A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi to eveyone out there, I have been having an affair with a married man, this is not something I am proud off, we have split up now for a number of months, I feel totally rubbish at my lowest ever point in life, I got close to this man who I thought could just become a good male friend, the more we spoke the more interested he became in me,I try to keep fit and healthy so he said I was great looking with a nice figure, I guess I secretly was flattered but tried to keep things under control as I liked his friendship. He never spoke much about his wife or family all he would talk about was things that we had in common or that he had a hard life and things were a little tough for him.I guess I felt a little sorry for him and as time went bye I started to let myself become part of his world, I believed everything that he would tell me, I had no reason not to trust him he seemed caring, soft and gentle mannered, I worked beside him on and off and he always seemed quite private round about other collegues as though he had a lot on his mind, because we worked in different departments, we would only see each other at this stage a few times a week, one day I offered him a run home as a favour and I suppose so I could get to know him away from work a little better. He would open up to me and tell me about his home life and that his marriage had faded a long time ago but he felt responsible for his wife and family, they had been married for more than 20 years. He then started going out his way at lunch time or after work to bump into me, yes and felt flatered that this good looking soft spoken man was chasing me (tried to forget the married bit) I offered him more lifts home and also started having the odd lunch with him, still thinking I could be there as a female freind and a good listener to help him in life. Then one day he held my hand, at first I asked him what he thought he was doing, he said he was so really sorry but his feelings for me were so growing and that he got carried away, we went back to work and that was that. Again I saw him at work and he asked if we could meet for lunch so he could explain himself, well he did, he held my hand so tight and told me that I was the most special thing that had ever came into his life and he was madly in love with me, I was speechless but kind off new anyway and was totally flattered, he then kissed me and I allowed him to, I was hooked on being made to feel so special and he told me he needed me in his life. Well all my senses dissapeared, we would have sex at lunch time, on the way home in my car,we even took time off work to be together, I would do things to him to try and please him,I would go all the way with oral to make him feel special,as he would tell me that his wife never done things like this for him, I took so many risks and most of it in my car as we couldn't always get a lot of time together, probably didn't want his wife to get suspicious. I opened up to this man in everyway,he told me he loved me he couldn't go on with out me, I was the love that he never could have with his wife, the more he told me the more chances I would take, the more I would do for him to make him feel good as he had such a lonely crappy life at home. This went on for a 6 months, he would tell me that he had never met anyone like me, I was so sexy and great at everything I did he couldn't beleive he was with someone so special and that he wished he had met me years ago so he could have felt this good much earlier, I felt great here I was the most special woman in the world, he cared, loved me, he always told me so, what could go wrong it could only get better, one fact I kept on dismissing was he was married, but as I said he always said that it was more a marriage of obligation rather than love.I was a little worried that family and friends were noticing changes in me as I was keeping less and less in contact with them, always making up excuses not to be with them,I was spending all my spare time with my married man.One day he came to me and told me that his wife knew there was something going on as he had been acting funny and always working, he told her he was having an affair, and it was me. She came to our work place and waited on me and boy did she give it to me, she told me she knew everything, that I was a s--t and everything else in between,she told me that he was sleeping with the two of us and that I was never anything more than a mid-life crisis.She hit out at me and I had to take it, I felt totally ashamed and a whole lot more.He told me that he had not been with her in a long time,All just lies.He was not at work next day so I waited until he returned to work so I could confront him about his stories, he told me nothing, ignored me, made feel worthless and like he did not care anymore, how could he spend so much time telling me all the things he did and now he had nothing to say to me.He told me so many times that he loved me and we would work things out to be together, we were meant to be, then once he was caught he became so cold towards me.I beleived everything he told me,how could I not,he seemed so gentle, so caring, I have made attempt after attempt to try and find out what exactly this all meant to him but he has no answers to give me, he keeps away from me and the last time I waited for him he told me he was going to transfer at work unless I left him alone, making me feel like I was the one who did all the running. How could I have allowed myself to be taken in by such a fake, I am so hurt, I have never been so taken in before, I feel so ashamed, so used, so dirty, I cant believe I did so much for him, and he has ignored me like a one night stand, I feel like a common whore.This man had so much to say to me and about his crappy life now he won't even pass breath with me. I hate myself and I hate him for the way he has treated me, I was just there as an ego booster, I hate feeling like this, I wish I could die, I can't believe what I have done to another woman.How must she feel about me, I am disgusted with myself. I do not know how to cope, I wish he would die instead of me he has hurt me so badly, yet I suppose I let myself be used as his playtoy, how could I do such things to a liar and a cheat, I must have known that I was being used somewhere inside so why did I allow myself to get in so far. I think I am going mad, I would like revenge but I do not know where to turn, this is the worst thing I have ever done but I did not expect to be treated so badly in return.I am going to have to leave my job as I can not stand to be anywhere near him now, how can I be near this total liar and fake. Can any one please help me get over all these bad feelings and feeling like a used s--t, and so used by someone that I thought cared so much for me. Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): Hi Elizabeth, I hope you had a peacefull winter holiday and things are getting better for you.I wrote to you in the early days and would like to reply by saying your last message seems more hopefull, I wish you lots of love and happiness this year. How are things going on the hunt for a new job and have you had any more contact with The Adulterer, I hope he has learnt his lesson and had to pay for the way he treated you,I was worried about you in the begining so it is nice to come on to Cupid and see you are getting stronger.I said before it takes time but we always get over this kind of treatment and hurt and I knew you would, in time the way you were treated will not anger you as much, you will never forget his actions but will learn from this terrible experience, when you move on and find love with someone who returns it to you at least you can know that he will have to live with his wife looking at him knowing he is a liar and they all do tell the same lies it was not just you who was lied to so don't think you were the only gullable woman out there. A New year a new job and a fresh start for you,I wish you all the best and a happy year ahead. Jackie x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Hi to the last woman,I am sorry you are in the same place as me and YES you are right about them being losers, I thought it was