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Chatting online to other women, is this cheating?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 17 July 2010)
A male , anonymous writes:

Im a married man. I was just wondering if its considered cheating on my wife when I chat online to women? I dont carry on a relationship with these women, or have made an attempt to meet them.

I DONT think im interested in that. I do chat about sex and all when I talk to these women, but thats it. I dont go on showing them pictures of me or let them see me on my web cam.

Its nothing more than just chatting. Is this wrong that im talking to women about sex, being that im a married man? I feel a little guilty about this. Please any advice or opinion will help.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (17 July 2010):

xanthic agony auntThink of it this way: would you want your wife to find out about it? I doubt it.

If you think your partner would be hurt and upset by it, it's obviously something you shouldn't be doing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006):

If your wife is totally unaware you are doing this all I have to say is, yes... you are 'emotionally' cheating on her. You are trolling the internet for female attention, you are using other to feel 'alive and desired'.Anytime you sit at your computer and spend time, talking sex with other women, you are making the ckearcut choice to depriving your wife from your attentiveness, love, your emotional energy and intimacy. You basically have found a way to feel wanted with other women. You sound very lonely. You also are escaping from the need to develop, enhance, grow and work on your marriage. You are being dishonest and you will erode the emotional bonds, you share with your wife. You are playing a game of tittilating game 'internet footsies' with what you think are women, who want you. They could be anyone- men, underage youth. Who are these people...really?. If you really value the people you profess to love, you would be near the computer seeking cheap thrills by having flirty, sexually-charged conversations with other women. You would not want to betray your loved one and make a fool of her. You state " you don't think you are interested in meeting these online people (I say people, because you seem not to know for certain, if they are female). I think you have considered it and it's just a matter of time. You are looking for a way to have an affair, What if you are talking 'sex' to some 11 year old kid and his/her parents find their message history. You'll be in hot water. Would've one of these women has an irate husband who finds out. Are you sure they are deleting the message histories at their end. Can't be too sure, huh? What a huge risk you are taking with your marriage, family and life. I do think if you follow this path, you are destined to feel even lonelier than you are now. I recommend you get rid of the internet. and you sit with your wife and discuss with her what is lost in your marriage and then begin the steps of renewing your committment to her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006):

Are you talking to them about sex, or are you having cyber sex? I believe if you are having cyber sex, this can be interpreted in two different ways.

A) you're seriously considering having sex with someone else

OR

B) you're just playing around, not serious at all

If you are doing B, and you feel guilty, that means you're just feeling guilty because you are unsure if what you are doing is right or wrong. However, if you picked A and you feel guilty, it means that you are indeed emotionally/mentally cheating on your wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006):

Does your wife know what you are doing? If you are hiding it and feel guilty and she doesnt know about it THEN ITS WRONG AND ITS CHEATING. You should be talking to your wife about sex not these other women. How would you feel if your wife was doing the same thing and you didnt know about it and found out. You would feel so betrayed and hurt, right? So stop doing what your are doing and pay attention to your wife before she finds out. Women are very smart and have a certain instinct that men dont have. I did and found so many sexual emails to women from my husband. That was five years ago and I still dont trust him. Once trust is broken it may take years before she trusts you again. Is it worth it? I doubt it.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (16 May 2006):

Yos agony aunt'Cheating' is just a label. If your wife found out and would be upset or your relationship damaged, then its not a good thing to do, 'cheating' or not.

If you want to continue doing it, perhaps you should consider letting your wife know? Strange suggestion perhaps, but put it this way: if she knows and doesn't mind then you have no reason to feel guilty, and if she knows and does mind then you shouldn't be doing it. By being open with her you show that you have nothing to hide and she has nothing to fear.

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A female reader, Hopeful +, writes (16 May 2006):

Hopeful agony auntThis is a tricky area. Some will say that you are cheating, others will say you are not.

It's like how some people say kissing is cheating, others don't.

I think that it is something that needs to be defined between yourself and your partner. Limits need to be established that both feel comfortable with.

I'm not here to judge but the fact you feel guilty indicates that you feel you have crossed that line and you know if your wife found out she would be upset with you.

I think that you need to take a good look at why you are doing this - what is wrong with your relationship, what are you getting out of these online sessions, where they are going to end up etc.

There is obviously something wrong in your relationship that is leading you to this and I would think about it and try and make it right with your wife rather than wasting time in online chat rooms talking about sex.

As I said, everyone will vary on this topic as to what is cheating but the fact you feel guilty means that you know you have crossed the line and I think its time to sort this out and try and make things better with your wife so you don't need to partake in this sort of activity.

Good luck

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