A
male
age
36-40,
*oul83
writes:I just found out that my fiancee has been more than a little friendly with a married male work colleague. I always assumed their chats were fairly innocent seeing as they didn't communicate that often. But I did some snooping and I was shocked at what I found. On her birthday she talks about being bored...he mentions that she should take me to 'buy some energy equipment'...she asks 'where to buy...' ... they cut off the conversation. I recall that afternoon after she finished on the laptop, she came onto me quite strongly feeling horny. Now I can't look back on that moment in the same light given what I have read.But wtf? She is talking about our private stuff to him? What kind of sick game is she up to? I feel physically sickened right now.A bit of history about this: he lives in the neighbouring city and they don't get to meet often as he is always away overseas on his job or at home with his wife. But he must come to our city at least once per month to visit the company they both work for.She has tried to reassure me that there is nothing going on between them. But I am not convinced. Yes they work for the same company. Christ he even took her out to lunch the next day to celebrate her birthday. It seems a bit too close for comfort. She came home from her recent 5 days working overseas and after seeing me for a bit, she had to get onto the computer and webcam him from his location overseas. But she was interrupted. I'm getting more and more furious with her. She can't see it that I am not going to hang around for much longer. I can call off the engagement at any time.I tried to add him on the chat program, but after talking for a couple of minutes he blocked me. I intercepted their communication later and he mentioned that I added him and that he blocked me, her response was 'don't worry about him'....That also infuriated me. 'Don't worry about "him"'...like what am I. Just some guy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I think she's having an affair with him and you need to accept that. She is a cheater. Just end it and move on to someone you can trust, because she is not trustworthy or respectful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Sadly in your heart of hearts you already know the answer to all your 'concerns'.
2 consenting adults in the maldives without their partners, romantic setting, and so forth, doesn't take a genius to figure out what is happening or what has happened previously.
I think you have all your answers. Have you thought of befriending his wife? Just to find out whether she is aware of the close relationship bet these two?
Hire another PI? Why throw good money after bad.
LoveGirl
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (9 February 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK! So going out with others is not something that constitutes cheating. But the two strikes is exactly what I am thinking.Update on things: I followed Abella's advice and sure enough found that nothing appeared to be wrong. Or so I thought!I was invited to dinner with them and noticed nothing untoward. BUT she revealed that they are going to the Maldives together (they somehow managed to both get groups going to the same place). Guess what? I discovered some things in the luggage that have me ready to run away fast: scented candles and body butter (the things we used to use for our personal stuff). I took out the lighter and body butter (the lighter wouldn't have gotten through check in). We had a big fight in the morning and she threw the coffee plunger (thankfully it was empty) and smashed all over the floor because I tore the place apart looking for a camera battery (I had tried to tell her the night before that the battery was fully charged).Yeah candles don't necessarily indicate anything major but I think they are a clear sign that I may be cheated this time around. There is a high likelihood that she will sleep with this man. Hire a PI??Why am I so damn adamant about her potential actions? Becuase of what she communicated with him about a year ago online: something about giving me a 'hat wearing' (the equivalent of wearing a green hat in china is a man whose wife is playing around). This god damn man is 35 and supposed to be married and with children. He was even congratulating me on my 'wife to be' over dinner last night.I am very very close to cancelling the visa and getting out. But a part of me wonders if I am doing the right thing. What if she isn't playing around (like she keeps telling me) and I am mistaken?I cannot go on like this. I won't be able to live with the doubt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Two strikes already and then she is out , right?
Why do I get the feeling that your gf is untrustworthy? I think you also get that same feeling, that voice that refuses to quiten down. This is your gut telling you that 'something' is not right. Trust it. This will save you heartache and pain in the future.
Whatever your gfs relationship with the MM, I think it crossed the emotional boundaries ages ago.
She is travelling quite a bit now. Can you trust her completely? You hired a PI already, what next?? Perhaps you need to bite the bullet and tell her you do not trust her.
Her superior attitude does not help as well.
Too many unanswered questions and too many seemingly coincidental situations.
Run and do not look back.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (7 February 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I followed Abella's advice and I believe her about her work colleague but I am uncomfortable that their friendship has got him helping her out with her itinerary whilst she was overseas on her other tour. She's so lucky to be going to the Maldives.