worse but you are being pestered by this man,that may even be worse how terrrible for you. I don't think reading all the other letters that it is just married men there seems to be just as many single men out for all they can get at the expense of our feelings, once they have what they want and as you say sucked us in(litteraly)they don't seem to care how we feel or how they act,it has taught me if I ever do end up in a relationship again and find a decent honest man then I will respect him and never do anything to hurt him,hard way to learn a lesson about REAL life. It's true what they say finding a good man is really like finding a needle in a haystack, so my lesson is hold on girls if you have a good one they are few and far between, this site seems to help so many and really opens your eyes up to the amount of horrible and dishonest people out in the real world,Elizabeth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): To Elizabeth, Mae and all the other ladies on this post, thank you so very much for coming and sharing your story with us. Many ladies out there are reading this, and getting strength and hope from your responses. Thank you all very much, wishing you a merry and happy Christmas, no matter what you are doing, and a great new year for 2009.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hi,Thankyou for your kind message and I know that you are right,I am getting over it 1 day at a time, as I said before all your help and home truths have help me see things more clearly,HE was never worth it in anyway, it was the pain and outcome that was so difficult to deal with,Thanks to all the people on this site and in particular Mae who has been through so much herself for coming to my rescue,I will get that new job whatever it may be and that will mean I never have to come into contact with him again,maybe it wouldn't have been his wife giving me a hard time, I think the way I felt I would have given him the hard time, so maybe it's better that way. I still feel that I was used for sex but that I have to live with, you all keep telling me that will fade and I am sure it will,I will never allow myself to be tricked or used again and if I am lucky enough to meet someone nice in the future this experiance has taught me, that I will treat that person with respect and I would never be unfaithfull to anyone in my life, it has been without a doubt the worst thing that I have ever done or had done to me, but as you all say mistakes that I will never repeat or get involved with someones husband or partner again.To Mae I am so glad that you have been able to rebuild your marriage, I have read all your posts and you have helped me through my dark period,I hope you have a good Xmas and you have been so lucky that you have that Knight as you call him in your posts to share things with, I hope you enjoy your new classes, you have a great pain free New Year and enjoy the warmth you share, I hope my Knight comes along and I too will never hurt mine,Thanks to all the other woman and men who I do not know your names for everything and may you have a peacefull and prosperious Festive holiday. Elizabeth
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Well at least now you are making a new life for yourself, I think you are doing the right thing looking for a new job in the New Year, a new job and a welcome break for you away from this man, I do not blame you for getting angry as you end your last message saying about presents, we can tell you are stronger but still carry a lot of anger towards him, he was not worth your efforts and your feelings, some of us have been hurt in similair ways by men and you will get over it, when you do you will wonder why you ever got involved in the first place, the feeling of anger and disapointment in your treatment will fade into the distant past,and you will accept he was never right one for YOU and his poor wife will have to put up with his lies NOT YOU, probably a lucky escape, thats what you have to look at, YES a lucky escape for you. Then you will meet someone who loves you for all the right reasons and will want to share every little moment with you and will treat you as a woman should be treated then you will begin to trust another man and yourself all over again, I hope you have a peacefull Xmas and when it is over so will any thoughts off this horrible person be gone forever too, just remember that mistakes are made and we learn never to make the same mistakes again, that way we can all have a more fruitfull life in the future. Merry Xmas to all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Hi again, Thankyou for your message, yes I have made mistakes, and it is good that my story is helping others see what can happen when you give up yourself to a man that was only out for himself, I have not seen him or his wife and have still signed off with stress as to avoid any contact,I am appplying for other jobs that way I can make sure he can never hurt me again, I am taking time to recover, but this site is helping me relise there are a lot off selfish people out there,I wish I had some of the support that others have and if only I had found real love then none of this would exist,to everyone who has helped me have a Merry Christmas and to him I hope he gets no presents this year he deserves nothing. Elizabeth
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): you did what you did. you can go over it as many times as you want but you cannot change anything. you were weak and he caught you at the right time. what youve done, what he did, what you said, what he said forget it. its over. you need to take a deep breath once & for all bury this chapter of your life. Dont beat yourself up about it now, gather yourself, realise it was a mistake that you will never repeat again. You are stronger, wiser now and have more even more respect for yourself after this and from here on in you will not get yourself in a situation that from the onset is wrong. Dont do it to yourself. As far as he is concerned , hes a weak man. He has nothing to offer you. i know you want answers but for what? you have shown remorse, regret so why beat yourself up more. This is a new you now...past is the past. you need to start thinking you are worth something now and you are. PPl make mistakes and the best are those that learn from them and never repeat them again. Its over now...put your hurt and everything away. your post has helped me, i have been propositioned by a married man and im tempted. But at the end of the day i realise from your post that it isnt worth it. Youve ghelped me and you will now help others with your own personal story but first you need to let it go
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): To Elizabeth, I am glad you have seen the other side of the story and now relise that all the people involved in an affair get hurt,I am glad that it has given you and other woman a few home truths because that is how life is after these affairs come to the surface. I am glad that you will never get involved with someone else's partner,life has been so bad for all of us it would be nice to think that as the 18 year old girl says puts things into perspective,I know that yours was not the only man to say anythinng to get what he wanted for himself and I suppose reading these things has put things into perspective for me, and my husband probably would have said anything to get a little bit more,I like others have had to come to terms with my husband and another woman being together and her doing things to him, it is hard to clear my mind of that, but I have had to do that and also make sure I am the only woman in my husbands life and that he never strays again, it is been hard to do things with him knowing that another woman has had him in the same way, but for the sake off my marriage and also enjoying see'ing him happy to be with me again. I have had to blank out these thoughts,I am sure in time you will also forget the pain you have suffered and caused at the hands if this other man and you will never want to break up someone else's marriage no matter how terrible they make their life out to be. WE all feel the same pain and I'm sure what you say you really mean, so I wish some