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Confused... does he love me? or her?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 November 2008) 1 Answers - (Newest, 25 November 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *mm_girl writes:

hey guys, quite new to this but really need help on this one! I have asked everyone I know for their opinion and now I am asking you! please help!!

When I was at college 2 years ago I had a best friend there who just also happened to be my "friend with benefits". He was constantly telling me how much he cared for me and how he really had feelings for me but I didnt want to take things further because I didnt want to ruin what we had as friends *in this case... big mistake!* so I left college and we lost touch for a while. I cannot tell you how sweet and adorable he is, there aren't many like him, you know, the kind of guy who does things without being asked, like gets you flowers and makes you tea. Not many of them around. So a few months down the line, he texts me out the blue (I lost my phone so number changed and he managed to find it) telling me how he is always thinking of me and how "our song" was on the radio. How he still loves me etc and yet again I decide we should stay friends because didnt want to risk friendship. I would also get random texts from mutual friends telling me how he has been crying because he heard "our song" in the pub and how he cannot stop talking about me, doing their head in! He is quite emotional and sensitive, which I like. So I decide to meet up with him for a couple drinks and all is well. Then we bump into his ex and next thing he has left me in the club with his mate I just met and we only find him when we go out for a cigarette all over her. I actually physically felt my heart break but thought I would pretend all is ok as we were just friends. The next day we met up again and he cried in my arms because he said he is really confused about what he wants. That he is in love with me and yet loves her too. I let him cry and told him all would be ok. Then, after all those times where it was "just me" on his mind, I decide now is the time to get with him *stupid right? I know!*. I figured it wasnt love he felt for her because they were only together for 2 months, 9 months ago... I figured he thought he "loved" her because when I left college there was a big hole in his life and she came along and filled it so he was "greatful" not "in love" so thought no problem. We have had few talks, wouldnt call them arguements because he is still my best friend before he is my boyfriend, I am his agony aunt, which can hurt sometimes! so now, he is like, "dont know who I would choose if she came back and said get back with me". I am really upset about the whole thing and wish could turn back time so I was with him when it was "just me", that way none of this would have happened and it would have been just me. He says he feels selfish because its unfair on me but he cant bear to lose me and yet he loves her and he is very confused. I feel selfish because I have put him in a weird position as he is confused and maybe I should let him go... but if I do then I couldnt bear to be friends with him, I couldnt see him with someone else no matter how much I love him and want him to be happy. It is a simple philosophy but I believe that when you love someone you should let them go, if they come back then they love you too but if they dont then they never loved you in the first place. I did this, I let him go in college and he chose to find me and be with me. I dont want to do it again, please help. I know I am being really selfish and I should break up with him but its her fault, she keeps giving him hope they might get back together so he chooses not to get over her but he loves me and I am so confused!! please please please tell me how I can "wean" him off her and just be happy with him. he says he is happy with me and feels complete with me and I am the love of his life, his soul mate. I dont know whether its because he actually feels like this or because subconciously he loves the idea of me making everything better. I have tried to break up with him but I cant bring myself to do it, in a way I would take away the last person he can talk to anything about away from him and that is also unfair. I know this may not make sense to anyone but maybe you can see why I am so confused!

View related questions: best friend, flowers, get back together, his ex, soulmate, text

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A female reader, gojira343 United States +, writes (25 November 2008):

life has a funny way of working out my advise is ....think about being in a relationship with him....would he stay or go? do you want to risk it? love is weird but if he really loved you he would have no doubts. stay friends and maybe later in life you can be together...just wait and do your own thing

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