A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:just found out my wife has done something with another man,she said they havent had sex but only done it the once,we been together 20years,dont think i can forgive her,she says shes sorry and wants us to start again, she said it was because she was drunk.the trust has all gone now i feel totally betraded and humiliated, any advice from anyone please.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Don't make the same mistake I made years ago; that is DO NOT forgive her and just try to move on. I am dead serious because, as many times as you try to believe her story IE I was drunk or some suc, it's never gonna be the same again so cut your losses and get the fuck out!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): It's me again 23rd June going through the same as you.The images are the worse, I found photos of my one shagging the other woman, so I know completely how your feeling. I completely agree with you about the other bloke knowing your wife was married, the other woman in my case knew my one was married, they deserve what ever they get. I understand you not wanting to hurt your son, and wanting to go away with him, but it will be so hard for you to act normal, are you sure you can cope with it. Thinking of you and wishing you luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can blame him sorry but thats how i feel.like i said before i got plans for him he doesnt live far away and knew we was married,i no im probably the only 1 thats suffering at the moment but i supose lifes just been crap to me,if i go with some1 else i no its wrong but i want her to feel the hurt im feeling now,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): you cannot only blame this other man, your wife is also equally to blame. she deliberately tried to hide her sexual encounter with him, if she did not leave her phone at home, you would be none the wiser. she tried to hide this from you and she was wrong. you are not doing yourself anu good by not eating and perhaps not sleeping. what will you get out of this, nothing so plse start taking care of yourself again. both your wife and this man have carried on with their lives, only you are suffering here.
plse do not try to get your own back by cheating/ fooling around. you are not like this and would only feel worse. the last poster is right.
i am worried that you may do something drastic to this other man, he is not worth it. why even bother with him.
your wife on the other hand needs to account for her actions, so if it means either putting her out or you moving out then so be it. since she has betrayed you, she needs to get going. plain and simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni wish i could get away but i cant,we are due to go on holiday in a week with friends.our son is going if i say im not going he will hate me.hes 17 so it could be the last time i go away with him,inside im crying all the time it hurts so much.an image of them 2 together keeps flashing in my head,whatever happens i will be a stronger person in the long run,and thankyou to all that gave me some advice there really is some good people out there,
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I posted a reply to you on 23rd saying I knew how you felt as the same thing had happened to me. I felt the same as you, go and do what they did, get my own back, DON'T you wont feel any better, and your most probably hate yourself after. And it wont change what shes done. I thought long and hard about it, and decided I wasn't going to stoop that low. At the moment you are in shock, and your feeling betrayed, hurt, angry, humiliated and so much more. Give yourself time to calm down and then think about what YOU want. If you can get away from her for a while it may help you clear your head and make it easier to think. I so wish you all the best please let us all know how you are and how you get on x
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 June 2009):
 Ok honey, two wrongs don't make a right. They just make another wrong.
IT IS ok if you can not forgive. Forgiveness isn't for everyone. And certainly not everyone deserve it.
Obviously she has something "on" you that she after 19 years haven't forgiven either. Maybe, just maybe it is time to end the marriage.
You both, yes even your cheating wife, deserve some happiness. And maybe that isn't with one another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni found out from her mobile,she left it at home by mistake he sent a txt so i replyied pretending to be her,i got plans for him thats another story though.i havent eaten now for 6 days the pain is killing me,if i took her back id always be wondering what she was doing,when we have a argument she always brings up something a friend said 19yr ago saying id been with someone else,its a load of rubish she can believe what she wants,so now im thinking i may as well go and go with someone else to get my own back.
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A
female
reader, ladydela +, writes (24 June 2009):
 ok think for a second: of all the other times has she been trustworthy? What if the places were switched would she forgive you? Has it been before she cheated did she seem lonely? maybe she was desperate or trying to find a escape to a problem and resorted to cheating, maybe she is insecure think about all these things then decide if your willing to forgive
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2009):
I think everything that you are feeling right now is not only normal but justifiable feelings.
She DID betray you, she did cheat.
You need to take the time to figure out exactly what you want. From her if you intend on trying to forgive her. For yourself in case you don't.
If the two of you (you mainly) decide that you want to try I strongly suggest some couples therapy. Mostly because I don't think having a drink or two too many is the REAL reason for her cheating. There is ALWAYS more to the story then she told you and you told us.
Ps it is ok to be pissed of and mad at her. How do you think she would feel if the roles were reversed? Same as you I bet.
If it will make it easier, maybe separation is a start. It all come down to what you think you want and what you think you are capable of accepting.
With all being said, I believe in second chances, specially if there is still love in the marriage.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (23 June 2009):
You didn't provide much information, but I'll throw in my two cents based on my experience.
She probably did more, you'll find that the truth will trickle in from a cheater. There is one constant that always holds true, cheaters are liars and they'll say anything to get out of their deception or make it appear that they really didn't do anything. I've heard them all, I was drunk, we only kissed a little, I've even heard "I thought it was you".
She probably did sleep with him and she hasn't come clean to you yet about it.
The largest thing is don't make any rash or anger based decisions. I know that's difficult to do, trust me I've been where you are and I know how you feel.
You may never be able to forgive her, it depends on you. But remember, now the decision is yours not hers. You choose if she stay's or goes.
Personally I've stayed with my cheater, and I've talked to a LOT of people who stayed and we're an unhappy lot that tend to feel more obligated than in love now. And the others who have chosen to kick out their cheating spouse mostly have moved on, some took longer than others, but in the end they all moved on happier than they were.
