sister answered the door and said she had gone to work. I knew that after a few of these incidents something was wrong.It was really hard getting her on the phone, so one day I showed up to her work. I asked her if anything was wrong, if she wanted to break up with me, she should tell me. She promised she would call me that evening, and as promised she did. She said she wanted to talk with me, and she would come over that evening. She did not drive at that time, her sister dropped her to my house.I had a really bad sinking feeling about why she wanted to talk with me. When she arrived, I could already see it on her face. She hugged me, said she loved me with all her heart, but said we would have to break off our relationship. When I started to ask why she said please dont ask, she cannot say, she just said not to make it any harder on the both of us. I was just numb and could not say anything. She grabbed my face and tried to kiss me but I was angry and turned my head in defiance, so she just hugged me for about 5 minutes, and than picked up her purse and walked out the door. I did not see her cry, but when she got outside I looked out the window and saw her crying and hugging her sister who was waiting outside.That was 10 years ago. I have not forgotten her since, I think about her all the time. I had pretty much gotten over her, but I always feel empty when I think about her. I married 4 years latter to an American born Lebanese girl, who is very pretty, kind, a good mother and wife, and came from a traditional family like mine. We could not be happier. I have also since moved to a different city hundreds of miles away.Two months ago I suddenly get a letter addressed to me, it is from her. The letter says that she is not sure if I will get this letter or not, but if I do there was a contact number and email address. The letter talks about how she has always regretted what she did, how she saw the profile of me and my family on Face book (thanks to my wife...I dont do face book)and how she hopes this letter would reach me. She explained in the letter how her family put pressure on her when things got serious between us. Her father did not want her marrying "a damn Arab Muslim" who would abuse her and probably marry a bunch more wives and dishonor the family. She said the pressure from her family became to much for her to bare. She also said that in a couple of weeks she would be in my area on business and would like to see me.Like an idiot, instead of just tearing up the letter, I waited two days and called her. She was so happy to hear from me, we talked about the past, what she is doing, about my family and I. She has been married and is now divorced with two children, a boy and a girl. She has done pretty well, and is a finance manager. I asked her how she found me and she apparently used an online service to look me up. It showed my three previous addresses and she sent letters to each of them hoping I would get it.I have never told my wife about her or my past relationship. Now that she was coming, I told my wife about her, but I did not mention our relationship. I told her that she was an old friend from college visiting, and she would be coming over for dinner. My wife was happy to have her over. My daughters were very excited, and when she came and knocked at the door, they knocked each other over to answer the door.Oh my God is all I can say when I saw her at the door. She had really matured into such a beautiful women. Before she used to dye her hair almost a light brown/blond color, now her hair was natural dark black. Even my wife was just amazed at how stunningly beautiful she was and kept commenting on it. She brought gifts for my daughters, and a gift for my wife. We had a pleasant dinner, a nice evening and talked about our accomplishments, work, etc.At the end of the evening I walked her to her car, and she took my hand and said she loves me, she always loved me, and will always love me. She than kissed me and it turned into a long, deep kiss. I tried to resist but I have never gotten over her, I still love her. I finally broke from her and told her not to do this to me, I understood why she left me, but she should have not come to see me, she should have left things the way they were. She said she loved me and she couldnt.It has all started up again, all the feelings I have for her. My love for her has never gone away, but I also love my wife and my daughters. Nothing else has happened between us other than that kiss, but she wants to see me. She has been emailing and texting me, and I am so conflicted because this is not just a beautiful girl I met on the streets. This was a women I loved and continue to love, had a relationship with. How should I deal with this? How should I put a stop to it? I dont even know where to start. Some advise is really needed
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think some or one of you misunderstood me when I mentioned the hotel. If I may clear that up. If I had any intentions of being with her, even if it was for "a brief moment of passion", I would not have invited her over to meet my family and instead would have gone to her hotel, which never crossed my mind. She never invited me to her hotel, and if she had I would not have gone, no matter my feelings.
Yes, after thinking about it I do feel fortunate to not have married her. As one person pointed it out it was the worst possible timing.
I have not had any contact with her at all except to tell her not to contact me anymore.