comfort for the future and hope you get better and forget about your horrible treatment and can go on to meet a nice available single man once you have recovered and that he treats you with respect because he is only yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Hi, to every one again, I have read the last post and feel really bad to the woman who explained her side of an affair and as Mae says it has hit home a few home truths, I am really sorry when I read your story because you are right, I always knew he was married to some other woman and no matter what lies he told me about his marriage, I should have listen to him as a friend and told him to back and talk to his wife and sort it out, I should never have allowed myself to become so close to him as you say he was not mine and never was,I should never allowed myself to have any kind of sex with him that was not my place. I do have myself blame and should never have hurt another woman as I did, I agree with everything you say apart from the fact that he led me along with all the feelings and things he said to me,I am sure that in his wife's eyes I am just some loose woman out to steal her man, but he was out to get what he could, and just told me a load of lies she will never know the things he said and the way he acted because he will lie to her about all of that.It should never have mattered how lonely he was meant to be and I should never have bothered about his crappy life and now I have the crappy life for real, what an Idiot I was,still don't know what to do about work as still have to much anger and hurt to face him so will stay sign off again.To the wife who was cheated on I feel really bad for you and would never allow another man to deceive me again I will never cheat with a man again,and I hope your husband will never cheat again.I am sorry woman like me have left you feeling the same way.Elizabeth.
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A
female
reader, Mae5 +, writes (13 December 2008):
 Hi Elizabeth, Your last post laid out a lot of home truths. She is absolutely right of course and I really do feel for her. The problem with all these situations is that when emotions get involved sometimes all the good sense we were born with goes out the window. I certainly never thought I was capable of doing what I did and neither did my husband. I'm sure you never thought you would get involved with a married man neither. But all cases are different and she said her husbands affair "laid it on the line for him" and maybe thats how it was, but you, like me were pursued, and yes maybe we should have kept away from a married man, but should they have been pursuing and telling all sorts of lies to get what they want. I know it does not make it right but sometimes when you are feeling vulnerable and you meet someone who tells you they too are lonely and unhappy, then friendship builds up and then feelings build up it can make us do things we never thought we would do. The fact is there is no rights in this situation, we were wrong, the men who pursuid and lied to us were wrong, its really just one big mistake. I wish your last post well, I have been able to rebuild my marraige, and I would never do anything to hurt my husband again and he now even trusts me again. I hope she can re-build her life too, if thats what she wants.As for us we have to try and get on with our lives and probably just have to accept that we will never really get the answers that we would like for complete closure. Take Care Maex
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): To Elizabeth, I do feel for you as a woman, but as a wife who has been cheated on and had much worse to live with I can't understand why woman like yourself get involved with our husbands and being hurt when they won't run away with you when you tell them that you love them and just because you sleep with them gives you no more rights to them either,I have heard it from my husband point of view and had all the pain and doubts of a woman who has been cheated on. You talk about how badly you were treated but how badly were you treating his wife and him by going along and having sex with him, you talk about the answers you haven't had, I have had to do all the soul searching as I was the one who was wronged, after it all came out I asked my husband all the questions and of course wanted all the answers,my husband told me that the woman he had an afair with was a nice woman going through a bit of a rough patch in life and her marriage, he did have things in common and did like her as a freind, they talked more and more and she would open up to him bit by bit, he knew that she really liked him as she would do little things to let him know, he as a man was flatered (they don't need much encouragement) he couldn't believe his luck and couldn't help himself getting carried away, there was this attractive woman laying it on the line for him, he told me as I badgered him for details that she did the things and acts to him that you did, this was horrible to hear as I had also been happy to do the same things for him, I loved him I would do anything for my man,as you woman do thinking they are now your men,I asked him why he had allowed this to happen to us, and what he said to her and her to him, he admitted to me that he told her he loved her just keep her happy, and all the other words of love he told me, it broke my heart, he told me that he had got carried away and because she always wanted to see him and when they did see each other she was always willing for sex he just could not stop it after it had all started, he didn't want to hurt me but he did not know how to drop this other woman as she would be hurt and he was scared she would get angry and come and tell me everything he didn't want to get caught so he carried on, he told me he did like her before as a freind but felt trapped in the affair and did not really want to be with her he was thinking with other parts of his body not his brain,she like you tried to keep in touch with him but he would not contact her as it was all over for him and he did not feel anything for her and infact said he never really new what he seen in her,she brought so much misery into his life after all and mine, he admitted he put arms and legs on everything as he struggle to justify what he was doing and yes as other woman say he would say anything when it came down to getting his rocks off, he deeply regreted it all and still does he never wanted to see or contact this woman he wanted us and his marrige again and said never again, he had choices and made them for him and for me,is that wrong he made a big mistake he ruined me as a wife and said that he would never get involved with anyone else again in life, all the feelings you talk about in your post are the same feelings I went through yet I was the one who was cheated on, so why do you expect so much understanding and answers when you knew you were taking another woman's husband behind her back, get over it and let him get on with his wife and repairing the damage he has caused,I am a woman and if like you say about revenge and hitting people maybe as a woman wronged it should be us that do that to you and the other woman who cheat with our men and want them all to theirselves. If you were stupid enough to have feelings that is your fault not our husbands, if you were giving them what they wanted of course they will keep asking for more, you say you knew he was married why didn't you just leave him alone, you were lonely or flattered so you thought you would go for somebody nice and caring,that is why I am married to him he was the same to me he just didn't tell you that.I has also taken me a long time to get over it, the same heartbreak, trying new hobbies and going back to work as I to couldn't face anybody, I felt ashamed, I felt I wasn't good enough, so why do you wan't all the sympathy when you did so much damage to his life, you have to leave him alone and accept he doesn't want you anymore. So many spitefull woman wanting revenge on married men so many woman trying to get over affairs with married men and trying to off load their guilt and lay the blame elsewhere, why don't all of you look at the facts you cheated