A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for the past year. No it's not about sex (although there is intense chemistry between us) as we have only been intimate three times during that time, with the first time taking place nine months into the relationship. We truly and deeply love each other, and genuinely care for one another, and we feel extremely guilty about what we are doing to our spouses and children. Our reasons for not making our relationship official are - that we both have young children, and the truth is I still love my husband. My lover was recently caught by his wife, who as expected is devastated, I however have not been found out as of yet. Faced with having to end the affair, my lover still does not want to let me go, and neither do I, but it is easier for me to say so given that I have not faced the consequences of getting caught. I would be devastated and depressed without him and so would he, we truly are a perfect match. The plan was to get together officially when the children were older. But now that he has been caught it would be almost impossible to see each other. His wife was controlling and restrictive before he was caught, let alone from this point onwards. I don't know what to do? should I stay with him and be content with the very few, if any, that I might see him from now on and continue this relationship until our children are older, also there is the higher chance of getting caught by my husband, given his wife will be ever so watchful, I do believe he is my match in life, and I will be lost without him. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I would like to hear your advice/experiences.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Have u thought of what u will do WHEN your hb finds out? You may think u have covered your tracks but I think u know that it is only a matter of time before someone alerts him to this affair.
Your lovers wife, will she not contact your hb? Or does she not know that u are the other woman?
You never know what u really have until u lose it, so if by some chance u think u can continue your affair, in your minds eye watch your hb disappear, your kids disappear (see and feel Their hatred) and basically all that u hold dear slip from your life because you did not say no.
You are an adult so plse stop the pathetic 'my father was a cheater, so I am' nonsense. You chose to open your legs and betray your marriage. Your father did not force you. You simple made a choice. A choice now that has consequences!
If you really want to turn your life around then you need to be the first one to tell your hb about your affair. Rather the bad new comes from you than anyone else.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Thank you so much for your feedback, everything that has been written here is harsh, but true, and I needed to see it in print. Yes my lover does want to leave his wife and start a life with me but I have refused. I just want it to be known that I have never cheated in any of the relationships I have been in, and I have been in three long-term relationships. Always aware of the consequences of infidelity, I still pursued this relationship, and I hate myself for it, I thought
I was an intelligent woman. The most disturbing part of it all is that I was the victim of this myself as a child, my parents divorced as a result of my fathers cheating ways, I obviously inherited that ugliness from my father. As much as this will hurt me I will end this affair and will seek individual counseling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Caring Guy made some important points...read them and think really hard about what you are doing.
"I have not met a child who knows about a parent's affair that has forgiven them."
I can't say that is certain, but it sure mirrors what I've heard.
Children don't, even as adults, frequently understand the betrayals that occur, or the complexities underlying these things.
My wife and I are dealing with this, she had an affair (years ago) and is very much afraid the children will find out about it from some third party at some point, or put two and two together and conclude what was going on (as they are older now and they saw the affair partner coming to the house when I was away). She is terrified that our children won't like and respect her if this happens (she knows I won't tell them). Why?
Because she lived through it as a child, her mother and father both had affairs, and she has found it very hard to forgive them as it led to divorce and abandonment and alienation of affection in her own childhood. In her family, everyone had affairs, all her siblings have done it, divorce rate 100% for two generations...we are still married but I nearly left because of problems in the relationship that I couldn't explain and nothing I did seemed to help them improve (turned out my wife had an affair and was never able to get over it and the extreme guilt that followed kept her ability to be intimate damaged and it wasn't till she confessed that our relationship improved).
Keep this in mind as well. Your current relationship isn't what you could have BECAUSE YOU AREN'T PUTTING THE EFFORT INTO THAT RELATIONSHIP. It takes energy and commitment ot have an affair. Imagine if you put that into your marriage.
My wife does now, and we have the marriage we could have had all along, but many years were damaged, and someday the kids may find out and no matter how much explaining I do, or she does, they may just not like her ever again quite like they do now...because they will be thinking "how could she do that to my Dad".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): i agree with the last writers harsh but true opinion. i dont think you should still be with your husband. if you truly felt guilty,then why is it so easy for you to look him in the eyes and act like nothing is happening?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): It is a human right for your husband to know the woman who he married. He doesnt and is living with deciet. I am trying to have understanding but cannot see anything beyond a woman who is a lousy wife. I believe some cheat,some dont. You do and would do it again when the moment suits. Should my husband make that choice he's out. You made a choice and your husband deserves to be able to make his.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 November 2010):
I can tell you what will happen, more from a child's perspective than anything else.
My parents haven't cheated on each other as far as I know, though I know my father came very close. But then my father was never that good anyway. Just to know that my father was on the verge of cheating hurts incredibly deeply. I don't like the man now, though it's not just for that reason. I have a few friends who have had parents cheat. One girl found her mother in bed with another man. She's not spoken to her mother since, and simply refers to her as 'that cheating slut'. A friend of my brother found a video with his Dad in it with another woman. He tried suicide.
What I am saying is this. You can sit there and say that this other married guy is Mr Perfect. But he's not, because like you he is risking the happiness of his children.
Children can grasp the idea of divorce. They're not stupid. I know children who have had parents divorce, and because they had good time with both parents, and because they knew thy were loved, they turned out fine.
I have not met a child who knows about a parent's affair that has forgiven them. Children can forgive a divorce if parents ensure they are loved. Children DO NOT forgive affairs. You cheating on your husband, is the same as you cheating on your children because your husband and children share the same genes. You can't even imagine the damage it will cause you the relationship you have with your kids when they find out - and they will. You will not be anything other than someone who betrayed them and their father. And it will be you who is left with nothing.
You are playing with fire. You say you love your husband. So why are you not trying to make it work? There has to be something there. Also, how can you seriously ever trust another man who himself has been cheating? You can't.
You won't be lost without this married man. You'll be found, because it will put what you have in perspective.
You will be lost every time you try to speak to your kids and they turn you away, or every time you send them a birthday card and it comes back with a not saying "I have my father, that's al I need". You will feel bad if you have to turn up to the hospital because one of your kids has slit their wrists in anger at what you've done.
Children can grasp divorce. They can work through it. They don't really forgive knowing a parent has had an affair.
Either work on your marriage and set things right there, or divorce. Stop the affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Now is the perfect time for him to leave his wife for you but is he? Prepare yourself for the big let down when that day comes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): If he really truly wanted to be with you and you really truly wanted to be with him, you wouldn't put off being together or make "plans" about "when the children are older." You'd do it. But both of you are still getting something from your respective spouses, and that is enough for you to stay married.
You feel guilty about having an affair and what it will do to your spouse and children, yet you still want to pursue it. That's really very selfish, and I'm sorry if that sounds too harsh to you. You want everything - to be married in a happy family and to have a lover on the side, all for yourself. You want to stay together so your children can be happy, but honestly, every moment you pursue this affair, you are hurting your children. Imagine if once they were older, they realized how long your affair had been going on? Imagine if you waited until they were in their teen years to get a divorce. Do you think it's easier on an older child to deal with divorce than for a younger child? It's hard no matter when it happens.
If this man is honestly your match, then be with him. You can both divorce your current spouses and then get married, if that's truly what you both want. But if it hasn't happened yet, I doubt it will.
Plus, consider this: Do you want to be married to a man who has no problem having a clandestine affair? Do you think he (or you!) won't do it again once the novelty and excitement wears off?
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