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A
male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (23 June 2009):
More info would help -- what did she do? with who? a buddy of your's? Stranger? How'd you find out? Did she tell you? Was she out with friends at a bar? business trip? plumber?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): how sure are you that she did not have full blown sex with this other man. if she could cheat on you with other "sexual acts" what stopped her from indulging in the entire act with him. it is only her word you have.
you are currently feeling hatred and pain and humiliation. that is understandable. but soon after the initial shock, you need to think clearly.
- how long has she known this man
- drunk or not, she must have been attracted to him before the alcohol took effect.
- is the alcohol an excuse. would she have done this anyway if no alcohol was consumed.
- is she looking for excitment outside your marriage. is your marriage a bit stale, no passion, excitement and fulfillment.
- what does she now want. forgiveness- she needs to be realistic. this betrayal is still too "raw". you have not given yourself time to comprehend her actions. you have not given yourself time to deal with her betrayal.
- you cannot go back to the way you were before she cheated. meaning , either you end it or make an attempt after mourning her betrayal, to forgive and work on the marriage.
- does she still have contact with this man. if she does then this is more warning bells.
- trust dead - how can she repair the state of this marriage. it will take you time, months or even years to trust her agin. there is a possibility that the trust is dead. for good. sometimes all it takes is just one time.
- she just has to deal with your anger and hatred for her. she cannot expect or give you deadlines. basically she should be at your mercy. plse take all the time you need to work through her betrayal. do not be pressurised to make a decision or give her feedback.
- is she likely to cheat again?
your feelings/emotions are all over the place right now. so please take things easy and make sense of what has happened. at this time she needs to know how you are feeling. the mere though of her indulging in sexual activities with another man is making you physically sick. she needs to realise how wrong she is, how wrong her actions were. in the end it is about you. in our circle of friends we normally ask, 'how much of this shit are you prepared to live with?" we all have our limits, and i think you have too. i also think your wife should know you well enough to realise how you are feeling. she totally disrespected you and your marriage and i think she may actually live to regret her actions. you need to come to terms with her cheating and then make a decision. if you still decide to give her another chance, then you both have to work on this marriage. it doesn't mean you are weak to accept her back, it just means that you made a decision and others have to accept this. your wife also needs to understand and accept that being married has definate boundaries. if you choose to end your marriage, then your wife has to accept decision. you then also need to make peace with this and move on. all concerned have to accept and respect your feelings and decision. once the decision is made, there is no going back.
i wish you well and peace during this trying times. please have strength during this time and plse make your decision wisely.
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A
female
reader, MonicaC +, writes (23 June 2009):
 It's not an easy situation, and I really do empathize with you. I've just gotten out of a relationship with a guy who cheated on me, and I was deeply in love with him. If I didn't care so much, it wouldn't hurt so badly. I really thought he loved me, and love means commitment and loyalty, which he betrayed. I'm not far enough away from it to be able to forgive him. To be honest, I don't think I ever will. So, I can't say that you should just forgive and forget. All I can tell you is that you should give yourself some time and space to heal before you make any decisions.Good luck. xoxo
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (23 June 2009):
 Firstly, although you did not elaborate on what she did, we are all assuming it was something sexual, as you say that even though they did not have sex, in your eyes it still qualifies as 'cheating'. I usually try not to blame anyone, but instead try to understand what motivates a person to take such a risk.
Is it possible that after 20 years of marriage, your wife was questioning her own sexuality? She knows you love her, but does she know you still have lust for her? If not, maybe she was wondering if other men still find her attractive? Having found out that the answer was yes, is it possible that she found herself in a difficult situation where the only solution was to 'do' something, feeling that she had aroused this man? I accept that she should not have put herself in the situation in the first place, but alcohol has an effect on all of us, doesn't it.
I guess the only way to find out the next step is to face up to the fact that your marriage has changed forever. Can you accept the change? Is there anything at all that you could have done to make her feel a little more wanted, or do you consider that the entire situation is her fault alone? Are you willing, in time, to forgive her actions, or will you hold onto this feeling of hurt and use it against her?
I'm also intrigued as to how you found out. If she told you, and was so guilty that it was eating her alive, I would forgive her. If someone else told you, I would consider your position.
I hope you can work things out.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 I feel so sorry for you right now, the pain must be unbearable and your heart must feel terribly broken, there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better right now but what we can do is somehow put this in perspective. You have been together for a very long time, not many people stay together for 20 years and you clearly love her otherwise you wouldn't be so devastated and in your heart you also know that she loves you one unfaithful experience hasn't changed that.
This may seem like a strange thing to say but someone like your wife who has strayed and choosen to stay with their partner often choose to stay with the better person because the experience has helped them understand who it is they really do want in their life, who it is they really do want to be with. If this were not true then she would not be with you now. So in a strange way and for some relationships a one off encounter like this can have an unexpected positive spin off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): So sorry to read that you've found out your wife of 20 years has cheated on you. I know how you feel, the same happended to me two years ago. I've been trying since then to forgive him and trust him again, even done the relate thing, but no I can't get that trust back. And as the saying goes "no trust no relationship" I'm now at the point where I hate the sight of him, and its not a nice feeling, I sincerely hope you don't get to that point.
I agree with what Samii says only stay with her if YOU want to. Believe me it wont be easy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and please let us know how you get on x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni really hate her at the moment the thought of her touching another man makes me feel sick,i dont no what to do,
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks sammi,at the moment i hate her,i really dont no what to do.she says it wasnt sex but the thought of her touching another man makes me feel sick.
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