with our men, on us and we to have to get over that fact, stop and look at yourself before you try and keep contact with our men, mine hated that he could not get on with his marraige again,some other woman who are replying to you go on about there pain what about the pain you caused,Mae says about all her pain going round her head and also wanting to contact the other man but her hands are tied because of her husband, you really need to think about what you are doing, no wonder you are upsetting him, I would be upset if my husband wanted to do any of the things you talk about in your replies, you all want closure in your posts but you can do that yourself not harass our husbands for it, you all seem to want to keep hurting yourselves, the men you had affairs with and those of you who are married to your husbands. Why is that is it not a flaw in your personality the same flaw that made you do things to our men. I am not defending my husband he has had to make it all work again for us, he cheated and was stupid and weak, I have hated him for it and he has hated himself to,but what I am saying is I as a woman who was cheated on,I have the same feelings as you only you knew before hand, mines came as a shock, you are all in the wrong but want now the same gentle caring feelings after your affair was over, mines was not an affair I was married to the same man that she slept with.He was acting the same way he was when he was chatting me up years ago,I just made him feel comfortable which is how a marraige should be through time, you trust and that is how it is meant to be in marriage, an affair is dirty and will always be dirty so how can you have trust. You were in this with your eyes wide open now you feel you have lost everything, you never had anything real to start with and neither did any of the other woman who have replied in your defence. I think you should get on with your life and as I said as a woman I feel the same pain, you just need to get on with your life and leave other womans husband alone.
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A
female
reader, Mae5 +, writes (12 December 2008):
Hi Elizabeth, Your pain will lessen with time, and your strength will come back. As I said before you will be more wary of men in the future but it still does not mean you wont find someone you can trust again. I agree with you that it is terrible to be the one cheated on, that is why I will never do anything to hurt my husband again. It is difficult trying to build a marraige and regain trust whilst having all the pain from the other man going around in my head. I think you that fact that his wife found out and you know he has had to face the music will help you in the long run. I feel part of my problem is that apart from writing the letters to him I have not had any real closure. It makes me angry to think of him getting off scott free but then I cant bring myself to hurt his wife either so it just leads to more pain. I have told my husband I wish I could get a hold of him and just tell him exactly what I think of him, but he gets upset and says he does not like the thought of me talking to him even if it is to give him a peice of my mind, so in every way I feel my hands are tied, I even thought about sending him an e-mail but my husband does not want that either. Most of the time I am able to accept the situation but when the night out thing came up it just brought things to the surface. You are probably right to give your nights out a miss if you feel it would be too much of a struggle to face everyone. Its so annoying how they manage to go around like nothing has happened whilst we miss out. When your strength returns you will be able to make up for it im sure. I think it will do you good to tell his wife about him, although im sure deep down she will already know, it depends if there was any truth at all in what he said. If he does have a crappy life with her and you tell her he said that then she might realize some things about their life she had not faced. On the other hand if she believed there life was good and he just said that to you then she will be very hurt by it. That is what stopped me, mine said he had a rubbish life, they only live two streets away from me and I see her all the time walking there dog, she looks happy and relaxed. You should maybe make a bit of a plan for yourself, take time to think about it. After christmas or whenever you think you might be ready. Just plan out what you want to do about work (return or not return), getting back to the things you enjoy. Maybe you could even take up something new in the New Year that will take your mind of it, help you meet new people and help your recovery. I know you probably dont feel like this yet but just a thought for the future. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.Take Care Maexx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Hi Mae, Thankyou for your nice reply and I am sorry to hear your story about being upset and hurt by your Xmas night out, that would get to me too, although I will not be at any nights out this year as I could not be with my freinds pretending I was ok and as I am off work I do not have to see work mates. It is hard when you know that these men lie to us just to have an affair but as other girls say men will say anything, they are always sincere at the time or so they pretend to be to get there own way,you say we just have to accept it, you are different from the others who not do accept it and would just do what they had to do to get their own back, reading stories makes me feel the same, at least the one I was see'ing has had his wife to answer too, yours has been able to go to your nights out and pretend that you were never part of classes.You have been on this site for a long time reading your posts and still you got upset on Tuesday because of this man still treating you like you never existed, so how long will it take me to get over it all. It is a shame your husband won't let you go back to your classes but I can understand how hurt he must be, if we feel so hurt it must be worse to be the person being cheated on, that is why his wife let of steam at me and probably will do again at the first chance she has. I can't stand the thought of see'ing him again so it must be hard for you too, but you wan't to go back to your classes,am I just more hurt, as I said I feel so bad at how he treated me and with all the other messages of support I will tell his wife all the things he told me, it will let her know it was not me try'ing to just steal her husband and it was as much his fault.I hope I am the same as you and in a few months this will be distant memory and that I am never treated like this again,I constantly tell myself that I was to blame, I was single and did know he was married, but did believe he had a crappy life and could make him feel good about life again, what did he do to mine he ruined it, I am still hurt and everytime I reply and think about it I can't get over the hate I feel for him.The Aunt's on site are great I wish I could have some of their strength to deal with this like they have and tell it like it is to men who lie,Thanks to Mae and the Cupid girls for your replies. Elizabeth. ps I will reply as it helps
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A
female
reader, Mae5 +, writes (11 December 2008):
Hi Elizabeth, I am glad you are finding the posts helpfull. It is helpfull to know you have aleady helped another woman as well. I understand you not wanting to confide in people it is a very difficult thing to do. I have a friend I have had since childhood so it was easier for me although she was very shocked, I only told her after it had all come out. She has been a great help to me though. I have also found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that he seemed so sincere at the time, sometimes I still ask myself did he really mean it, he could not have possible lied like that, but unfortunately I have had to accept he probably did lie. Even though I have not gone to his wife or wrecked his career he has not even had the consideration to answer my two letters when I asked him for honest answers, he has just ignored me. So I have to accept that as his answers.
