A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I think my boyfriend is a commitment phobe. Has anyone had any experience with this? How did you deal with it? I always thought it was something made up in the movies. Or that the guy just wasn't that into you.Anyone have experience with this? Thanks... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Hi,
I have been in a similar relationship which ended about 2 years ago. It was really hard for me to let it go, but I had no other options. A comitment phobic is never likely to change and the only thing it does is hurting you more and more. I do agree those kind of guys are usually very selfish and will always put their needs first. A relationship should work both ways, but those guys are not ready for it. If a guy has a temporary job, temporary accomodation and always travels everywhere, be wary this attitude is could be that he is a comitment phoebic. Once again, I have really loved that person, but at the end of the day you need to live for yourself and be strong!
A
female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 this is a case of "he's just not that into you" the truth is if a man really wants to be with you then he'll do whatever it takes. if he's not willing to commit it's because he doesn't want to! ie he can't see himself being with you for life. think about what a "commitment" means; it's saying that you won't up and leave, that you're in it for the long haul. if a man can't say that it's because he doesn't feel that strongly about you- no matter what is coming out of his mouth. i'm usually against ultimatums but in this case i think it's the only thing you can do. you'll see where he's really at.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 I've been there and there's no magic key to change him.
Men don't have to commit these days cos they can get all their needs met without marriage.
Back in my mothers day, if a guy wanted to get laid he had to get married. Not so now.
If your guy doesn't see marriage/living together as a need,he simply won't do it.
Sorry hun.
I'd try what Emilys answers says. Its your best bet.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
 Heres the deal. You are either willing to put up with it, or you are ready to give him an ultimatum. The bottom line is, you are not getting any younger. If you idea of a future is to walk down the isle, you need to let him know. It sounds harsh, but if he is still sewing his oats, and you and ready for a family, you don't have as much in common as you thought. Pick a firm date. Maybe a week, month, or a year down the road. Let him know your intentions. Just be honest. Let him know that if you haven't walked down the isle by a certain date, you are gonna have to move on. Don't let a ring fool you. The time to court you is over. You want a wedding.
If on the other hand you are willing to let this drag on, then you have no one to blame but yourself.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 December 2009):
Simple to solve this.
Tell him that if he doesn't want you there are plenty of other men that do.
Then leave him.
He'll either be round with a ring within 2 weeks, or you'll be able to move on.
Why waste time? Force him to make a decision and then move on with your life.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I have been with a commitment phobic man on and off for three years and I finally broke it off for good last night. He was very different from any guy I have ever dated. I was his first serious relationship although he was in his 40's. He was very inexperienced sexually and showed little interest. I agree with everyone else that most likely the person will not change and you might be wasting your time. Maybe if he is willing to go to counseling with you that would help. I think many commitment phobes are selfish people that want thier cake and eat it too. When it is convenient for them they want someone. Is he there for you when the going gets tough? Probably not..Also, I think some of them have not grown up, although they can be older.. I ended things with this man a while ago, because I felt the relationship was on his terms and I was uncomfortable with that. We have maintained contact till last night. I am drained and he has not made progress. Wish me luck in staying strong and being done with this forever. I wish you luck too
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
 No, I don't have this problem or experiences like this only because I don't believe I'm special and that my wonderful personality is going to make an otherwise unavailable guy commit to me. It's pure self sabotage to continue involvement with any guy that shows signs of commitment phobia if a relationship is what you want. I once went on a date with a guy I'd known for awhile and he told me he was never getting married again, like I even cared at that point. What it did tell me though was that he was only going to limit my options so why continue dating him? That's just an example but there are plenty of things people will let you now early on if you just listen.
If you continue getting involved with guys that won't commit, I'd ask yourself why you have a need to get involved with unavailable men and make some major changes in who you date. I'd also shed the belief that anything about you is going to change someone.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
Being a man, I haven't had experience of a commitment phobic boyfriend. But being a man, I can explain it. Commitment phobic men have at some point been hurt or deserted, and have never got over it. The problem is, they very rarely do get over it. If you're looking for him to change and commit, he just won't. You can wait forever for him to commit or to move in and such, and you will just be wasting time. If you're looking for commitment, maybe it's time to move on before you get hurt even more.
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