But she made another confession that is hard to swallow. About a year ago when she started the tours, it was her first time out of China and she was excited to be in Thailand. She ended up getting drunk at a bar and visiting a sex show with a couple of young Canadian guys around my age. They also hung out at the beach the next day. She was telling me that they had gf's and they were teaching in Korea.
She wasn't remorseful and seem to be throwing it in my face with this 'i think I'm so good' attitude. I don't know if I can marry this woman if she's like that. She claims that she knows that she made a mistake and that she wouldn't do that again. You would think that would make me untrusting and indeed I knew something was up around that time. But I hired a PI next time she went to Thailand and found out she was doing the right thing.
So I guess I now face the decision to let it go. But it's eating away at me. I love this woman a lot as you can tell but I hate the feeling of being betrayed. At any rate, I may end up cutting my losses rather than stewing on resentment if I can't resolve it.
Why do people do such stupid things to each other??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Lots of red flags here my man. You should think about postponing the wedding and figure out what's going on before you commit to one another.
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (30 January 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella: Thankyou so much for your advice!! I am going to follow that approach and see how things go. I'm disappointed and frankly disgusted that she would keep going with a married man. It doesn't speak volumes to her character now.
For the record, in the past when I have confronted her about her friendship with him, she has denied having feelings for him by using the excuses that they work together, she's not interested in older married guys, not interested in Chinese guys, not wanting to sacrifice things with me.
Right, here's the other thing: aside from her communication with him and possible meetings at the office, I have seen no other form of contact between them. She has told me that he is a close friend (they were friends before he married and they used to show feelings for each other in the chat program before I came along). When she's not working or outside with her friends, she's with me. Certainly every night is spent with me and there hasn't been any major conflict apart from an argument over me losing my job (which I have now replaced with another full time position). I'm exploring work in other more stable fields and trying to improve my career prospects.
We applied for the prospective marriage visa and were supposed to be going back to Australia together in 3 months time to settle. All of that is up in the air now.
Perhaps it could be argued that in 3 months time she will never see this bloke again. They didn't communicate for 3 months before Christmas. She is adamant that he is just a work colleague but the fact that he goes on to mention private stuff about me (joking about me in a sexual manner) is absolutely insulting and she should have the commonsense to tell him to p*** off and stay out of our private life. Not adopt this 'don't worry about him' line like she wants to play some sort of game with this bloke.
Anyway, the marriage, settling in Australia, our intimacy, our future the whole lot is up in the air. What hurt me the most? Her god damned birthday: she talked to him and he mentioned to buy energy equipment from the adult store...he invited her to dinner. She turned off the computer (she never responds to his dirty talk) and immediately started making out with me. We went to dinner with one of her friends, couldn't decide what to do afterwards and came home where she sat in front of the computer ignoring me and chatting to her friends. I bought her a cake and she burst into tears at me having remembered it - a couple of red roses and a small cake with candles and sang her happy birthday. After another half an hour she switched off the chat and we watched a movie together.
Could I be making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm searching for reasons as to why she would risk our future and relatonship in such a way given how good things have been between us lately. It's really upset me to see her trying to confide in him. He can speak her language so maybe that has something to do with it, but she should be putting me first and coming to me with all of her sadness and problems. Not sharing it with someone else. I noticed a pattern emerged too: since she started communicating with this bloke again, her behaviour towards me has changed a bit and she has become more cynical. It's like she is maybe comparing me to him? That left me feeling like she's not satisfied with me (despite her reassurances and apologies later on).
It's all been a headache and left me to the point where I question continuing and wonder if she is just stringing me along now to get into the country (just putting up with me). I really don't know.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 January 2011):
Abella gave you some great advice. I agree with everything she said.
Being angry does not help. You have to clear your head, take a deep breath and try to look at this as objectively as possible. You have to give her a chance to explain herself, without jumping on everything she says.
Handling everything with a cool head will not only help you deal with this is a better way; it will also drive home to her (in the case that what you fear is true) what a despicable game she's playing. Being fair to her strips every possibility of excusing bad acts or blaming your behaviour for her (possible) affair.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 January 2011):
 You are feeling understandably resentful and hurt at the moment.
And angry with your fiance.