I think you should do whatever it takes to make you feel better, if that means talking to his wife and telling her the truth then go for it. He should be made to face the lies he has told and take the blame for his part in it all.
I was upset on Tuesday as I found out my class was having there christmas night out. I did not even get an invite even though I met one of the ladies a while ago and she said she would be in touch. I know its a silly thing because I would not have gone anyway but I cant help feeling he has said something to put them off asking me as I have been to every other night out. It annoyed me so much to think of him sitting there with all my friends and I am totally excluded and he would be sitting there acting like I never existed and then going home to his wife to tell her about his great night out. My anger has returned this week because of that. I think we have to just learn to accept our emotions and the fact they will change from day to day. I just allow myself to feel the emotion but then I have to try and pick myself up. I think that in another few months all of this will be a terrible memory. I am determinded to get on with my life and not let him take everything away from me, he does not have the right. I agree with the other reply who said why should you give up your job because of him, unless you want a change anyway. When you get stronger you will be able to return to work and show him you are unaffected by him. It will also make him feel awkward and maybe feel worried that you may confide in someone at work, it would do him good to squirm a bit. I must admit if I was not married I would probably have gone back to my classes as I miss them and my friends so much, I think I have lost so much already I dont see why I should lose that as well and it would make him squirm but its a small price to pay compared to what I went through. But for the sake of my husband I cant go back, so its just something else I need to accept.
I hope it all goes well whatever you decide to do. You will be strong again, as I said before each week will be a bit better. The mist will clear and you will be able to see again, until then just be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to feel all the emotions that is the only way you can truly move forward.
Take Care...Mae x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Hi, this is so amazing so many people with so many outlooks on my post,to the 18 year old I am glad this has changed you perspective, do not have an affair with your boss he is married and probably will end up using you and treating you same as mine used me, you to could lose your job although mine is my own choice because I hate being any where near mine, do not end up like other woman who have replied to me, read Mae's story it is everybit as hurtfull and all the others too, it will save your life get out now before you go to far, after reading other stories married men are only after one thing, I can see that all over this site, I have been left with nothing do not let yourself end up the same way.I think I will stand up for myself and let his wife know the truth from my side as suggested it is only a matter of time,I do not want to tell my freinds as most of them are married and the next thing is they will think I would be after their man next, heard this at work about other people and do not want to be classed the same,I did fall for the wrong man but my feelings are changing,I was probably taken in and it ran away with me, I am getting to the stage that everytime I think about him and how I feel, I just hate him, I wish I could swing an oar at his face,I can not go back to work, I have signed off with stress, this and all the other womans oppinions are helping me I suppose it helps to think I am not the only foolish woman out there to be swept away by a lying cheating married man.I can not quite come to terms with how sincere he seemed at the time but now know this seems to be common for men to do this, as my freinds on this site say I am on my own and they have partners to face up to, but I feel so lonely on my own, at least for other woman like Mae you say in your story that your husband has been hurt but has stood by you, and you are still building your life with him for a fresh start in January,I wish you the best as you have been so lucky that he is their with you and are recovering, you have been really kind to me. The other woman I do understand and yes maybe in while I will be totally defiant,( I hope) it is hard to think about it too much when all I do is cry and feel so low,I just have to listen to you who have been through it and as you say take day by day and see how I feel tomorrow and the next day after that. I still don't think I will ever trust a man in my life again, how can you trust men when all you are doing is try'ing to build a freindship and a relationship next, I do know he was married I what I did to his wife was wrong, that is hard to cope with too, but if only she knew the lies he told me to get there she might not see me as such an evil s--t.Please keep letting me know your own stories and how your days progress as this is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment.I have not said my name as I am worried that someone might know who I am but I will put a name to myself now seems a little more personal. Hi to you all and Thanks. Elizabeth
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Hear hear, about time somebody said it like it is,the last lady, I read these stories and can't uderstand why any other woman would end up feeling so used and dirty by a cheating husband, have to cope with being treated like crap, then not rat them in, off course his wife should know what he has been getting up to, he will have told her one thing and made out it was all you, that is why he is still married.Any woman has the right to tell her side and probably the more truthfull side,if it was you who was married would you like to be lied to. He cheated with you he was the married one, you are looking for a new job,let him move jobs, he was in the wrong, dont take all his blame, get defiant and stand up for yourself, don't take the beating down by his wife tell her the truth next time she confronts you and blames you, tell her the truth she stays with a liar, he will be blaming you for everything and you are taking it, why should you go through this so he can do it again, treat other woman the same, stand up for yourselves ladies, I have and would again, Thank heaven a 18year old has read this and has saved herself from future misery, see you have helped someone else the misery of being with a cheat, you should be proud that your story has helped another, you will never allow this to happen again to you so at least some good will come from it, Take care sister
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Wow! Every woman who ends up being sucked in by some slimey lying low life dirt bag middle aged Oh...my wife doesn't understand me, she doesn't appreciate me, she doesn't do what you do for me, i love my wife, I love my kids...should rat his ass out asap preferably before they get deep into it. The wife may say bad things or not...she may say thank you for telling me. You might hear something like he has done this before...I knew he was up to something and you finally brought it out..thank you. I did it. And it is very rewarding...yet also hurtful to the wife...but it's bull crap that men NEVER get in trouble for their behavior...it is always the woman. I want to hear about the other woman who sticks up for herself and tells everyone what a piece of crap the man is. Especially the RICH man who thinks he can get whatever he wants like it's his privilege and his right to screw around with anyone anytime his little member feels like. Sorry, just a little venting from experience here. I'm workin on it...good luck to all and keep fighting those fake feelings of love that were put into you by a low life dirt scumb sucking not give a crap but get what they want jerk bags...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): wow.
