A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title*I am also in a sexless marriage. I have been married for almost 6 years. My husband has some very deep issues and hang-ups about sexual intimacy. Through these years he kept saying to me that he will go get help. He finally sees the writing on the wall, and knows that I will not live through another year, of a celibate marriage. The biggest problem is that we both love and care for each other very much, but at the same time I now feel like the "bad guy" for entertaining the idea of leaving him, if he doesn't work on fixing this problem. At the same time my needs are not getting met, and I am feeling pushed away and rejected by him. What really confuses the hell out of me is that he seems to not have a problem with oral sex, but he has a big problem with french-kissing. After being with him for a long time, and living w/o sex, I am still willing to stick it out with him and give him a chance to go get help. My question is this:am I being cold-blooded for even considering ending the marriage?? Or does it seem that I have been more than patient with him, and that it is time to move on???
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 April 2010):
Reply that you have stayed with him for 6 YEARS.
If he loved you, he would want to keep you, rather than just blackmail you into staying.
Tell him this is not going to count in his favour when it comes to you deciding whether to go or not.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Yes, he is trying to manipulate you. Tell him that you love a lot of people that you don't live with as man/wife. He DOES have an obligation to you to get help, as your husband, and if can't fulfill that obligation, then you are free to go, even if you do love him. You deserve the chance at having the kind of intimate relationship you want. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband feels really pissed off that after being together for 12 yrs, that I am finally giving him an ultimatem to go get help, for his porn addiction problems. He is trying to manipulate me by saying that if I loved him, then I would stay with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do agree that 6 yrs is more than enough time to be in a celibate marriage. Honestly ever since we got together (back in late 1998, I have been celibate ever since, at the expense of being with him. He has an extreme problem with porn addiction, which he cannot seem to transcend into having a normal sex life with me. I thought that he would change once we got married. I guess I was wrong. As crazy as it seems, I love him so much that it would really hurt me to have to leave him. Lately he has been giving me a song and dance about how he will start going to private therapy groups, plus start giving me the attention that I do deserve, along with cutting back on the porn. We will see what really transpires, if anything at all in the next month.
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A
female
reader, Polaroid93 +, writes (17 April 2010):
He knows the score you will have to see if he cares enough sort himself out. If your needs aren't been net maybe suggest getting with another man for sex? Atleast maybe that would shock him and get him into action!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 April 2010):
You waited for 6 YEARS for him to get help... the fact you've waited this long says to me you are anything but cold blooded.
Tell him that if he doesn't get help and have this sorted by say September (Or whenever) then you are leaving.
Show him you are serious by dividing up belongings, opening separate bank accounts and as the time comes nearer, look for somewhere to live.
If he doesn't get out and find a counsellor or see his GP then you will know you've tried all you can and can walk away with a clean conscience.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (17 April 2010):
I suggest he read The New Male Sexuality. It's really good and informative. I am reading it now. He should also hire a sex therapist.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 Sex and love are two very important issues in a relationship.It can make or break a relationship.
You have given him enough time to do something about it and that's it.
He does not value what you values and you have become incompatible partners.
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (17 April 2010):
You're not being cold-blooded. He clearly needs a real impetus to get help, and your prodding might be the only thing that will do it. Six years is more than patient, and its about time he made good on his promise to try and change. Its not as if you entered the marriage fully ready to accept his problems without any hope of him ever making an effort to improve. You deserve to see him make good on that! And its not fine to never get to have sex with one's own husband. Hope things change for you soon... good luck!
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