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (6 February 2011):
 HOw would you feel if your wife had feelings for another man and said, " Not seeing him is the easy part. Not thinking about him is the hard part". This is totally unfair to your wife. This is how you should feel about your wife - in love, loyal, passionate. Not thinking about another woman.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 OP, thank you for the follow up. You did well be your wife IMO.
BUT, did you tell her you kissed her???
If I may make another suggestion...stop being so naive and think about things. You have a past with this woman and continued feelings with her. So stop being so naive in this regard.
Talk about meeting her at her hotel? Come again? Think man. How would you feel about your wife meeting some long lost past guy friend at a hotel? Oh that's right, you trust her absolutely blah blah blah. No matter what it doesnt look good from her and from other perspectives should friends and family find out etc. etc. A truly loving partner would consider their partner's perspective, so in the future (although this shouldn't happen again) don't ever consider meeting at a hotel, meet in a public place and yes, bring your wife.
Now that you have the taste of her lips on your mouth again methinks you might go squirrely again. So again, don't be so naive and don't put yourself in a situation where it would be easy to cheat. You have been warned. You're treading on thin ice and while the distance may help, she shows up on your doorstep and you turn to puddy in her hands. I'd like to now how the women would respond in this regard, or better yet, someone actually married. On the one hand many women may actually relate to the other woman and the feeling of empowerment they may get knowing the power of a woman's sexuality over a prospective partner. On the other hand, many other women may relate to how they would feel knowing the man they have devoted their lives to secretly yearns and dare I say lusts for another. Just remember she finished you off 10+ years ago. She was not worthy then and nothing has changed since except your powerlessness in her presence. Face it, you are weak (as we all can be at times)...so you know the score. There will be no excuses for you should you screw things up. I still feel for your wife and her even having to deal with this situation. You are married and should be emotionally free. Yet you are not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to again say thank you for your responses and advise. First of all, I want to start off by saying that I did tell my wife yesterday about our past relationship, and how she is now making constant contact with me. My wife obviously was not to happy about it, but she also knows I am not going to leave my family for her. She advised me, as all of you have to not have any contact with her.
My intention was never to get back with her. I would have never brought her over my house to meet my family and have dinner with us if that was the case. I would have just gone to see her at the hotel she was staying at. Also I strongly believe that she did not come with the intention to try and get me back or that she had it planned to kiss me. I really believe it was a spur of the moment occurrence, and once it happened her emotions took over. I have to take some of the blame because I really should have brought my wife out with me to walk her to her. But than again I had no idea that this was going to happen.
So as I have said before, my feelings for her still remain, and although I have tried, I just cannot shut them off like a faucet. I will just have to hopefully bury them as deeply as I can. The good thing is she lives 350 miles from me, so not seeing her is the easy part. Not thinking about her is the hard part
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (5 February 2011):
I'm with the party line and the sage advice you've gotten so far. I think you knew your own answer before coming here.
She may have represented something else in the past, but right now she represents temptation in the truest sense. Your past with her and your "unfinished" love with her is not a free pass...either for her or for you.
You inviting her into your house and being less than truthful with your family was wrong. You are treading on thin ice in terms of the integrity department and beginning to travel down the path to more lies and deception.
I sense and feel you know this and are better than this. Perhaps there is hope for you and your family. From what you have said, your wife and family mean the world to you...but you may want to revisit your thoughts on that if you're willing to let the wolf into your house and then taste the forbidden fruit so to speak. Your "unfinished love" is no excuse and these things did not just happen, contrary to your response, the actions on both your parts was deliberate.
Somewhere deep down in your thoughts you wanted what happened to happen. You once again fell under her spell in a matter of hours. Face it...you are weak. Acknowledge this and maybe there is hope for you and your wife and family in that it may change your future actions. I will echo a previous response, see the reality for what it is, not the reality you believe it is because you are projecting the past and all those memories into the present. I will defend your wife and children in this regard...they deserve better.
What you have to do is extremely simple...stay away from this woman. I will also echo the selfishness and essentially sociopathic behavior of her and to a degree of yourself in this meeting. What good could have come of this? If anything, it should be closure.