i know that you are the one searching for advice here, but i find your writings to be very eye opening.
im 18 and i am also having an affair that has become very intimate with my 30 year old married boss. reading about your experience has helped me realize what kind of mess i may be getting myself into.
thank you for this perspective.
xoxo
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (9 December 2008):
Hi There,I totally understand your feelings at the moment. You must try and take heart though. I do believe you will get over this and find someone good, not all men are like these men we have met. You will be more wary in future of who you meet but you will meet nice people. Dont worry about how someone else will see you after this, as I said we all make mistakes and like me Im sure if you could have forseen any of this you would never have got involved in the first place. It does not make you a bad person because you fell in love with the wrong guy, it is part of life for so many people, but they do get over it and move on. I decided to give myself a recovery time, thats what I felt I needed. I always went to lots of classes, excersize etc. But I stopped going to everything, could not face anything at all. I gave myself a recovery period, I think you should do the same. Let yourself of the hook. As I said before try and do relaxing stuff, dont push yourself too much, but when your recovery period is over get back out there and live your life and show him that he is not the begining and end of everything. I think his wife will have said her peice to you, it will be him who is getting all the grief now, quite rightly so. I am giving myself until January but I have already decided on new classes and stuff for the New Year. I keep telling myself that next year will be a fresh start for me and my husband and we will put it all behind us. I am still hurt, but it is getting better with each week. I must admit I still feel like contacting him at times just to ask WHY? he knew how I felt about him and he used me anyway, but I have had to come to terms with these things and try and move on from it.
You have to try and look at the positives in your life. This was obviously not meant to be and that could mean there is someone honest and true just around the corner for you. Please try and keep your spirits up, spend time with friends or family. I spoke to a close friend and found it a great help, she did not judge me even though I was also cheating as well as all the other stuff, she was great.
Keep in touch, look after yourself and believe me it will get better. Read some of the other letters on this site and you will see people go through terrible things in life and manage to go on to have happy lives. One of the relies to my own letter said she had gone through a similar experience to us and yet she had gone on to build a happy life. I know being on your own is difficult in some ways but in others it will help you as you only need to take your own feelings into consideration. I had to try and hide a lot of my emotions from my husband as he had been hurt by me and did not want to know how heartbroken I was over my married man. You should try yoga, meditating, writing things down as well as speaking to a close friend, slowly but surely you will get through it all and start to feel better.
I wish you well, and remember keep in touch.
Maexx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hey...I know it hurts and when this happened to me, I pictured myself swinging an oar at his face...of course my fling did say he didn't love me and that I confused lust with love. He said most women do.
He was right about that...We're just wired that way-it's biological-we give ourselves heart and soul. BTW, I'm in my 40's too and always avoided "bad boy" types. It can happen to anyone-and these guys reach us through our ears. They ask our advice, they feign interest in our lives. We get prideful thinking, "I can handle this guy..." we women are easily flattered...that's why the serpent chose Eve to deceive...Would it help you to think "hey, he did love me at the time, but now it's over...and even the most beautiful women in the world have been lead on (Halle Berry, Jackie Onassis..etc...)"