Try to keep a handle on your anger and resentment.
Have you tried to calmly speak to her, without judgement? Rationally. Ask her about where she sees things going over the next 5 years in her career. And in the next 5 years in her relationship with you. Listen very very carefully, without interrupting. Do not prejudge her. Don't label her.
Don't ask nor mention anything about him. Don't react to any mention of him.
Do not react to anything she says.
If she gets defensive try to placate and calm her, with you being very reasonable. Don't give away your simmering anger and resentment. That may be unleashed later.
Don't allow this talk above to degenerate into an argument. Keep the peace. Because it is a two part talk. With a couple of days break before you raise the other issue.
Now two days later, when she is relaxed, and when you are sure you can stay calm, and stay a gentleman, ask her about him. Ask her what he means to her. Keep calm. Listen very carefully. No judgment. No interrupting. No sighing. No disgust. No sneering.
Ask her if she fancies him sexually.
Ask her if she would contemplate an affair with him, even though he is married. These questions will shock her, and have her spluttering. But watch her face. Watch her body language. Listen carefully to her words.
Weigh it all up. All her answers. All her body language. All her facial expressions. Listen without judgement to all her arguments.
If you think she is more emotionally attached to this man than you, then ask her to stop contacting him outside work hours. Ask her to stop web cam/messaging him. Ask her not to meet him alone for lunch. Ask her to return to a strictly professional working relationship with him. Give her time to decide.
If she immediately refuses to do so, then ask her if she has already been intimate with this ,married man.
But if she agrees to stop then do not ask that question yet, save it for when you have tried your best, and she has (if she does) reneged on the deal to stop contacting him.
Yes i think her messaging him is unprofessional. And so is his.
A few days later, after she has been relieved and calmed at how reasonable you were. Then you will have received her decision.
Yes, i would be concerned if i were you.
Even if she is being nice to him to advance her career she is playing a dangerous game. He is married. And he is probably well practised in playing up. And then going back to his forgiving wife.
Not that I am suggesting that they have done more than flirt, so far.
And the way she speaks about you is disrespectful.
If she is willing to give up on him. And if you are still sure that she loves you and you love her, and you are both willing to try to rebuild the trust between you, then it will be time for the two of you to start again, without him clogging up the relationship.
But if you have doubts then let her know your feelings. And how much she has deeply hurt you. And move on.
Just don't be too hasty to trash your relationship with your fiance until you know all the facts.
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A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Hmmm, I think there is a bit more going on here. Why on earth does she need to webcam with this man. And is he not married? I would sit her down and tell her that all this makes you way too uncomfortable and if she can't stop talking with him, then she can't have you. Plain and simple. Do not marry her if she continues to act this way hun. I would never treat my man that way. This is supposed to be your partner for life. The flirting that is carrying on basically right in front of you is not acceptable. Are you not giving her enough attention and affection? Something very wrong here. I don't like the sound of it at all. xoxoxoxox
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is not innocent behaviour at all, but you are not being strong enough with your response to her actions. Obviously there is something more going on but she explains it away and you just accept it. You tried to add him and then he blocked you, but still you accept it when you read what she said to him. Is this the woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with if she cant even be honest with you and let this man go when she's been caught? You have to show her you are serious about her ending this relationship. I doubt she will let him go unless she truly wants to, and that will only be if she truly wants to be with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Hey man! I feel you here. I think she's crossing lines of being your normal friendly co worker. She needs to respect the relationship by keeping things private between you two and keep him out. This is not a good sign my man I hate to say. She may possibly be cheating but evidence at best suggests. However, it looks like you caught things in the nick of time here and its not too late to assert yourself and tell her to cut this guy completely out of her life simply because he is risk of your relationship with her. If she disagrees, chances are this woman is not at all ready for marriage and still looking to have "fun" or whatever the f*** that means nowadays. Good luck bud. Keep your head up on this and stay calm if you can.
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female
reader, Traycie +, writes (30 January 2011):
You need to tell her enough is enough and you're not taking this shit anymore. Tell her its not right for her to be doin what she's doin and she needs to stop and tell her how bad it is hurting you and if she doesnt stop tell her to kick rocks because if she wont stop then she really doesnt love you or have respect for you and something has to be going on for him to block you like that
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