You wanted to kiss her a decade or so ago when she only hugged you in leaving, well I guess you got your kiss now. I just feel for your wife who may be under the impression that you are for her, yet mentally your thoughts and feelings have still been with another. This was proven the second this woman stepped back into your life. Again your wife deserves better.
Time to grow up and be a real man. Leave your puppy forbidden love in the past. Most every married man, and moreso, every married woman faces temptation...so don't think your situation is somehow unique.
If you feel the need to continue with this woman, then your wife needs to know. Make that break and then continue on with your life, but don't make a mockery of your wife and make her live a sham or illusion of a life.
Frankly, if you can ditch this woman...in the nicest but clearest and most direct way...I would almost be of the opinion that you should come clean with your wife about this woman. You keeping this secret may eat away at you, especially since it is again the present. Your wife may be hurt, but going forward I think your marriage will be stronger and she has every right to be weary of you and of her if she tried to get in the picture again.
I take the perspective of your wife, and if I was her, I would surely want to know what you're about and the truth behind it all. Of course, that is me. Perhaps in actuality your wife is 100% loving and trusting of you...if so you are not deserving of this, not recently anyway. Perhaps she is the type who would prefer to not know, keep her head in the sand...ignorance is bliss sort of attitude? I don't know, but suffice to say, you have given nothing to say she is deserving of your recent behavior.
Your choices are clear IMO. You are informed enough to know that this woman and any potential future life with her is bad news.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (5 February 2011):
I am always amazed at people who have no qualms whatsoever interfering in another person's marriage. It is so beyond the pale of what should be considered acceptable conduct in a civil society. Yet, the "me, me, me" attitude in today's modern world seems to trump any sense of shame or desire to do the right thing. So, here comes sexy raven-haired babe from the past who blows into town, breaks bread with your family, and then immediately after dinner, proceeds to try and wreck the very family she just sat down with at table? Is she psychotic? Dude, that train left the station 10 years ago. Let it go. Otherwise, you risk your wonderful life for a distant memory that can never, and will never, be re-created -- no matter how hard either you or this home-wrecker try. You don't love this woman. You love the nostalgia. You love the idea of what you once felt for her. You loved the drama of what your relationship with her once held -- all of which is over and has been over for more than a decade. Protect your family. Protect yourself. Cut all contact with this woman as fast as you possibly can. Tell her to stop contacting you. Tell her that you are happily married, and that you want to stay that way. Listen to the good advice you are getting on this board. It will save your life as you presently know it. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your responses. Yes I do value my wife and daughters very much. My wife has been my backbone and she always gets me thru the sadness I feel. I guess my next step is to tell her not to contact me anymore. I already know friendship is out of the question. yes, it was very unfair what she did, but I actually think she did not intend to do what she did, it was something that happened at the spur of the moment. Regardless, I cant let it happen again
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Deal with it by cutting off all contact. You're married and you have children with another woman. If you want to keep your family and marriage intact, you can't afford to let this go any further. Do the right thing and set boundaries, she obviously visited with the hope of winning you back after all this time. Is that really fair of her to do to your wife and girls? You might never be able to get over her completely, is it really worth risking your marriage to see if you can push your feelings aside?
You have too deep of an attachment to this woman to be able to be just friends. You'll just have to accept that you made a choice and moved on with your life, there's no going back. Leave the past where it belongs.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I'm sorry, but if you value your marriage and your wife and daughters - clearly you do - you HAVE to put a stop to it.
You really can't, in all good conscience, betray your wife by beginning an affair - whether it be emotional without sex involved, or sexual.
It's one of those incidents where the timing was really completely off.........maybe if she hadn't waited so long to try to get in touch, before you got married, it would all have turned out quite differently. Sometimes life is composed of "if only......"
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (5 February 2011):
She came disguised as a wolf in sheeps clothing. Met your wife and your children, then privately tried to seduce you. She's single with children and doesn't care if she will hurt your family. Is she truly that beautiful of a person?? She broke your heart years ago and now wants to break up your family. Stay clear of her!
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