Get your mojo back-you enticed a married guy. You can entice your husband, too. Who's to say he wasn't your play toy-it's all attitude.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hi Mae, Thankyou for the nice letter,I do not feel like a special person but Thanks for saying so, I am not at work as I said before to try and sort this out but the more time I have the worse it feels the more I think the worse I feel, Thankyou for saying I was too good for him,I wish I knew that then,I have read your story and it is as painfull as mine if not worse as you had your husband find out as well as being treated in the same way by an other man, I did not tell his wife he did,you are too kind not telling his wife as you say he got away scott free at least mine has been caught and I hope he has been facing the wrath every minute as I'm sure you will also have had from your husband. You at least still seem to be with your husband reading your post, I am on my own, thinking, crying and never wanting to trust another man again. I think I will always be on my own, what happens if I meet someone and they find out what kind of woman I am they will look at me differently, what chance do I stand, is any man worth the time and effort, will any man think I am worth the time and effort you talk about, so many replies to me talk about being low, dirty and like feeling like you are rotting in hell, if you all feel like this how do I stop thinking and feeling the same way, you are all so nice but all seem to feel the same pain that I do are any off you really over this and have good lives again? Does it ever really go away will I always worry his wife might come looking for me when he blames me for everything to try and get away scott free, please let me know if this ever really goes away, one reply even says that this has happened several times to her and has given up trying to understand,I cant understand any of it, and once is more than enough in any lifetime, I can't take it this time or figure it out. Thanks again for your concern in my pathetic life.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (8 December 2008):
Hi, please let us know how you are doing now? We are thinking of you. Please remember you are a special person and things will get better. As your other readers said at least he has the wrath of his wife to face so he is not getting away with things scott free. You have to just cosentrate on yourself now. In my case the married man's wife did not find out, I did go through a stage of wanting to tell her but I could not inflict the pain on her he had inflicted upon me so I did'nt do anything. He was not worth the time and energy you gave him, you were too good for him. You deserve better and you will find better. Please let us know how you are and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hi to everyone that has replied to me, thanks for your replies,I am relieved that I am not the only one to be treated like this and have taken the time to read some of your own stories which has helped me,I have taken time away from work and am looking for new employement elsewhere to get away from him as I can't stand to be on the same place as him,I still feel ashamed that I let myself go with a married man and for his wife as she is another woman left feeling badly by him. I do take heart from what you all say about him now having to go home to his wife and get hell, only a small part of how he has made me feel. I still can't stand the thought of myself and what I have done and find it hard to think of ever having an intimate relationship with any man in the future, but as others have said maybe in time I will begin to recover.Mae's story is a reminder that I am not alone with this and thaks for help and I feel for you too, as Irish says I now know he was a loser and yes he has made me feel 2nd best, he told me so many different things when we were together it just felt like I was more important and that we would end up being together, but as people seem to keep saying and I know myself now it is all lies to rope you in. As Teacake says I am ashamed although that doen't feel very good at the moment and it doesn't make me feel any better that he got any pleasure from me, what did he give me,as far as revenge goes I still hate him and myself.I will move from work becuase I can not trust myself not to re-act badly to him, I am not sure that by see'ing him that I will not always feel disgusted with myself and him. I hope you are all right about time repairing everything and yes you are all right he was married and I will never get close to anyone in a relationship again,you will always be there for the exitement, I am suprised at the replies from other woman in the same position and that has helped but has made me feel for them too, why do we do this, it is madness no wonder I feel like I am going mad, I don't even wan't to go to the shops anymore.I have no will to go anywhere, I hope you are all right and these feelings will pass.I just want this all to go away is that wrong, can I make it all go away. I never did so much wrong before,I would like to thank you for trying to help me with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): I feel sorry for you that you feel so bad about yourself and please not do anything stupid to yourself or too this adulterer he is not worth taking the rap for, please do not harm yourself in anyway, leave your job, take time off avoid this man and get him out of your life. No man is worth this kind of hurting for, it is terrible that you have made to feel so used and dirty by him, but as it seems to be very common and reading your other replies you must not think you are the only one who has been in this position. as other people say at least his wife knows and can now make his life hell as he has done to yours, so please take heart from this. You will get some strength from this eventually and as other people say, married men are just not worth it they always say one thing and crawl back to their wives when they have got what they wanted. A Please try not to take all the blame his wife must know that he is as much too blame and now she has said her piece maybe she will take it out on him,she will no longer be so keen to have him anywhere near her and as others say maybe it will be a long time before he gets any sort of sex again,maybe thats revenge enough for you to know this,we all hope so here. take as much time as you can away from anything that hurt you and please please take time to recover and heal. You will learn from this and as other Aunt's say you have learned a hard lesson Married men will say and do anything to get what they want for themselves,do not be so hard on yourself allow his wife to be hard on him, hopefully that will punish him for life. All our thoughts are with you, love and care to you. Jackie x
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (3 December 2008):
Hi, Can I just say I really feel for you. I was in a very similar situation. We have so many things in common in our situations it was very emotional for me to read your letter. I also met a married man who seemed kind, caring and gentle, he also was married for 25 years but said his marraige had died years ago and he was staying out of responability for his wife and she did not keep well but that he had a very difficult life with her. I also felt sorry for him and built up a friendship. He also started to appear wherever I seemed to be and we chatted at first then it built up into something more. I also gave him so much of myself taking all the risks. I am also married myself so it was all taking a toll on me as I have been married 25 years and never did anything like this before. He totally swept me off my feet telling me he loved me and that we were soul mates. But my husband found out and when the end came he ran a mile and had nothing to say to me. I wrote to him twice asking for answers but he gave me none. I even confronted him and he came out with a load of rubbish about being swept away with the moment (even though it took a year and a half for our relationship to become physical). I felt all the same things you are feeling now. I also had the guilt and shame for my husband and what I had done to my husband and marraige. I felt I would never get over the pain of it all. I also wanted to die, felt worthless, cheap, dirty and used. I could not believe I could have done such a thing. I met him through a creative learning class and I have had to give up these classes as well which has led me to lose friends and a creative skill I loved. The pain has been unbearable. That was 5 months ago now since it all came out. I have to say to you that things will get better. I know its an old saying but time really does heal. You must start by trying to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, I always thought I was a good judge of character and could not believe I fell for a total lie, but I have realised I am just human as you are and mistakes can be made. You must try and be kind to yourself. Try and do things that make you feel better and more relaxed. Spend time with close friends you can confide in or stay in touch on this site to get your feelings out. With the passing of time and a lot of emotional turmoil you will come out the other side a wiser and better person. They say god never gives us hurdles we cant climb and you will climb this one. I know you will spend a lot of time trying to work out if he meant anything he said, was it all a lie and a million other such questions. Take it from me you will drive yourself mad thinking of these things. It will all fall into place eventually, it may be painfull when you start to reach your final conclusions but they will come and with acceptance of the situation and your part in it you will find peace. Please dont be too hard on yourself, take time for yourself. I wish you well, feel free to e-mail me privately if you wish I would be glad to listen or help in anyway I could.Take Care of You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Gosh..I feel badly for you pain and suffering..really I do. Why? Because so many good woman getting roped into affairs with married guys, who are total losers and cads. You were one of them. This married man did a good job on you, didn't he. All along you were settling to be 2nd best, weren't you. And I think this is very painful to come to this realization. What is true about you, is you 'were' a woman who got involved with this married man because you were looking for attention and affection. And he complied. I will honestly state you were not looking for a married man to have an affair with but you always forgot one crucial thing whenever he gave you that attention---that he was married. That he had entered in to a holy bond of marriage to another woman whom he swore fidelity to. But here he was having a fling with you on the side...not an honorable, good man is he. What only occured first and what was more important at the time...is that he was paying attention to you. He was charming, loving, attentive and wonderful than a woman can imagine, any man can be. You finally surrendered to your feelings for this man. Many women do this and some will even ask the married man to leave his wife for her, but he'll come back and claim '"he can'tleave...he has children who will be hurt or the divorce will be costly...or as in your case, he craftily worked an 'excuse' into his manipulatory skills or repertoire before you even asked him to leave his wife . He said "his marriage had faded a long time ago but he felt responsible for his wife and family, after all he's been married 20 years" That should have been your BIG red flag to bail out NOW. He was telling you, he wasn't prepared to leave his family. This guy was smooth...thinking ahead, wasn't he. Something tells me, you may have not been his first extra marital affair, sweety. These words, he used, (the well played excuse) had an opposite effect on you...and that was the clincher that finally hooked you. In one sentence he said to you "he is committed to his wife and family" and and you bought into his 'honorable dedication to his family. By doing this very thing, this was your final act of being the 2nd best--this is where you just 'settl ed'. Why? Because you were blinded by mere words and affection. You learned a hard lesson and I hope many younger females read your posting. Females have to start being smart and savvy and quit allowing themselves to be 'chosen'. We live in a world where woman can do her own 'choosing' Remember that, girls! So I will say to you, as little comfort as this may be--try not to get stuck in looking for answers as to why you feel this way. You were manipulated by a good con man. Now you know, that the second you found out he was married, you should've headed the other direction. Ok ..you know that now. You are suffering pain and now, you need to work on healing and recovering. This is the long process. But....this process is necessary...it is the outstanding thing that will make you stronger and a more wiser, special woman, in the long run. Commit yourself to finding the courage to saying to yourself.."I am dumping these toxic feelings..I take responsilbility for my role in all this mess and now I must let it go" and after you say that, commit to a whole new attitude that makes the difference in how you enjoy your future and life. You take care of yourself and if you need to be angry over this...that's okay. But take that anger..and do something good with it. Anger is energy and you need to use it to find the strength to think to yourself..."I will never allow this to ever happen to me again". ANd promise yourself, you deserve to be number ONE, not 2nds, anymore. Truely my dear...my heart is with you...please take care and write back with you thoughts and feelings. This may be the best way to dealing with the pain --is talking, venting and just getting it off your chest. Best wishes in your healing process. xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): I'm going through something similar. My boyfriend was married, supposedly getting divorced, but still lived in the same house with his wife. The wife already had a boyfriend when we first started dating - I know this to be a fact because I met her and her boyfriend one night when we ran into them in a restaurant. He also introduced me to his kids, and several times we took them out. So it wasn't as clandestine as your relationship with yours, but nevertheless has ended poorly. He ended it and gave me no explanation at all. He now acts as though I was nothing to him, even though "he loved me, wanted to marry me" etc. I don't know if he stayed with his wife, met someone else, or just wasn't into me. My point is, that even though his wife knew about me, as far as I'm concerned I committed adultery with a married man. On bad days I feel low and dirty, and that I will rot in hell for it. If you believe in God, you know that he forgives, so you have to forgive yourself. You allowed yourself to be taken in by sweet words, which many men seem to be full of. We're all human and make mistakes, some of them grave errors in judgement. Regarding his current actions toward you, who knows why men shut down toward someone they seem to have been emotionally close to? I've had it happen several times, and have stopped trying to understand it. You just have to accept that you probably meant something to him at the time, but his marriage is more important to him than you are, which really should be the case. As far as revenge on him, it isn't worth it. Try not to be so hard on yourself, in the future just remember the lesson you learned and don't repeat it.
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reader, Teacake  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 It is to your credit that you feel ashamed. You have a conscious about this and that is good. You learned a very hard lesson and I imagine you will never befriend a married man again. Don't be so hard on yourself in this case. You know what you did is wrong and there is nothing you can do to go back in time to make things be different. Lesson learned, yes? Try to forgive yourself. Revenge is not necessary because his wife is going to keep this over his head for years and years to come and their sex life will now be as horrible as he claimed it was before he met you! LOL
He probably wasn't lying to you about your being special. You were safe in his knowing there was no obligations to have a relationship. Even though he lied about his marriage, which ALL men say to the other women, it seems rare these days that married men don't stray.
Most women I read at this website seem to think the man will leave the wife and how he did her wrong.
You have taken responsibility in this along with him and its natural and good to feel bad that you allowed a man to sweet talk you - its very hard to resist a man telling you such amazing things. I don't think he was lying! You obviously gave him a lot of pleasure, that he DIDN'T deserve!
Of course he won't talk to you, he got caught and that ruined it all for him. In this case I wouldnt try to ever speak to him again. Act as if you see him as the low-life that he is. Don't let him think you care about him or that he hurt you. Aloof is the best way to deal with this.
Once again, anger at yourself and him is normal. But you don't need to have any revenge as it will only make you feel worse that you allowed him to bring you down to that level.
His life is now hell forever! HAHAHAHA
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